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October 26, 2015
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Bears are scary enough without the ability to FLY.

Well, you really did it this time, Florida hunters. You fucked us all.

Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. After your wildly “successful” Tallahassee bear-shooting spree this weekend, in which 295 bears were killed in the span of two days, the country is now plagued by an enormous new crop of – you fuckin’ guessed it – BEAR GHOSTS. About 295 of them to be exact, and all with some serious unfinished business to attend to.

And don’t even talk to me about how this hunt was part of an overall plan by state wildlife officials to manage Florida’s growing bear population. I ain’t some bear-hugging hippie waving a cardboard sign with a drawing of sad Winnie the Pooh with a target on his forehead. I’m just a regular, bear-fearing pragmatist with enough sense to know that mass bear murders = throngs of new bear ghosts. I’m just trying to protect my family here. A family you just fucked by creating a flock of ferocious grizzly phantoms thirsty for revenge after being murdered in cold blood, probably in front of their own kids. I mean, seriously, weren’t bears scary enough without the ability to FLY and walk through walls?!

And I know you macho hunter types are probably thinking, “I ain’t afraid of no bear ghosts – I got a gun!” But what you dickheads don’t realize is that you’ve already cashed in all of your chips, self-protection-wise. You think your stupid bullets will help you now?! News flash, Elmer Fudd: Bullets may bring down living bears, but they’re completely useless against ghost bears. Only mystical bear amulets can stop ghost bears and fuck if I know where to get one of those. I sure as hell wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you guys if I did. I’d be on a beach somewhere with a beautiful bikini model, smoking a big fat J-bird and counting how many translucent bear claws AREN’T taking swipes at my ball sack.

I mean, this is just exactly what we as a country did NOT need right now. We’ve got Trump ahead in the polls, insane weather – which, by the way, has already been contributing to increased numbers of very angry polar bear ghosts – and now this? My only hope is that by publishing the names of the bears who were gunned down in this massacre, we can help put their tormented spirits to rest and end this ghoulish, scarier-than-the-average-nightmare. So, without further ado, here are the names of all 295 bears killed this past weekend in Florida:

