Easter is almost here which means Lent is almost over! To celebrate, I asked some of my favorite celebrities, “What did you give up for Lent this year?” See below for their answers.
“Trying to convince people on the street that I’m Beyoncé.“
“This is gonna sound crazy, but I gave up talking. It’s amazing how much you learn when you stop gab-gab-gabbin’ around for a few weeks.“
“Tweeting while drunk (Instagramming, though? THAT’S a different story…)“
“What? I wasn’t expecting to be included on this list.“
“I gave up smoking. It’s been, uuuuhhh, tough, to say the least. Can’t wait to wake up Easter Sunday morning and light up a giant blunt. Oh yeah, I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore but I do smoke big fat blunts, and you would too.“
Batman and Superman
Batman: “Um, we actually didn’t give anything up we, uhhhh, help me out, Superman.“
Superman: “Sure, babe. We decided to be nice to ourselves. We chose to say ‘YES’ instead of ‘No’ or ‘Maybe next time.‘
Batman: “It’s a whole new Batman and Superman you’re looking at. And, well, I have him to thank.”
Superman: “Stop it. What do you say we stop gab-gab-gabbing’ around and stop some fights or crimes?“
Batman: “Good idea…”
Ed. Note: They did NOT go fight crime, they hardcore made out for 10 minutes.
“Work work work work work. I ran out of ideas for songs.“
“Flipping people the bird! Looking forward to getting back to flipping people off constantly come Sunday! What can I say? I’m a dirtball to my core.“
“I gave up nibbling on my fingernails. Not the fingernails that are connected to my fingers, the jar of fingernails I have on my dresser. Collected from the waste bins of bathrooms of homes I visit. I go into people’s home bathrooms saying I need to take a “big piss” but really I go collect the fingernail shavings they have in their bathroom wastebasket. I haven’t done that for all of Lent and it’s driving me crazy. Luckily, I’m going to my friend Keith’s house for Easter and he always has the biggest fingernail clippings because he’s huge and disgusting. So, yeah, it’s gonna be a good Easter.“
“AH HELL! LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS! I DON’T WANT TO TALK"
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
New York Mets Pitching Staff
“We all gave up masturbating.”
“I’m usually a bad boy but for Lent I’ve been a good boy. Like, I’m a good boy now even though I wanna be bad. I don’t know how else to explain it.“
“SERIOUSLY, STOP ASKING ME. I’M NOT RELIGIOUS OR THIS FAMOUS!“
The Surviving Beatles
Paul: “Nothing, mate.“
Ringo: “I gave up nothing too, mate. By the way, thanks for inviting me to this, Paul.”
Ed. Note: I sent a note to Ringo inviting him to a party and signed it “From, Paul (from the Beatles).” He thinks Paul invited him to a party but it was really just an interview to ask him what he gave up for Lent. I thought it was funny even though it was a little mean.
Ed. Note: Lewis Black refused to comment again, angrily.