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May 04, 2017

Breakups hurt the most when you learn your ex is dating someone else!

Relationship experts say that breakups hurt the most when you learn your ex is dating someone else. The sharp pang of heartbreak you’re currently feeling is a natural reaction to realizing your ex left you to date former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan.

If only you paid more attention to the early warning signs, you could’ve seen this coming. When she took up a class in Keynesian macroeconomic theory, she claimed it was just a new hobby, but this was a classic sign your relationship was nearing its end. You were just too oblivious to realize it. When you had that big argument about high gold prices weakening the U.S. dollar, it wasn’t just a petty couple’s fight. It was a red flag that she wanted to see other people—namely libertarian monetarists who want to bring back the gold standard, like Alan Greenspan.

No relationship lasts forever, but it still hurts to know that she started developing feelings for Alan Greenspan while you all were still together. And now that she’s dating him, you know she’s moved on. In the early 2000s, Greenspan urged homeowners to buy more adjustable-rate mortgages—a leading cause of the 2008 financial crisis. Now, your romantic life is like the U.S. housing market: devastated by Alan Greenspan. Except this time, there’s no one to bail out your heart.


Left to right: you, your ex’s new boyfriend

When you and your ex broke up, you naturally unfollowed each other on social media. But that didn’t keep her Facebook profile from cropping up in the “People You May Know” list, which is how you noticed that her new profile photo displays her and the retired economist standing outside the American Enterprise Institute as his 91-year-old lips land on her cheek for a wet kiss. Your stomach churned as you read the comments her friends left like “he’s a cutie” and “you 2 are adorable together”; and “nice romantic getaway!”

Breakups will always hurt (unless you’re Greenspan and the big banks.) The pain you feel is a natural part of the process, but you shouldn’t let a new boy in your ex’s life get you down. There are plenty more fish in the sea, so cheer up and look forward to the hot date you have tonight with current Federal Reserve chairwoman Janet Yellen!


Janet Yellen