  • Brambles
  • Scrambles
  • David K.
  • Honeytits
  • Dr. Tyler D. Fuzzball, M.D.
  • Winnie the Piss
  • Li’l Doof
  • Big Doof
  • Treeface
  • Lemonade
  • Pink Lemonade
  • Sandwich boy
  • Kevin
  • Kevin F.
  • Damien Fahey
  • Madonna bear
  • Gorg
  • Tuttle
  • Ping
  • Lord Fiskas
  • Marcus
  • Zachary Ty Bear
  • Liz
  • Cristobal
  • Taz
  • The wickedly talented Adele Grizz-eem
  • Corduroy
  • Travis
  • Tammy K.
  • Lippy
  • Bitcoin
  • Wheelz
  • Keenan Ivory Dumpster
  • Honeylips
  • Pic-a-nic
  • Apple Paltrow
  • Blanket
  • Steve Jalbs
  • Fat Francis
  • Cobalt
  • Timothy Fard
  • Bethanny Madoff-Fard
  • Conch
  • Frizz
  • Crizz
  • Blizz
  • Dizz
  • Dan Lo Preto
  • Pat Bear
  • Pizza Rat, the Bear
  • Kobe!
  • Colby!
  • Clover
  • Oasis
  • Tretorn
  • Fannypack
  • Luvin spoonful
  • Beary Goldwater
  • Michael Salmon
  • Kodiak
  • Casio
  • Applejack
  • Will Hines
  • Beary McCrossen
  • George Bearison
  • Commander Leaf
  • Tort
  • Tricycle
  • Dipstick
  • Paddywhack
  • Lizard man
  • Cornbread
  • Sugarloaf
  • Sweetie boy
  • Cunningham
  • Little Lord Funnyboy
  • Tickle Me Ephram
  • Fancy
  • Hansel
  • Groucho
  • Bee-sucking Wanda
  • La Croix
  • Wisp
  • Tong Tong
  • Barleycorn
  • Tippytop
  • Fuckbear
  • FUNKbear
  • Mary Reilly
  • Caldwell Banker
  • Dorpy
  • Fazoo
  • Limonada
  • Corsica
  • Fannypack
  • Anthony Keidis
  • Big Soup
  • Kung
  • Listerine
  • Bingo Bradshaw
  • Runningback
  • Walter Wipes
  • Killer
  • Caca-wow
  • Holy mother
  • Fun boy
  • Terry Withers
  • Boingo Hotspot
  • Croingo Adelman-Hotspot
  • Leps
  • Fon
  • Cord
  • Luh
  • Borch
  • Cardinal Pumpkin
  • Language Bear
  • Tuna Bear
  • The Wiz
  • Candy
  • Vegetables
  • Breadbowl
  • Heavenface
  • Ty Bear-ell
  • Canada
  • Bold Coffee
  • Holy Father
  • Timeclock
  • Whoa!
  • Carpet
  • We Bought a Zoo
  • Bear Grills
  • Bear who grills
  • Yabba Dabba
  • Danny the Narc
  • Fancy Douglas
  • Mean, Mean Chester Dean
  • Bathroom
  • Toilet
  • Garbage boy
  • Garbage man
  • Gary Grundich
  • Carlos Salm-tana
  • Salmon Diane
  • Canada Dry
  • Barka
  • Whore’s bath
  • Flexi-bear
  • Chief
  • Guy
  • Buddy
  • Frankel
  • Schizoid
  • Holy shit
  • Margolis
  • Marigold
  • Funnypants
  • Dirtyboy
  • Scrounge
  • Jester
  • Rumblepack
  • Eyebrow
  • Prius
  • Michelada
  • Hot Sauce
  • Big Daddy
  • Small Daddy
  • Stepfather
  • Box
  • Amazon
  • Armisen
  • Beary Brownstein
  • Nectarine Gene
  • Winnie the Barf
  • Sinnerman
  • Porridge freak
  • Torpedo
  • Homina Homina
  • Legoman
  • Fo
  • Pinkie
  • Dreamhouse
  • David Lynch
  • Cordcutter
  • Peakaboo
  • Treat boy
  • Goodie bag
  • Caramel Joe
  • Cigarettes
  • Pecan Sanders
  • Colonel Pecan Sanders (ret.)
  • Rex Ryan
  • Coozehound
  • Paw Fetish
  • Donut
  • Kellogg
  • Williamsburg
  • Hollywood Tan
  • Finn
  • Lapdog
  • Porno
  • Beerbelly
  • Tinkle Toy
  • Bauhaus
  • Robert Smith
  • Governor K-Cup
  • Greenscreen
  • Overalls
  • Mouth Cancer
  • Dippin Dot Daniels
  • Charles the Fornicator
  • Penelope the Brave
  • Wyld Chyld
  • Sex maniac
  • Cub Scout
  • Beansprout
  • Meatboy
  • Sandyman
  • Billy Corgan
  • Uh-Oh
  • Bam Margera
  • Rory
  • DJ Woodchip
  • Just Jared
  • Predator
  • Fing Raymes
  • Boatman
  • Nick Cave
  • Six Plus
  • Prime Minister Tony Bear
  • Apple Ruxpin
  • Your girl Kaya
  • Paul Hair, Mall Bear
  • Cereal Pieces
  • Roary Amos
  • Hibiscus
  • Perogi bear
  • Stink 182
  • Pepsi Max
  • Pell Grant
  • Gentle Zachary
  • Windy Williams
  • Kindle boy
  • King Briarpatch
  • Dizzy the goatfucker
  • Marmalade
  • Sir Paul
  • Mingia
  • Paypal
  • Hopscotch
  • Liberty spike
  • Hotel bear
  • Tim Curry
  • Flapjack
  • Turtle
  • Twitterbot
  • Rocky 2
  • Bio-dome
  • Comedy Store
  • Yoni Lotan
  • Jaxxx
  • Bear Stearns
  • Goggles
  • Muzzle boy
  • Frugal Traveller
  • Britney
  • Bogan
  • Borno
  • Beary Farrell
  • Cobbler
  • Cindy Clawford
  • Disco Grizz
  • Linda
  • Rebecca Cunningham
  • Chet Siegel
  • Misha Bearton
  • Naughty Nancy
  • Charmin
  • Father Daniel Hubbard
  • Windsong
  • Angela Tommasetti
  • Zeke the Greek
  • Spooky Dale
  • Papoose
  • Darpy
  • Clog
  • Folgers Crystal
  • Tic-Tac
  • Barge Syntax
  • Crundle K. Willoughby
  • Mother Kiss
  • Hector the Honey Inspector
  • Crispin “Bear” Glover
  • Tree Bark Mark
  • Genesis Porridge
  • Toblerone J. Wikarski, DDS

May they rest in peace and stay the HELL out of my dumpster. That’s where I live!

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