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January 09, 2015
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SATIRE BANISHED!

In the wake of increasingly provocative and dangerous jokes pervading the Internet, the Ministry of Mediocrity has banished all forms of satire. The official decree mandates that only one form of humor is officially allowed: videos of impossibly cute kittens.

“We can’t just have people out there writing seditious articles and drawing incendiary cartoons,” explained Calvin Butterball, Minister of Mediocrity “It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know, Jesus is wearing a bra, Buddha is making out with Mohammed, and the entire world implodes!”

The Ministry of Mediocrity is strongly enforcing its new policy. Anyone caught posting ideas of a ‘satirical nature’ that ‘makes fun’ of any person, corporation, government or religion will be punishable by a fiery (or sharky) death. The offending work will then be immediately replaced with impossibly cute kitten videos.

“Oh come on!” said an annoyed God. “I’ve been slandered, blasphemed and heckled for thousands of years. Folks holler my name every time they slam their toe in a door. I can handle it. Show me another cute kitten video and I’ll blow my brains out.”

But God’s thoughts were drowned out by throngs of angry, offended simpletons. One of His favorite cartoonists was set on fire and thrown into a shark tank for slandering the Tooth Fairy. And another was fed to wild pigs for his portrayal of Santa Claus as a drag queen.

In the face of mounting furor, the satirists went silent, one by one. The Onion, The Funny Times, Bad Lip Sync, the Anti News and The Daily Show all surrendered, handing in their brains, balls and teeth in exchange for comfortable, meaningless lives. “Kitten videos have no nutritional value whatsoever!” said a former cartoonist, now in joke-jail. “Humanity is suffering from some sort of irony deficiency.”

And so, the world has become a satire-free zone. Civilization basks in a vapid haze of delightful and harmlessly funny kitten videos. Next year, the Ministry of Mediocrity may allow puppies, and even baby pandas to be exhibited online, as long as they’re disgustingly cute. “We want a world that is safe, fluffy and inoffensive.” said the Minister of Mediocrity. “It’s not about freedom of expression. It’s about freedom from expression.”

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