The London Zoo’s infamous Zoo Late Friday night parties are no more. After multiple disturbances to the animals, including a man pouring an entire beer onto a tiger and a naked man attempting to enter the penguin pool,they have decided to opt for more family friendly events. But animals’ rights organizations like PETA don’t think the zoo is doing enough to insure the animals’ safety and care.
The new event is called “Sunset Safaris” which the zoo is saying is for “friends, couples, and families alike… to experience the magic of the zoo after-hours.” But the critics are still not pleased. A representative from PETA said that “allowing visitors in the zoo outside normal business hours interrupts the animals’ usual sleep schedule and can cause them fear, distress and even physical harm.”
The London Zoo adamantly denies that these events are negatively affecting the animals, but they’re going about it the wrong way. In these situations it’s always best to own up to the misdoings and declare they know exactly what they’re doing. Clearly, the smart move is to merge with another failing business model, and create a live-action Rainforest Cafe.
My Case For Making All Zoos Into Live Action Rainforest Cafes
Never been to a Rainforest Cafe? You’re missing out, my friend. It’s a place where you can watch animatronic orangutans swing from a ceiling adorned with fake vines while waiters bring you a burger made out of cow meat but it’s called a Lion Burger because that’s more fun.
Think about it! Making all zoos into live action Rainforest Cafes is the perfect solution. Those animatronic animals don’t have to sleep, and neither should the live animals we’ve been generous enough to bless with a new concrete floored and cage walled home.
And this way, the London Zoo can proudly become a for-profit organization whose concern is not about “protecting” the animals or “educating” the public, but instead using them, as they have been all along, to promote a fun night out.
Hell, grab that beer soaked tiger and make him the bartender! Turn the penguin pool into a champagne room! The snakes that were disturbed when the glass to their encasement was cracked by a rowdy bachelor party? Make the glass thicker and put live snakes in every tabletop! Throw live mice in there too and it’ll be sure to entertain the bros while they wait for their dessert. Allow betting on how long the mice will live and make money off that. Have a chimp be the bookmaker and make sure to put him in a little tuxedo. That’s gonna be cute as hell.
The London Zoo is already a fucking party so why not just brand it that way? And what is the one thing you’re always bummed out by at The Rainforest Café, aside from the shitty food? I’ll tell you: the fact that the animals aren’t real! It’s a win-win situation that’s bound to be a wild fun time for everyone involved.*
*Except the animals. The animals will suffer.