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November 11, 2016
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I am so jazzed for this next chapter in American history that tonight I plan to make a human being inside the receptacle I’ve had by my side for over 30 years.


Mike Pence
(not pictured: his receptacle)

What a wild ride. We persevered through rough terrain and led a hard-fought campaign. I couldn’t be happier for President-elect Donald Trump, the American people, and I cannot wait to celebrate with the walking collection of tubes I call my wife.

Heck (please, Lord, excuse my language), I am so jazzed (sorry, Lord, for referencing the devil’s music) for this next chapter in American history that tonight I plan to make a human being inside the receptacle I’ve had by my side for over 30 years.

Now to just make sure I’m clear, I am NOT talking about forcing myself on her, for I’m not a monster; I am just a normal man who’s made it his life’s mission to deprive others of normal rights. I’m simply requesting my sack of flesh to do the following:

  • shower
  • reapply makeup
  • wait in bed while I get worked up about knowing that men can marry men
  • lay quietly while I begin sexual intercourse without birth control (a scourge of the earth that should not be available) and avoid eye contact with anyone but the reflection of myself in the mirror I have over the bedrest.
  • promise to not move while I pump precisely 26 times and make a human being despite any agenda she had for the rest of her life.

Pretty straightforward. We’re talking 4 minutes, tops, which is what I call “a strong campaign.“

God bless.
Mike Pence

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