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May 29, 2014

An inside look at the real jobs the Navy doesn't advertise about.

6 Shittiest Jobs You Really Did in the Navy (Stories of a Sailor)

We’ve all seen the Navy commercials, “Accelerate Your Life”, “A Global Force For Good”. You see all the Sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit, making you stop and really think about your life. Well, I was one of those bright eyed, naive fucks that got suckered into the hype. What they didn’t tell you were all the shitty jobs you would actually be doing instead of the jobs the “Navy” advertises. I have compiled a list from the least to the worst fucking jobs that I really did. Believe me, it gets pretty bad.

#6. Deck Seamen
“Join the Navy, See the World!” Was how those poor souls were lured into a contract without a guaranteed job and school. I present the Deck Seamen, where the young Sailors of the Navy go when they’re undecided much like our Community College friends. But there is a plus side, you get four squares, a shower everyday, and stuck working outside that illegals would kill for at your local Home Depot. Shittiest parts, you get treated like a slave that would make Dr. King march for your freedom. These guys were in charge of ship maintenance, which included learning how to deal with line a.k.a “rope”. If you love jerking off, then this was not the job for you. You’re better off buying your own pair of gloves because the Navy was too cheap to supply them. God forbid if you were the poor soul tasked with working the Paint Locker. Imagine being stuck in a metal sauna with toxic chemicals for hours of a day. Pouring and handing out paint, that was probably all lead based. Aren’t there warning labels about this sort of thing? Safety was a number one priority though; it’s why we had free medical coverage…right?

#5. Office Bitch
This isn’t as bad as it sounds right? You have that everywhere you go, no big deal right? Where’s my game show buzzer for when you get the wrong fucking answer. When you do not get all that pile of paper work done by the time your workday is over, your company has a legal obligation to pay you overtime. (As much as they don’t want too.) Well in the Navy they owned your ass. Overtime, just like a unicorn, is non-existent. Since the Navy is trying to be more like a corporation, you had to learn the Microsoft Office Suite. Not necessarily a bad thing, unless you’re old as fuck and don’t even know where the power button was. These were our supervisor’s people. Shittiest parts, if you had a supervisor with no fucking life, then you were stuck there until that mountain of paperwork was complete. Even, if you had duty the day before. Which consisted of being stuck at work for a full 24 hours. A lot of the time I made up Doctors appointments so I could escape that hellhole. If I was going to get fucked out of my civil rights, then I’d like to at least get a courtesy reach-around.

#4. Server
We all have our lovely servers for when we’re at our favorite restaurants. They are nice and tend to our every need. Well when you get to play server in the Navy, you are feeding about 300 to 400 personnel with food marked “Not For Human Consumption”. Serious, prisoners received better food than we did, ever heard of an MRE? Plus, the only tip you’re getting is that dick if you happen to knock some Cook’s precious meal over that didn’t take much effort to make. It was a vast improvement anyways, so fuck’em… You’re sent to the Kitchen like it’s the 1950’s and made to serve your work family that you openly hated. (Ladies you know what I’m talking about) The Shittiest part, you were the Cook’s bitch, I mean they owned your sorry ass like a pimp owns a whore, for the duration of time you were there. Except there were no benefits and you couldn’t call them “Daddy”. Personally, Auschwitz looked like Disney World compared to this, but at least at Auschwitz you’re put out of your misery.

#3. The Pot Locker
Like I previously stated before, we were sent to the kitchen to teach us something that’s not important enough to remember. Doing this job for almost six months made me thank sweet baby Jesus or Tom Cruise for the invention of the Dishwasher. Have you ever seen the pots and pans needed to cook for over 400 people? It’s fucking ridiculous, you have to stand in the hottest, smelliest room onboard and wash these fucking dishes by hand with some moldy looking sponges that somehow passed “Navy Regulations”. This always ended up being the last chore that needed to be completed before anyone could go home. Shittiest part, they always stuck the natural fuck up in there. Granted it was a lot of work and reserved for someone of that caliber of “fuck up-ness”, but god dammit, if you didn’t keep up with it, you’d be drowning in a sea of bacteria that would make Aids look like the common cold. Normally I wouldn’t complain about this, but this sure as hell was not what I signed up for… Why am I not flying jets or something right now? Well friend, because you listened to a recruiter that assured you that you would definitely be “Accelerating Your Life”.

#2. Sanitation Engineer
I cannot complain about our everyday Sanitation Engineers, or commonly known as, “Garbage men”. They do a hell of a job and I’m grateful for what they do. That being said, being a garbage man in the Navy is possibly the worst fucking job imaginable. You know how our Garbage men have their trucks, which separates them from the actual garbage? Well, all you have is a tiny metal room, with no air condition and about 400 peoples worth of garbage to sort through. Just like Herpes, it always comes back worse than before. Shittiest part, they give you designated overalls to work in, which no amount of Axe Body Spray would make you somewhat tolerable to be around. If you were a “Green” person, than hearing about how we disposed of the garbage would make you cringe. That’s right ladies and gentlemen we threw that shit overboard… Into the fucking sea so that Little Nemo and Flipper can get all kinds of tangled and end up washing ashore and ruining your perfect “Beach Day”.

#1. A Fucking Janitor
Alas, we are at the number one worst job in the Navy that was not advertised about, and for good reason. You are the lowest of the low, no matter what your job description was on your contract, you would always be a fucking Janitor. Not that kind, wise old Janitor you see in the movies, but a disgruntled, over worked, unappreciated Janitor. Though, much like neglectful parents, we really didn’t give a fuck. You were sweeping, mopping, shining, cleaning, and scrubbing anything and everything on that ship at least three times before it was deemed clean enough for you to go home and do it all over again the next day. I seriously had to mop dirt up numerous times because asking for a broom was like asking your poor parents for a new PlayStation 4 that Christmas. They blamed budget cuts, but thank God, we still had funds to make circles in the middle of the goddamn ocean for six fucking months. Shittiest part, you were cleaning bathrooms that 200 plus men used on the daily. People are slobs, doesn’t even cover the atrocities that you would find in a Navy bathroom. Yes I have had to clean human shit off the ground and throw up because grown ass adults still did not know how to use a restroom properly.

Do not get me wrong, I had a great time in the Navy and I saw a lot of cool shit. So, next time you see a service member, really take the time to thank them for his or her service. If you take anything away from this article, Never Again Volunteer Yourself.