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March 04, 2017
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Five Republicans worth boning, based on various factors.

First of all, let me say that I don’t presume to know your gender or sexuality, dear reader. So, number one, please interpret the term “boning” however you please. Number two, if you happen to be gay, and get one of these Republicans to have sex with you, as far as I’m concerned, you get bonus points. Now, without further ado, here are five Republicans you might want to consider boning:


Paul Ryan

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He’s probably the most decent-looking Republican you’re going to find. Of course, I’d never stoop to evaluating someone (or his or her political beliefs) based solely on looks. There are other reasons to consider doing it with Paul Ryan - namely, that you might get a free copy of Atlas Shrugged. Who doesn’t want to get laid and get a free book?!


John McCain

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This “moderate Republican” has been speaking out against many of Donald Trump’s statements and policies, plus McCain did “unendorse” Trump after Trump made remarks about groping women. Although he is partly to blame for giving Sarah Palin a wider audience, I actually admire the fact that he’s not afraid to break with the party line. So I say give him some lovin’.


Kelly Ayotte

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I really wanted to include at least one woman on this list, for the sake of equality and diversity and sexual preferences. Kelly Ayotte was ranked Number 1 in Newsmax Magazine’s “25 Influential Women of the GOP.” She’s “New Hampshire’s first female attorney general” and frankly, I think your choices of finding female Republicans are slim. It’s either Kelly Ayotte or some skeletal blonde lady. Besides, she apparently “delivered an impressive performance in the upper chamber” so maybe you can deliver an impressive performance in her upper chamber.


John Roberts

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Chief Justice John Roberts once signed a legal brief urging the court to overturn Roe v. Wade, and he’s supported abortion restrictions. If you’re a female of child-bearing age, you should have sex with him while you’re ovulating, get pregnant, and then see what he wants to do about the situation.


Donald Trump

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Just think about it for a minute. If you you’re not scared of a little pee, you might be able to coin some kind of neologism for a sexual act, like how Dan Savage came up with the word “santorum". You could probably also see if you can give him a special pet name. I’m thinking something along the lines of T-Rump, but be creative!

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