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September 29, 2015
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After pressing coaches and players, analyzing video of the fight, and speculating wildly, I’ve came up with a list of what Papelbon and Harper could have been fighting over.

After a dugout brawl between Washington Nationals teammates Jonathan Papelbon and Bryce Harper, Papelbon has been suspended for 4 games. But the team seems reluctant to reveal what the players were actually fighting about. Manager Matt Williams merely said “this is a family issue.” But after pressing coaches and players, analyzing video of the fight, and speculating wildly, I’ve come up with a list of what Papelbon and Harper could have been fighting over.


1. Who the General Manager loves most

2. Best way to use a genie

3. If Nats are different than gnats

4. If it should be called Batball instead of Baseball

5. If Angels in the Outfield could really happen

6. Whether their home uniforms or away uniforms are prettier

7. Israel Palestine conflict

8. If you pronounce the g in gnat

9. Who’s taller

10. If everyone on the team was an animal, which one of them would be the lion?

11. If it’s spelled Tomato or Tomatoe

12. What’s on the inside of a baseball

13. If performance enhancing drugs are unethical

14. Whether or not the umpires live in the stadium

15. Who would get the top bunk if they ever stay in a hotel with bunk beds

16. Whether it’s better to chew tobacco or hold a bunch of bacon bits in your lip

17. If cleats count as fancy shoes or not

18. Whether or not cavemen used their clubs to play baseball

19. Whose baseball card will be worth more money

20. Who’s the funny one

21. Whether or not Rookie of the Year was based on a true story

22. Whether or not a gnat would be a good mascot

23. If the government has a right to put limitations on what a woman can do with her own body

24. How fun it would be if there was a real bull in the bullpen

25. If it’s fair to call it a no-hitter if someone hits a foul ball

26. If The Washington Nationals “W” logo is the same as the Walgreens “W” logo

27. If the President needs to buy tickets or can just walk in whenever he wants

28. How often the President comes to games

39. Who the President likes best

30. Whether or not “on-deck” should just be called “next”

31. Whose dad is stronger

32. If your plane crashes on a snowy mountain, should you stay with the plane or go search for help?

33. If the bat boy is Bat Boy from the tabloids

34. Who’s better at baseball

35. Whether or not D.C. is known for its gnats

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