This is the transcript of a 911 call made in the summer of 2013. The callers identities have been kept private for their own privacy. Read discretion is advised.
911: this is 911 what is your emergency?
Man: um, hello? Yes, I am, it seems that I’m having a little trouble with my, um, member.
911: your member sir?
Man: yes! My member. My…uh…private-
911: oh sir, I am sorry to hear that, sir. What’s the private’s name?
Man: name?! Well, I haven’t thought to name him. I guess people would call him Johnson?
911: okay, sir, well can you tell me what’s going on with private Johnson?
Man: I can’t seem to get him to “stand at attention”.
911: ok. Have you tried asking him to? I’m not sure the relationship-
Man: oh I’ve asked him plenty. I’ve brought God and Jesus into this as well. I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded.
911: well, sir. I’m not sure what the emergency-
Man: the emergency is that he won’t wake the fuck up!
911: sir, I understand please don’t panic, I’m sure-
Man: I’m panicking. I got this broad in the next room right now-
911: sir, I’m sorry to ask this but is your member, your, uh, private… Is it your actual penis?
Man: yes!!!! What on earth did you think?
911: I’m sorry, sir. I just thought maybe you are calling for a military friend-
Man: no, no, no, no!!!! I was calling because I’m locked inside this bathroom and I’ve tried everything. Pornography, self stimulation, I’ve even stuck fingers in my forbidden places.
911: sir, I am sorry but we don’t help these kind of situations. I would urge you to call your family physician and maybe he could get your sorted out-
Man: what the fuck does he know, he’s a homosexual.
911: sir,for the symptoms you have explained to me, it seems like you have ED and it’s treatable-
Man: listen, woman,I’ve never been to any war, I don’t have any PTED or anything for that matter, I just need help getting my D in some V before the AM. Is that too much to ask??
911: sir, I’m sorry, but I wish you luck.