Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 6-6-16, Part 1 of Two Night episode. Spoilers, obviously.
OK everyone, let’s stretch it out, we’ve got two nights of this chaos.
1. The Bachelor’s Have To Clean Up After Themselves
The house is a mess the morning after the rose ceremony. One of the dude’s is bummed that there’s cups and plates and Chad’s leftover meats everywhere. Are they telling us that the Bachelor’s have to clean up after the rose ceremony? Is there not a PA on this godforsaken reality nonsense that picks up after this herd of men?? You’re telling me that for twenty six (or whatever) seasons, the contestants have been doing chores and we haven’t seen any of it?! This is an alternate reality show where people not on dates are home scrubbing toilets like Cinderella? If you’re going to make this week into two episodes, I need to see Chad with a vacuum.
2. A Guy With A Beard Gets a Date
For the first date of the night, JoJo picks Chase. Chase is the one with the beard, quaffed hair and muscles. Oh sorry, that describes all of them. So one of the guys from the herd heads out with JoJo for a yoga date. It’s less yoga, more sweaty game of twister. Really, it’s all leading up to a couples position where they can sit in each other’s laps so their “third eyes” can line up. Also their genitals line up. JoJo and Chase’s third eyes get boners so they make out.
At dinner, Chase really opens up by telling her that marriage is important to him. Clearly. He’s on a game show to marry someone he’ll know for about a month, so, yeah, I think that’s honoring his commitment to marriage. JoJo takes his word for it and gives him a rose. Congrats Chase!
But wait, one more surprise - a private concert from moderately successful country pop recording artist, Charles Kelly!! Honestly, Charles Kelly looks like part of the dude herd with his beard and quaffed hair. He stepped off the stage and I thought he was going to walk over and ask to steal JoJo for a second. He might as well join them back at the mansion.
3. Chad Hates Being Called Dumb
When the group date card comes and lists a dozen dudes including Chad, Chad says he would rather not go on the date. The herd sticks up for themselves and their potential lady by telling Chad he’s rude and this is the game. Chad feels the burn so he picks on Evan, the guy with the least muscles, by telling him to stop talking. Then Football makes a joke about Chad not being able to spell and Chad gets VERY defensive, very fast. Sore spot Chad?? Been called a dumb-dumb before? Me thinks the dumb dumb doth protest too much.
4. Chad Hates Being Called Steroid Douche
Because JoJo thinks sex is important in a relationship, the group date takes place at a comedy show where the guys have to tell personal sex stories. Everyone is game to play, except for Chad who says, “Sex is something you keep to yourself.” Actually Chad, sex is best when you share it with another. That’s kind of the whole point of sex. But maybe when you love yourself as much as Chad does, he just wants to have sex with himself.
Dudes talk about being virgins, getting caught by their moms, there was a sad story from Grant about getting thrown on the ground by the cops, Wells had a threesome and then comes Evan’s big moment to shine a light on Chad. He doesn’t really have a story, he just accuses Chad of taking steroids. It seemed more awkward than aggressive, but it takes all of two seconds for Chad to go crazy. First he calls JoJo to the stage for his turn and just tries to kiss her. She gives him the cheek and the embarrassment sends Chad into a full ‘roid rage. He punches a door, grabs for Evan’s neck and says, “If I don’t lift weights, I’m going to murder someone.” I BELIEVE HIM!
5. Evan Gives JoJo an Ultimatum
The group date goes into the night and Chad is still boiling from Evan’s burn earlier. He accuses Evan of bullying him by following him around and talking about him. It does seem like Evan is following him and talking about him a lot. Chad is crazy but why is Evan diving into this confrontation so hard? Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum, telling her that he can’t stay in the house if Chad is here. She ultimately gives Evan the rose to show him that she cares and Chad’s brain shorts out. He asks her, “Is this a real scenario, right now? You’re vibing this dude?”
JoJo tells Chad that he’s disrespectful and she doesn’t like this side of him. Chad doesn’t get it and references the plot of Can’t Buy Me Love by saying that no girl on earth chooses Evan except to sweep their front yard. Uh, HELLO CHAD! Patrick Dempsey was in that movie. And he grows up to be a HUNK.
6. Security is Watching Chad Sleep
Chad’s roommate, Derek, is not comfortable sleeping next to Chad so they have a security guard watching him sleep and following him around. Chad doesn’t get it because lives in an upside down world where he is the underdog and the underdogs are the bullies. I believe that world is called Narcissism Planet. Also, Crazy Mother Fucker Land. Canadian vampire tries to give Chad a clue, but Chad can’t take his eyes off the raw sweet potato he’s munching on. Is that a snack? Raw sweet potato? No? Just for murderers? Ok. That’s what I thought.
7. Swing Dancing is Still a Thing
For the second one on one, it’s James Taylor! And they are going to an old timey swing dancing situation. They take a few lessons, dance in a big group and get a personalized newspaper to commemorate the day. James Taylor cries over feeling special. He’s the Taylor Swift of this season!
They post up in the back of a convertible and JoJo is looking for something to like about James Taylor. He tells her his sad story - that when he was a kid, he had a long neck and big ears. That’s it. That’s his story?? Ok James Taylor. How many songs can you write about having a long neck? He plays JoJo one and she loves it. Pulling a guitar out of the trunk at make out point is always smooth, no matter how long your neck is.
8. Evan is Lame
Ok Evan. I had sympathy for you, but now you’re going full tattle-tale by ratting to Chris Harrison. Suddenly this seems weasely and I’m thinking that maybe Chad is right. Evan is obsessed. Chad is the most entertaining guy on the show. How dare Evan try to get him kicked off just cause he’s scared he’s going to get punched in the face, EVAN! Just back off, stay in your room and let us all laugh at Chad. Is that too much to ask??
That’s it for tonight’s half. Two hours is half of a show in the world of ‘The Bachelorette’. We’ve got more tomorrow and the big question they’ve left us with is, “Will Chad murder everyone?” The answer is PROBABLY!!!