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August 22, 2017

Alex Jones wants to end globalisml. Maybe jumping of a 175ft platform dive into an inflatable pool will finally do it.

Conspiracy theorist and radio host Alex Jones is a vocal advocate of anti-globalism. He is well known for the controversial and sometimes harmful things he has said and done throughout his career. This newest stunt might take the cake. He says he is tired of being forced to be inclusive and caring and has decided to finally try to put an end to globalism by making a deal with George Soros, the “President of Globalization.” Alex Jones plans to demonstrate the strength of the American spirit by diving into a pool from 175 feet in the sky. Jones, an untrained diver who will almost certainly kill himself attempting this jump, thinks that if Soros sees what America can accomplish, without interference from the outside world, he will “cancel globalism.”

Jones said “Unlock your human potential! Defeat the globalists who wanna shutter your mind!—Your doorways to perception!—I wanna see you truly live! I wanna see you truly be who you are!” He continued, “That is why I will be attempting this jump. If I can show all the little chicken-neck nellies that rule us that we, as Americans alone, are unstoppable, they will be forced to break then hopefully return to the planet from which they came. Angelina Jolie, Justin Biebler, Hillary Goddamn Clinton, and especially Soros, who is behind it all.”

When asked if he was afraid of dying while attempting this nearly impossible, record breaking jump, Jones didn’t seem to even understand the concept of death. In what can only be described as an inappropriately confident manner, he exclaimed “I AM A STRONG MAN! YAAAHHH! RAAAHH! WE’RE COMING FOR YA GLOBALISTS. ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-FIVE FEET IN THE SKY! COMING FOR YA!"After which he immediately apologized for getting "fired up.”

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Jones insisted he is ready for the jump by saying,“If I’m in, you know, especially in a poor area, and I see guys walking like they’re thugs down the street, I don’t care what color they are, I go ‘That guy looks like they’re a thug, and looks like they’re tough, okay… If they try to shake me down I’m gonna ignore them and keep walking, and if they come up to me and try to put a hand on me, I’m gonna punch 'em right in the throat.’”

“We’re coming for ya globalists!”

Jones’ jump, if he survives, would be the highest recorded dive of all time. Not only will it break the 172ft jump completed by Dana Kunze in 1983, it may also halt the current movement towards a global economy (or at least Jones thinks so).
Alex Jones’ reaffirms,“Soros will be watching as I soar through the sky. When I emerge from that small, plastic pool, that tiny lizard will be put in his place. Freedom will be given back to the people of America and it will be the best goddamn feeling in the world. Excuse me.”

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Incredible! He’s done it! Alex Jones has ended globalism!