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May 08, 2015
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Idris Elba Breaks Land Speed Record For New Celebrities-Doing-Crazy-Things Show

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When you’re rich and famous you can pursue all sorts of crazy crap in your free time. Are you musician who wants to be an MMA fighter? Someone will let you do that! Are you eccentric real estate mogul who wants to wrestle snakes? Someone will make that happen! Are you famous actor and notorious handsome man Idris Elba and you want to set a land speed record in a Bentley? Someone will make a TV show to accommodate it!

Driving a standard production, 626 horsepower Bentley Continental car thing, Stringer Bell from The Wire broke the 90 year old “flying mile” UK speed record on a beach in Wales. The “flying mile” is basically a car going as fast as it can for a mile with a rolling start (meaning the start occurs when the car is already at top speed). Elba’s Bentley averaged 180.4mph over the full mile.

The run was filmed for an upcoming Discovery Channel series called Idris Elba: No Limits, a show that I’m guessing is all about Elba breaking through pre-conceived notions of what’s “normal” or “standard” by doing stunts using expensive equipment. And I love those shows! There should be more of them! So I put together a list of pitches for Discovery Channel’s next “Celebrity doing crazy stuff” show.


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Kevin James: Boundless
James has made a movie career out of getting into sticky situations and then falling down and crashing into things to get out of them, so why not see him do it in real life? Strip away all the movie magic and get Kevin James into real situations where he might accidentally get his ankle hooked to a ceiling fan and fly round and round as he knocks out a gang of potential robbers, which is a scene that I am sure happens in Paul Blart: Mall Cop at least once. All stunts would be completely safe of course, and James would always come out on top!


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Biff Henderson (From Late Show with David Letterman): Unlimited*
Long time Letterman stage manager, Biff Henderson, tries to Bungie Jump. It’s 8 episodes of the “will he or won’t he” struggle of Biff Henderson getting ready to bungie jump. Letterman won’t appear on the show because he is retired.
*Actual title


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Sarah Jessica Parker: Unbreakable
Over the course of a 22 episode season, Sarah Jessica Parker’s expensive clothes get increasingly itchy. She’s presented with the option of wearing more comfortable, casual clothes but her challenge is to always dress fancy despite all the itching powder that we’ve been pouring into her designer dresses, shoes , and hats.


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Billy Bob Thornton: Without Any Limits
The only time Billy Bob Thornton ever smiles is when he’s up to something, well this show is all about finding moments for Thornton to experience actual, pure, all-enveloping joy. To laugh and smile in an unfiendish way. He’ll be riding roller coasters, holding newborn babies, and watching the woman he loves wake up next to him knowing that he gets to spend the rest of his life with her.


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Shaquille O'Neill: Unmovable
Shaq has had about a dozen reality shows already but this one I’m confident will truly catch the public’s imagination. Shaq is forced to perform every Broadway musical currently running without learning any of the lines. And as the final episode he must perform Peter Pan in front of his NBA on TNT co-hosts and fly in one of those harnesses. Can you imagine what Charles Barkley will say?


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Kevin Bacon: I’m the Sheriff Now
In a full role reversal of his Footloose character, Kevin Bacon gets extreme by going into a small town and is named Sheriff under a different name. He slowly wins the trust of the townspeople, charming them with that Hollywood smile, and then politely presents a new law that would outlaw dancing in the town. Will he successfully “footloose” an entire town? You have to watch to find out.

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