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June 27, 2016

Rescue: 911 transcript of a unaired episode.

This is the transcript of a 911 call made in the summer of 2013. The callers identities have been kept private for their own privacy. Read discretion is advised.

911: this is 911 what is your emergency?

Man: um, hello? Yes, I am, it seems that I’m having a little trouble with my, um, member.

911: your member sir?

Man: yes! My member. My…uh…private-

911: oh sir, I am sorry to hear that, sir. What’s the private’s name?

Man: name?! Well, I haven’t thought to name him. I guess people would call him Johnson?

911: okay, sir, well can you tell me what’s going on with private Johnson?

Man: I can’t seem to get him to “stand at attention”.

911: ok. Have you tried asking him to? I’m not sure the relationship-

Man: oh I’ve asked him plenty. I’ve brought God and Jesus into this as well. I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded.

911: well, sir. I’m not sure what the emergency-

Man: the emergency is that he won’t wake the fuck up!

911: sir, I understand please don’t panic, I’m sure-

Man: I’m panicking. I got this broad in the next room right now-

911: sir, I’m sorry to ask this but is your member, your, uh, private… Is it your actual penis?

Man: yes!!!! What on earth did you think?

911: I’m sorry, sir. I just thought maybe you are calling for a military friend-

Man: no, no, no, no!!!! I was calling because I’m locked inside this bathroom and I’ve tried everything. Pornography, self stimulation, I’ve even stuck fingers in my forbidden places.

911: sir, I am sorry but we don’t help these kind of situations. I would urge you to call your family physician and maybe he could get your sorted out-

Man: what the fuck does he know, he’s a homosexual.

911: sir,for the symptoms you have explained to me, it seems like you have ED and it’s treatable-

Man: listen, woman,I’ve never been to any war, I don’t have any PTED or anything for that matter, I just need help getting my D in some V before the AM. Is that too much to ask??

911: sir, I’m sorry, but I wish you luck.

*line disconnects*