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June 28, 2016

Eight men travel to Buenos Aires, Wells tries to get his first kiss with JoJo and someone goes home on the second 2 on 1 of the season.

Below is a recap from The Bachelorette episode from 6-27-16, the one where they go to Buenos Aires. Spoilers, obviously.

1. Ugh, Chris Harrison

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Oh hi, I’m unnecessary

JoJo is past the halfway point of the season and that means there are less dudes to fill time so now we have to look at Chris Harrison’s dumb face. For some reason, he sits down with JoJo to ask her how it’s going. She’s been doing just fine giving interviews to camera so far, why do we have to have Chris Harrison ask her questions? He is not a helpful piece of this puzzle. No rose for you Chris Harrison, please say your goodbyes.

2. We Find Out Why Adam Is a Jerk

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Short man syndrome

Adam is a little man. He’s got a beef with everyone and is always barking like a pit bull chihuahua. He has a Napoleon syndrome. That’s why he is a shitty person because he’s upset about being short. No one else gives a shit that he’s short, it’s the being an asshole part that sucks. Adam can’t get taller, but he can stop being a shitty little pain in our asses.

3. Wells Has the Game of a 14 Year Old Boy

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I’ve never kissed a girl before!!

JoJo picks Wells to go on the first one on one of the night and he confesses to the group that he hasn’t kissed her yet. Ohhhhh, I didn’t realize that Wells was 14 years old. His little adam’s apple was bopping around nervously as he talks about finding the perfect moment to kiss her just like he dreamt in his homeroom class before coming on the show. It’s so obvious that he’s not a match for her that I don’t know why they bothered with the date. Kid brother is going home.

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Before JoJo picks him up, the guys ask Wells if he’s ready. His response: “I’m not ready at all.” Great. Nothing hotter than uncertainty, Wells! Luke throws an awkward bomb all over them when he asks if they are going to kiss today as they are leaving. And then we are left to suffer through this desperate teen boy try to get his first kiss. He buys her a bracelet from a street vendor. No kiss. Some naked girls dance over their heads. No kiss. JoJo leans in to give him a kiss and he gives her his cheek. No kiss! Oof, this is painful to watch and listen to. Wells has talked about this kiss so much, I am now bored with kissing as a whole. Kissing is boring. It’s boring that he hasn’t kissed her. And when he finally does, that kiss looks boring too.

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4. Here’s The Rose You’re Not Getting

JoJo and Wells move on to dinner where chemistry is not on the menu. Wells thinks this is the beginning of their relationship and feels like he just stepped out of the limo now. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, WELLS?? You stepped out of the limo WEEKS ago! He talks about some past relationships and the one that hurt him the most was when his ex ended up being more of his best friend than his lover. And things are full circle because JoJo definitely seems like a big sister.

JoJo tells Wells she wants to feel magical unicorn love and Wells is like, “Hey lady, unicorns are bullshit.“ So JoJo picks up the rose that she’s not giving to him, holds it up, tells him he’s not getting it and puts it down. Is the rose guaranteed screen time? Why did she hold it up? Except for that weird part, the break up was solid. So long, Wells!

5. Jordan’s Abs are More Important than James’ Feelings

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Five dudes on the group date and I think this is the first group date where I can tell them apart! There’s Lil’ Adam, Robby Bobby, Humble James, Passion of the Luke and Pretty QB. They crash a street soccer game and while they are running around, JoJo brushes against Jordan’s rock hard abs. Sweet James, who can’t stop reminding us how out of his league JoJo is, has ab envy and talks shit about Jordan to JoJo. James says that Jordan was acting entitled because he wasn’t budging on the rules of poker. Hey James, sounds like you don’t know how to play poker and you’re a little cry baby. He goes on for several minutes talking shit and it was like watching a plane crash. His connection with JoJo was dwindling with every jealous word he said and then he asked JoJo for a kiss. Yuck. Kissing is boring.

JoJo immediately tells Jordan what was said about him and he doesn’t do a great job of easing her concerns. To be fair, that was some high school gossip that he had to defend himself to. He was definitely pissed because of how hard he was swishing his wine around. He was swishing it so hard!

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Adam is short again on this group date

6. Chase and Derek Dance for JoJo’s Love

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Chase and Derek are on the dreaded two on one date where they both go in, but only one leaves. Derek is uber confident about his connection and seems like he has it in the bag. Chase is so nervous and in his head, he seems like he can’t even focus on the moment. The pace of his brain is slower than the rest of us, right? He doesn’t seem dumb, just that he is processing everything on a slower speed. He’s good looking so by society rules he’s allowed to be slower.

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JoJo brings them for a “fun” three person tango which literally has them pulling her back and forth between them. Pretty sure the woman teaching the dance showed her vagina. I did not know that ABC could show vagina. Cool. She tells them that passion and trust are the keys to a relationship. Also dips and rubbing your legs on each other. Later, they both tell JoJo that they are falling for her and she sends Derek home cuz what’s the difference? Derek is BUMMED and cries (against his will) in the limo while Chase and JoJo dance to “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”.

“I’m Derek. And Derek is imperfect.” - Derek, imperfect man who hates to cry

7. JoJo Gives Pity Roses Rather Than Reject Dudes

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UPDATE: Adam is still the shortest

It’s quite a cocktail party because JoJo is making out with all of the guys. She seems to have feelings for each of the guys that are left, and they all love her, so I can only foresee this getting more and more emotionally draining for JoJo. She is in love with five different people and has to keep sending them home. Which is why tonight, she couldn’t handle it and kept James and Adam by adding a rose. Adam calls it right, those are pity roses. She didn’t want to definitely keep them, but she didn’t want to definitely send them home so she prolongs them being there for another week. Because you better believe both of those dudes are going home next week. You know it. I know it. Adam knows it. Someone better tell JoJo.