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February 29, 2016

Like a pubescent child, the Academy Awards continually grow and change. Each year, new Oscar categories are expanded to recognize cinematic achievement in areas not usually recognized. The following categories were considered but ultimately rejected.

Another Academy Awards has come and gone. As per usual, the nation collectively watched Hollywood’s best and brightest come out to congratulate themselves and then responded with a collective, “That was sort of boring and long.” To make things more interesting next year, we propose the following award category additions to shake things up.

  • Most Natural Product Placement Of A Samsung Galaxy Edge S4
  • Biggest Horse
  • Most Natural Portrayal Of Someone Waking Up From Sleep
  • Best Incorporation Of “Gimme Shelter” In A Soundtrack
  • Best New Face On An Old Head
  • Most Authentic Urban Slang In Dialogue Written By A White Person
  • Best Plus-Size Director
  • Most Recent Spider-Man
  • Best Performance By A Scientologist Who Is So Good You Almost Forget
  • Least Supportive Actor
  • Most Realistic Vomiting
  • Best Performance By Someone Playing A Corpse Who Didn’t Breathe Or Blink Or Nothing
  • Whiniest Justification For Needing To Shoot On Film Instead Of Video
  • Hot Child Stars We’ve Lost To Aging
  • Most Kisses In A Film
  • Closest To Exactly 90 Minutes
  • Best Stanley Tucci
  • Best Oversimplification Of The Zeitgeist
  • Best Movie With a Really Young Woman Falling In Love With The Very Old Main Character, As To Satisfy The Director’s Fantasies
  • Best Woman’s Hair Tucked-Behind-The-Ear/Untucked Continuity
  • Film That Gets Us Closest To Talking About How Joy Director David O. Russell Groped His Teenage Niece
  • Best Picture Currently On Netflix
  • Foundest Footage
  • Most Original Reboot