Full Credits

Stats & Data

October 12, 2016

Trump's first day after acquiring the White House

Trump seems to believe, because he is a successful businessman (which remains to be seen since there is no proof except his word) that he is the best person to run the country.

Let’s suppose how this would go. Following is a series of emails within the federal government (this is already a stretch, as I can’t see Trump using anything but Twitter for non face-to-face communication):

From: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)
To: underlings (all@fed.gov.us)

Build the wall and bill Mexico.

From: Congress (Congress@fed.gov.us)
To: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)

Sir, we’ve already been over this. We don’t have any funding for building a wall – I know you want us to“bill” Mexico, but we checked with the justice department and neither we nor you can do that.

From: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)
To: everyone (all@fed.gov.us)

As of this moment, congress and the judicial divisions of the USA company are dissolved. All functions and responsibilities of those divisions will be undertaken by the CEO of USA – yeah, me.

From: Justice department (JD@fed.gov.us)
To: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)

With all due respect, you can’t do that. The USA is not a company and Congress and the judicial branch aren’t business units – they are integral parts of our republic as outlined in the Constitution. They and the executive branch (which includes you) form a structure of checks and balances, thus preventing any one branch from ultimate control over the republic.

This means you need to work with Congress to achieve what you want.

From: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)
To: peons (all@fed.gov.us)

Yeah, yeah, I heard about that, but I don’t agree with this “constitution”thing– it sounds like something a Washington “insider” made up, most likely Hillary. This is no way to run a business. So, the divisions go.

Now, build the wall.

Hey! Peons– Pee ons! Get it? No one makes puns better than me!

From: Trump (POTUS@fed.gov.us)
To: anyoneStillListening (all@fed.gov.us)

Okay, now that I have successfully initiated the reorganization – I am going to make further changes.

I’m rebranding the USA as the United States of Trump or UST.

The following states are wasting yuge amounts of company funds:

  • Mississippi 42.9% federal aid as percentage of general revenue
  • Louisiana 41.9%
  • Tennessee 39.5%
  • South Dakota 39.0%
  • Missouri 38.2%
  • Montana 37.4%
  • Georgia 37.3%
  • New Mexico 36.6%
  • Alabama 36.1%
  • Maine 35.3%

As of this moment, the residents of these states are fired and have 24 hours to vacate the UST.

Note to accountants: I’m pretty sure we can declare losses on these“failed ventures” and lower our national debt, because I’m a genius in tax law. Make it work. Or you’re fired.

From: Trump (Trump@me.ust)
To: Dick (theBigDick@undisclosedLocation.darknet)

GWB told me you can get this done and be discrete: bring me the head of HC.

(Note: I used codes instead of actual names to fool the liberal media if they should get a hold of this message. If you need help in decoding them, give me a tweet.

You’re welcome!)