Whoo boy–this past week has been very confusing of us here at the NRA. There are a lot of bad guys with guns out there. As we all know, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. But sometimes what seems like a good guy with a gun can turn out to maybe not be a good guy with a gun.
Here’s a helpful guide on how to identify the ethics of gun owners immediately on sight.
GOOD GUY WITH A GUN
It’s easy to identify a good guy with a gun. He’s strong. His skin is nice. His hair is glossy. He’s the kind of guy you see on the golf course, working on his short game–chipping and putting away. These guys all swim fast and go to nice schools and are polite and always say the right things and take off their hats when they’re in the house. Oh and they’re police officers. Police officers are always good guys with guns. No matter what. Police are good and perfect people who never make mistakes.
BAD GUY WITH GUN
A bad guy with a gun is just that–a bad guy, carrying a gun. You can tell he’s a bad guy because he looks like a bad guy–there’s just something about him. Maybe he’s a radical Islamic terrorist, maybe he wears his pants low and baggy, maybe he’s making his way through the desert somewhere between Tijuana and San Diego late at night, maybe he’s breaking fast after a long day during Ramadan, or maybe it looks like he spent too much time at a tanning salon (wink wink). This guy is not a good guy with a gun (remember: a good guys with a gun is right and light). This guy is a bad, urban, thug, rap, hip-hop, muslim, scary guy.
COOL GUY WITH A GUN
Cool guys with guns aren’t quite good or bad–they’re just pretty freaking cool. Like John McClane–he was an off duty police officer running around with a gun looking cool as heck. Or Dirty Harry–I mean, yea, he was kinda bad…but he was pretty cool, too. And that’s the distinction you have to make. Is this guy being bad in the service of the cool? And is he white? If so then HELL YES he’s a cool guy with a gun.
GIRL WITH A GUN
No need to distinguish between good girls with guns and bad girls with guns–any girl who packs heat is more than good in our book. She’s sexy. And sexy is the best kind of good you can be. You know, as long as she’s blonde or a hot Sarah Palin-style brunette and looks like she could guest-host “The Five.”
GUY WITH GOOD GUN
This is a guy, could be whoever–a skater boi, a neat freak, a cowboy, a goth, a frat bro–the point is he has a good gun. A gun like a Sig Sauer or an AR-15. Or maybe that one gun that looks like a cell phone but then you can take it apart and put it back together to shoot people! Or a gun that’s a cool color–like gold or blue. Who cares whether this guy is good or bad? The important thing is that this guy owns a good gun. Oh and also he’s white.
Good guys with guns have to make split second decisions. That’s why it’s important when these moments happen we know exactly what we’re looking for: a nice man who might be a cop or maybe a woman who could be a cop but also might just be sexy or also is in the military who is on the right side of the law acting against a force we have subjectively decided is evil and we can retroactively claim to be part of a solution to a problem that we have created.
***BTW we’re still kind of figuring out where things stand when it comes to black cops and Will Smith movies. LOL…so sue us–sometimes this stuff can get really complicated!