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November 05, 2015

Ten comprehensive reasons everyone should try eating glue at least once.

Most people have never tried eating glue, but those of us who have tried today’s milky white horse goodness are privy to some things you might be unaware of. You know how eating buttholes was considered gross and now it is all the rage? Same goes for sipping on some Elmers. This is honestly something you need to get into before your friends do. So, to help persuade you (and your friends) here are ten reasons everyone should be eating glue.

It’s readily available and there’s more where it came from.

Food is becoming scarce. Don’t be a part of the problem.


It’s no longer made from poop

At one point in time, paste was probably made from poop and that’s why it was gross or funny when someone ate it. Guess what, it’s no longer made from poop and you should inform the ignorant minds that laugh.


It’s made from horses

Everyone knows that eating spinach will give you Popeye’s muscles, but did you know if you eat glue you get the strength of a horse?! Now which one do you think is better?


It feels like a man’s juice mixed with mucus, but stickier in your mouth.

Now you can experience the answer to the age-old question of what that tastes like.


People of the Glue-munity are really nice and you might see some familiar faces.

This super supportive group even has some celebs! Just join and find out for yourself!


It’ll give you a way to bond with Paste Eating Patrick Goldman at your school reunion.

If my therapist taught me anything, connecting with people is good. This is a great place to start.

Pasty Patty will probably forgive you for bullying him.

I don’t want to put words into his mouth, but like, what you’re doing is awesome and that can’t be ignored.

Pat Glue-man Group might actually become your friend.

After ruining all of your relationships from years of drinking, you might get a new start. He might be your last shot, so don’t mess it up.

Paste-rick found a wife and maybe you can too.

He clearly got a few things right.Why not follow in his footsteps.

The Government says it’s poison, but they’ve been wrong before.

I’m no conspiracy fanatic*, but there’s clear evidence that the government makes rules so we don’t do awesome stuff. Let’s make sure those greedy boys and girls don’t have all the glue to themselves!

*Also, if Pasty Mayonnaise would like me better as a conspiracy theorist, I can do that too.