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May 27, 2014

Rob Kardashian reportedly left his sister's wedding after she criticized him for not losing weight. Here's what Kimye had to say to their other guests.


As you may have heard, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West tied the knot this weekend in an opulent ceremony in Florence, Italy. One guest who was not in attendance was Kim’s brother, Rob, who reportedly left after being criticized by Kim for not losing weight in time for the wedding. We can’t say for sure whether this was the real reason for Rob Kardashian’s absence, but we CAN show you Kimye’s Thank You card messages to their other wedding guests and let you judge for yourself. Enjoy!

Dear Bruce Willis,

Thanks so much for coming to our wedding! And thanks for wearing that wig so no one would have to look at your disgusting bald head all night.

All our best,

-Kim & Kanye

P.S. - Hated you in Die Hard, plz don’t make more of those

Dear Khloe,

Thank you for your love and support and for agreeing to wear a green-screen suit so we can replace you with a more attractive person in all the photos and videos.

Your much prettier sister,

-Kim West (ew that sounds weird)

Dear Jaden Smith,

Thank you for coming to our wedding dressed in a white Batman suit. You are the most well-adjusted, down-to-earth person either of us know.


P.S. - Thanks for the white Batmobile — now Kanye has two!

Dear Joe Francis,

Thanks for coming to our wedding. We actually meant to invite Pope Francis, but you ended up being pretty cool too. Thanks for all the old “Girls Gone Wild” tapes. Kanye is sampling them for his next album.


P.S. - you have one of those body types where you could easily just get fat all of a sudden, so, you know, be careful.

Dear Hugh Jackman,

Thank you so much for coming to the wedding. Unfortunately, since you have a few more gray hairs since we last saw you, and you failed to wear your Wolverine claws at the wedding, we are digitally blurring your body in every photo so you look like a Bigfoot sighting. The mystery will be more intriguing than your disgusting aging features. Also, thanks for singing “At Last” at the wedding. It was lovely.


Kanyim (trying that name out, not crazy about it)

Dear baby North,

Your mommy and daddy love you very much. We love your smile, your bright eyes, and your chubby cheeks. That said, we hope you understand that your adorable chubby cheeks are the very reason we could not invite you to our wedding. Nothing personal, we simply could not bend our “No Fatties” rule for anyone, even our own child. If you have a problem with this, please have your baby attorney contact our mommy and daddy attorneys.

Best wishes,

-Your loving parents

Dear Pope Francis,

First off, sorry about the confusion with the Girls Gone Wild guy. More importantly though, thank you so much for officiating our wedding! It was a beautiful ceremony and we can tell you are a special man. Since you refused to wear makeup, however, the photos weren’t quite what we were hoping for, so we digitally replaced you with a younger, better looking model in a priest outfit.

Best of luck,

-The Yeezuses

Dear Cows Who Died To Become Sirloin Steak,

Thank you so much for being one of the meal choices for our dinner. You were mostly delicious. Some of our guests, however, noticed you had quite a few globs of fat attached to your meat. This is very disappointing. We thought you would have taken the time to lose any fat before being slaughtered and served to our guests. We hope you understand that we won’t be inviting you to our divorce.

All Our Best,

-The very famous humans who ate you

Dear Santa Claus,

Although it is not Christmastime, we would just like to thank you for not coming to the wedding. You are too fat and old, and although you are jolly, no one wants to see that fat ass in People Magazine.


-Mr. and Mrs. Kanye Kardashian

P.S.- Kanye would like to buy one of your flying reindeer for his next concert tour. Preferably Comet or Cupid.