Full Credits

Stats & Data

19Funny
8Die
1,977
Views
May 02, 2017
Published
Description

Nobel Prize winning author Ernest Hemingway reviews Chapter Eleven: To Riverdale and Back Again

I sit on my couch drinking Capri watching the new episode of “Riverdale” on The CW. Our narrator reminds us of the murder of Jason Blossom. He introduces us to the American idea of “homecoming.” It sounds trite and reminds me why I left America in the first place. Our hero Archibald’s mother says Chicago is safer than Riverdale. I laugh to myself because that is false. Everything is safer than war.

Archibald asks the Latina Veronica to the triviality of an affair (the homecoming dance), and I’m reminded how much more interesting Archibald is when he’s slamming into other buff men on the football field for sport. A scene occurs where only women are talking. I leave to refill my glass.

Polly sees Mr. Blossom putting on a wig. He is fey and camp. I do not like him because of this. And also because he may have murdered his own son. Two women over 40 speak to each other. I leave to refill my glass.

The Andrews family discusses pizza toppings. I’ve only had pizza when in Italy during the war. They sacrifice nothing and combining pepperoni and red peppers makes no sense when pepperoni will overwhelm the red pepper flavor. At least they did not choose pineapple.

This program continues to treat abstinence of alcohol as a good thing. Archibald removes his shirt in an act of aggression towards Jughead. He goes to Veronica. She refuses his advances before he even offers them. If he had remained shirtless, she would have been required to appease his sexual needs. Two girls talk. I switch to vermouth.

Two women talk about jewelry. I nap.

Two women talk while applying rouge. I realize I have fast forward capabilities and utilize them.

Archibald and Veronica perform “Kids in America.” I cannot dispute that they are in fact kids in America. A police officer finds a gun in FP’s home. Finally, someone with enough sense to own a pistol in Riverdale.

Archibald betrays Jughead’s trust. Betty betrays Jughead’s trust. Jughead must set forth on his own. It will build character. Jughead cries, but quickly stems the flow. With his father imprisoned, he is now the man of the home. The Jones men are the only real men in all of Riverdale.

Two women speak for what will hopefully be the final time. I finish my vermouth.

FP has been framed. He is a noble man.

Advertisement
Advertisement