Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with pubic hair follicle cancer–Stage I. Upon learning that death was an utmost certainty at 1/1000, I knew that I did not want to go through a pointless treatment, nor a grueling death. So, I decided to run for President, which as you know is a position that has a high assassination success rate.
Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy were all assassinated. Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were assassinated for their civil rights beliefs [Would it be “civil rights’ beliefs?”]. Oddly, the other two men were killed for far less important reasons. Garfield was assassinated for not naming his assassin as diplomat to France. William McKinley was assassinated for his globalization views.
I have still not had an attempt on my life. I’ve spoken outlandish and offensive statements almost everyday of my 161-day campaign that fit in all of those categories and more. I’ve paid off pollsters to place me at the top of the GOP to put my chance of being elected president as a real possibility in the minds of Americans. So, what gives?! There are 16,000-plus homicides every year and 2.1 million assaults every year. You’d think I would have at least been punched in the face by a Mexican, tackled by white man, poisoned by an Asian woman, stabbed by a black man, or shot one time by a black man by now.
— Donald J. Trump
I have been employing the same tactics as Gandhi and Martin Luther King to get assassinated, but it’s not working. Am I not as great as they are?
I’ve gone to more drastic measures lately. I tie a noose in the hotel rooms I stay in as well as lay out an ample supply of heroin, crack, and cocaine for someone to stage a fake-suicide for me. I leave my door wide-open every night and a note on the desk saying, “Sorry, Tom (Brady). I know that you and I have greatly struggled with our addictions, but I couldn’t take it anymore."Also, I’ve left bags of money in alleyways full of $1,000’s and a clean gun with a note saying, "In taking this money, you agree to assassinate Donald John Trump born in 1946 in New York City.” Apparently, there are 19 other Donald Trumps in the United States. So, I have to be very specific. Unfortunately, by the morning, the bag is always still there, but only containing the note.
It’s moments like these I wish I was a black or Latino boy living in the ghetto with a father who is a member of gang or a patient at a Doctor’s Without Borders site in Afghanistan. My white, male privilege sometimes can be a curse.
Thanks for reading. I had to get this off my chest. I’ve been holding it in for too long. Feel free to comment your ideas on what I could say or do next that could increase the chances of me being assassinated.
Donald J. Trump
P.S. The code for the pacemaker I had installed earlier this year is 4628834555760.