6 Reasons Why September TV Streaming Will Benefit The Universe
In an era where’s it’s actually uncool to say you don’t watch television, pretentious douchebags are delving into other fields, leaving the television artform to keep expanding and capture our interests. With the act of basking in summer’s relaxing opportunities coming to an end, it’s important that we have something to accompany our sports and wistful summer dispositions– and that’s where streaming cable comes in. The Verge announced a day ago all the shows that would be appearing, disappearing, and reappearing on our favorite streaming service sites. Here are 6 reasons why that is a blessing in disguise.
1. The Possible Lessening of Facebook Live
Just when I thought I was out, that canny genius Mark Zuckerberg has pulled me and similar-minded social media defamers back in. Millennial narcissism is at a rampant, full-time high when any old nobody has the ability to record a live video of themselves and post it to Facebook. We as a species have already been conditioned to believe that even our daily cuisines are fodder for our friends’ entertainment, but the concept goes a bit further when balding insurance agent Todd can post a live video of his little toddler Jake’s birthday party and reasonably expect people to tune in as Todd awkwardly pushes a visibly uncomfortable Jake down a slide, all the while grinning all too creepily into a smart phone camera. Despite the floating “Like” and “Love” images floating by like pesky digital fruit flies, nobody likes Jake and the nominal attendance at his party should be proof enough Todd. All you are doing is setting him up for a life of insecurity that will only be medicated via whatever digital narcissism self-esteem boosters are available when he becomes of age, further exacerbating the problem. Or drugs of course.
2. Woody Allen’s Crisis in 6 Scenes
Woody Allen has a reputation that precedes itself, and it’s great to see him adopting the television medium instead of under-age wives. But Woody isn’t letting all his talents in the field go in the field of underage scouting. Apparently a fuller than full-grown Miley Cyrus will be part of the cast, allowing the famous director to excel in his expertise of taking women who matured quicker than expected and giving them roles to play in his life. Television is “in” right now, and the 1960’s based Crisis in 6 Scenes looks like it will feature all of the neurotic charm of Woody’s most beloved films, comedy routines, and books, so it stands up (see what I did there) to reason that it will be more appealing than some of the more bizarre hiccups in his resume like Match Point or Scoop. (I don’t care what any critic says, I’d rather tape my eyes to Lena Dunham’s asschecks than watch Scoop again). And even though those movies suck, Woody teaches people how to be narcissistic and pretentious in the right way, not the Facebook Live way that one day will convince little Jake that all his life’s pathetic actions deserve a camera phone present, or whatever Adderall-fueled future Steve Jobs is working on in Silicon to make the smart phone obsolete.
3. More Freedom In Your Diet
Summer is over, so that six-pack you’ve been stressing over is something to cross off your bucket list– and fill those buckets with more beer. Yes fitness is fine, but who really wants to worry about a proper assortment of grains, kale, and those mysterious bright green smoothies and pronouncing words like ‘quinoa’ correctly when you are busy binge-watching your favorite TV shows on Amazon Prime, Netflix, or HBO? Now you can stop obsessing over rewatching clips of those neat little Buzzfeed “put together a meal from scratch” videos and just snack on whatever unhealthy items you’ve been sadly neglecting on your grocery shopping lists. Besides, not many people want to watch the seventh season of Heartland while enjoying Popchips instead of popcorn. So let your tummy have some freedom, kick back, relax, and toast your Bud Light to not having to worry about Gluten coming to destroy your life by raping and pillaging your village– or apartment complex.
4. Summer Vacations
The sad, twisted fact about summer vacations is that all good things must come to an end. While you were showing off your tanned, gluten-free body at the beach, some hard-working nerds were making sure that you would have enough entertainment to sustain your serotonin levels once the tropical drinks stopped flowing and you were forced to dust the sand off your swimsuit, turn in your return-home ticket at the airport, and carry your real-life frowny-face emoji to the stressful climate of what regular folks call reality. Besides, some of us didn’t have the means to take a tropical vacation this year, so our collective jealousy at seeing your time-of-your-life Instagram posts will settle to a less spiteful stew, ensuring friendships carry on without any unneeded animosity. This is really a good thing for everyone, because social media should really be used as a playground for unhappy, existential questioning and all-caps baby mama drama rather than unadulterated joy. Be courteous of your followers next time.
5. Nick Cannon’s departure from Netflix
Although it’s sad to see classic cinematic achievements like Zoolander go, Nick Cannon is one of the most awful things to happen to television ever since he left All That to pursue other misadventures. Anyone remember “Gigilo?” Wild’n’Out is a genius concept minus Nick Cannon, just like Guns ‘N’ Roses reunion is a genius concept minus everything and everyone involved with it. The only thing Nick Cannon is talented at is being Nick Cannon, and somehow finding more work, even though a city named Los Angeles exists where census data proves that every single resident wants to work in showbiz and precisely 90% are more talented than Nick Cannon. The remaining 10% are actually still better than him but lose points because they are A) pornstars or B) could never pull off enough sorcery to somehow lull Mariah Carey into marriage, a feat scientists are still scratching their heads as they try to uncode that peculiar milestone in the world.
6. Family Arguments
There are a lot of holidays coming up, and that means a lot of family arguments that you will probably at some point awkwardly be in the middle of. September is the perfect time to practice for this. Your aunt Margaret piercing your father with that all too recognizable “you’re no good for her and why don’t you just Facebook Live yourself falling off a bridge or going to Hell.” But there is a fighting chance for joy the more streaming video is available, and hopefully aunt Margaret will get so entranced by watching Heaven’s Gate and four Jaws movies that all her familial spite will vanish, or at least come November just long enough for you to hop to the fridge unnoticed and steal another piece of peach cobbler while you sashay away to watching season 6 of The New Girl.