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June 21, 2017
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One and a half flesh-eating scarabs.

When Universal first announced Tom Cruise was starring in a reboot of The Mummy, it raised a lot of eyebrows around Hollywood. Would this tie to the previous Mummy trilogy? Are any of the stars of those films returning? Specifically, would I, Brendan Fraser, be offered a role? After seeing the movie, I can answer all three of these important questions with a disappointing “no.”

Some might say that I, Brendan Fraser, star of three installments in The Mummy franchise, am too biased to give this film a fair shake. They would be wrong. Nobody knows mummies better than I do. Which is exactly why this film is such a confusing disaster. Perhaps the most disappointing plot turn occurs at the end of the film, when the audience finally realizes (SPOILERS AHEAD!) that I do not make an appearance in this film. I was shocked as well; as an extra during the London crowd scenes I was sure I made it into frame before security noticed my fake mustache and forcibly removed me from the set.

While the film does break new ground with a terrifying female mummy, why should Tom Cruise get top billing on her poster?

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If any man is going to steal her spotlight, why not let it be 2009 Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award recipient, Brendan Fraser?

The fact that my beloved character, Rick O’Connell, is nowhere to be found leaves this film with insurmountable plot holes. Even the cameo by Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll is completely unnecessary, as it lends screen time to yet another character not played by me, Brendan Fraser. Unfortunately, I can only give this lame reboot 1 ½ Flesh-Eating Scarabs.

With this lackluster launch, it’s hard to get excited about the ensuing “Dark Universe.” Unless there are still monsters up for grab, in which case I’d be willing to play any of them. The Abominable Snowman. Swamp Thing. Bride of Swamp Thing. I’m available.

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