Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 19, 2016

That bad girl Riri lays down the law and I'm having second thoughts about this whole premise!

Uh oh! Looks like Rihanna is back to her bad girl ways! After coming off four show-stopping performances at the MTV VMAs, RiRi turned heads again when she made her currently on-again beau and international hip-hop star Drake wait in the car while she ran into a Rite-Aid for a few things.

Quick side note: this seems like a funny angle for an article, yeah? Cool, I’ll get back into it.

Sources close to Rihanna said that The Barbadian Beauty told Drizzy to stay where he was because “he had been acting up all day.” Apparently ever since the Views rapper tried to plant an unexpected smooch on Rihanna when he presented her with the Michael Jackson Vanguard Award, her camp can’t be sure that he won’t try and turn a five minute trip for seltzer and Advil “into a whole thing.”

Hmm, not really sure where to go next. But there is something here, right? Oh! I just thought of another sentence I can write, check this out:

Earlier that day, the couple were spotted shopping at Barney’s where observers reported seeing Rihanna drag Drake out of the store after he wouldn’t stop speaking in an funny accent and referring to himself as “The Queen of Fancy Shoes.“

Was that funny?

OK. I gotta level with you. I’m kinda having second thoughts about this entire joke. I don’t think this is a good joke. Like, morally good.

I mean, I guess it’s kinda funny to think about Drake doing something embarrassing in a public setting. Drake’s supposed to be “Mr. Cool,” but if you’ve ever seen the way he soaks up the laughs when he does that little short-shorts skit on SNL, you know that he’s corny as hell. Like, if you brought him into a drug store, he’d totally try and free-style over the loudspeaker or ask the cashier if he could try on the condoms or something dumb like that.

So then what’s Rihanna doing in this joke then, right?

Did I think it’s funny that Drake is, like, kinda obsessed with Rihanna and Rihanna has always seemed like she’s kinda whatever about Drake? What’s so crazy about a wealthy, successful, and famous woman deflecting the advances of a wealthy, successful, and famous man. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Did I think it’s funny that Rihanna is telling Drake what to do? Sure, people love Rihanna because she’s a “boss bitch,” but is it really so incongruous to have a woman take dominant role in a relationship that it creates the opportunity for humor? And even if it is unusual, is it something to make fun of? Part of me thinks that the slow, but deliberate subversion of stereotypical gender norms won’t feel commonplace until we start treating it as such.

I like to think of myself as a pretty progressive guy and I don’t like what this article says about me.

I think I’ve still got a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, I have no other ideas and I already made all these GIFs and my editor says I have to include them:

I’m sorry.