Ah, fall! The seasons are changing, school’s back in session, and the government will turn on us at any moment, suppressing our freedoms and taking away our rightfully owned guns, leaving us with no choice but to take matters into our own hands. Any prepper worth their weight in junk silver* needs to be ready for “SHTF** scenarios” so that we can H4TH*** and remain off the grid till things get better (if ever). This is where the Bug-Out Bag, or BOB for short, comes into play. The BOB carries all your essentials for post-disaster living. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
We asked some Buggers we admire to show us what’s in their Bug-Out Bag. Take a look for inspiration and also to further ignite your fear of the impending government takeover.
*coins minted before 1964 were made of 90% silver and will still hold their value after the inevitable government collapse!
**shit hits the fan
***head for the hills
Fill Me Up Buttercup
“I’ve stocked my BOB with a metal camper’s cup and several gallons of drinking water, since when the apocalypse comes, potable water will be one of the first things to run out, right before food, dog food, and batteries. Whether your family’s bugging out (changing locations to move some place safer) or bugging in (hunkering down at the home base because nowhere is safe), H20 is an absolute necessity.”
Girl About Town
“Right now everyone’s using Google Maps, but when God shuts down the sinful Web it’ll be back to analog basics. A local area map lets me mark off areas where there is an overwhelming amount of dead, or good deals on clothes.”
“When it comes to reading materials, the only thing I keep in my go-bag is the Holy Bible. This is good for both leisure reading and for real-life reference. I also keep a copy of my birth certificate in between the pages, just in case.”
I actually also keep a second bible with the pages cut out so I can keep store my 9mm with a 15 round mag capacity in it, to protect me from losers in the federal government. The government’s been stocking up on their own B.S., highly unauthorized military-grade bug-out bags full of riot gear, automatic weapons and trillions of dollars going towards who knows what; why shouldn’t I have a little handgun in a book to take on the go with me?
While it is important to bring a real raincoat for the potential hazardous weather conditions I might face, I’m talkin raincoats for my willy in this case. I carry a pack of condoms (non lubricated) in case I run into a sexy bug-out babe and we aren’t quite ready to repopulate the entire earth yet.
In the event of a global ecosystem collapse, it is totally essential to arm yourself. I always carry a ruger 10/22 take-down rifle with 6 magazines, 1000 rounds, bi-pod and Pentax scope, plus M&P .40 with 4 magazines and 200 rounds of Critical Defense. That way when the water saturated surveillance pods sprout and begin to take over, I can easily obliterate them with my bullets. I wouldn’t be caught without my 10/22! That’d be so embarrassing!
Color Me Outta Here!
Is it a bush? Is it a tree? No! It’s me hiding in a bush or a tree with my face painted to better my disguise! I’m totally addicted to those YouTube tutorials about how to contour your face to look like foliage! Guilty!
Gun Nut, Literally!
When I said I was a gun nut, I wasn’t just making a pun. In the case that my ammunition is confiscated by rogue TSA agents, I’ve hidden more bullets in peanut shells that I keep in a waterproof ziplock bag. My research shows that 1 in 3 TS-Assholes are allergic to peanuts so they won’t know what hit ‘em. Until then, I just hope I don’t get too hungry! Munch, munch, boom! lol
“My lips get dry and cracked easily, probably from kissing hot girl peers of mine, so when the government turns on us all and my female classmates come running to get advice from someone who knows what’s fucked I’m gonna need chapstick. It’s also a surprisingly effective fire starter!”
Since I’m not 18 yet the government won’t let me buy firearms, but I’ve circled all my favorite ones in copies of Guns & Ammo, Garden & Gun, and Tiger Beat For Boys W/ Guns so I can add them to my BOB once I’m old enough, or once the government destroys itself while attempting to seize our hard-earned property, whichever comes first! Once I get those guns, can’t nobody stop me from looking into the eyes of anyone who disagrees with or looks different from me, not even the military. I’ll shoot a trash can if it don’t look like me! Only if I feel that I am in danger, of course.
Do Or DIY
Sometimes I feel too impatient to wait for the S to HTF, so me and some of my fellow teen gun-heads get together anonymously for “build parties.” Last time we each made an AK-47 and there was enough extra supplies that I got to take home a second AK-47 with me! Next meet-up we’re making pipe bombs. Tick Tick BOOM, haha! My mom still thinks we meet to do fantasy football which is little kid stuff compared to what I’ve got on my plate. I’m doing some grown-ass-human shit.
This Time It’s Purse-onal
That’s right I carry a purse and I am a man, you got a PROBLEM? Inside it is my manifesto—that one I created with two comrades I met while in an early campaign of COD: Black Ops 3—as well as extra ammo for my boyfriend’s small range rifle which we use to shoot holes into old pig carcasses for practice for the real thing (I’ll let you fill in the blanks cuz I don’t want the NSA to read it here). That’s right I have a live-in boyfriend, is that not OKAY WITH YOU? If you’re a faggot who doesn’t like gay people, I will shoot you!
Cecile Get Your Gun
The only thing I love more than musicals is rifles. It’s me and my rimfire, centerfire, and assault rifles against the world! I’ll use ‘em against anything! I open my diet cherry colas by shootin the tops off em. Watch me. Watch me do it. Now watch me let the soda spill out over the sides of my mouth as I drink it. No one gonna take my cherry diet colas!
Crazy For Capsules of Water
I’ve emptied all of the contents of my medication pill capsules, flushed that into the toilet (SORRY FISHIES) and refilled the capsules with water. When the government cuts off all clean water supply, I plan on splashing the small capsules into my eyes and hydrating that way.
Beans Beans, Our Nation’s New Currency
Once I’ve decided to split, whatever the reason may be, good or bad, don’t expect me to buy into the “government’s” “concept” of “money.” What’s that Auntie Cecile is going to use to buy your Christmas presents and then ship them to you from an undisclosed location? Beans! Beans are my new currency and give me a month alone in my hide-out shelter and they’ll be my new God, too!