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September 02, 2016
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Being choosy with what brands you search for is like a makeover for your browsing experience.

If you’re anything like me, you’re not a criminal, and that means you don’t use ad block. Pirating movies is a crime, stealing your neighbor’s WiFi is a crime, and, yes, blocking ads is a crime.

So, since you have to see those ads in return for luxuries like free e-mail, free web searches, and free web browsing, you might as well be choosy with what information you give to the almighty Google so that it can tailor a more beautiful ad experience to your particular consumer profile.

See below for a list of gorgeous brands we suggest you search for to makeover the sidebar and banner ads of your life.


“Tentrr”

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I heard about this new startup called Tentrr, which merges AirBnB with camping. I searched for it once, and now I get a rustic splash to my pages.


“Starwood Preferred Guest American Express Card”

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Finances are important and not all credit cards are made equal. Did you know that there are fancy credit cards for which you have to pay an annual fee just for the privilege of having? It’s true. I recently Googled one such card to learn more about a luxury I’ll never have, and have since been treated to a truly luxurious ad experience. Why waste all that money traveling to an exotic hotel in a faraway land when you can bring the vacation to your browser?


“Will buying a Vitamix Blender make me healthier?”

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I’ve been thinking about eating healthier. You know, having smoothies filled with vegetables and fruits instead of those $1 hot dogs I keep eating for lunch. Now with a quick search for Vitamix Blenders, I can keep on thinking about how much happier my healthier self could be.


“Animals up for adoption”

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I sometimes daydream at work about having someone waiting for me when I get home to my lonely apartment, but unfortunately my landlord doesn’t allow pets. Ever since I started Googling “animals up for adoption” I’ve been treated to the particular sort of sad beauty of ASPCA ads. The tears they bring to my face help my days go by slower.


“Cheap food but healthy Vitamix too expensive”

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Did you know that McDonalds has healthy food? I’m not sure if this is true, but when I Googled “McDonalds food but healthy” I got the following banner ad for about the week following, so seems like it must be true, because ads are not allowed to lie.


“I am so lonely will I be this lonely forever”

The internet provides beauty in all sorts of ways. Sometimes you’ll be shown an ad that is directly responding to something you’ve searched for, but is not a verbatim translation that you would have expected. Thank you Google. Thank you.

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