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January 09, 2017

You jus' mess with me and watch out.

(Reader’s Note: This is a letter I received from a Firearms Association of National Allied Tea-Party Incorporated Conglomerate (FANATIC) member named Billy Bob Lee Harvey John Wayne Gacy Butler).

Dear Left-Wing Traitor:I am five-foot-three, 140 pounds.My gun is who I am. Love me. Love my gun. I R a patriot. I live where real Amer-cuns live. I be a member of the association. We carry the Bible and our guns. We wear armbands with the gun association on ‘em. Many of us are rural gas station and Wal Mart attendants, real Ameri-cuns, the working class, the backbone of the country. Not some bunch of lily-livered limp wrist homos. Love me love my gun. I’m oiling my gun, waiting fer’ the day when weez’ gonna take back our coun-try. When I get up in the morning, I thank God he made me a white man, not some socialist jig-a-boo communist toe-sucking homo. Not some left-wing sissy whining momma’s-boy college-educated immigrant bastard. You get in my way and I’ll kill ya.‘ That’s what a Republic should be. Not this here Demo-crappy (Democracy) all them homos and darkies and traitors been coming over here to infect it been sayin.’ Love my gun. My gun I keep on the wall in a-place-o honor. I take it off the wall and keep it next to me in my bed. My gun is unregistered. You try to take my gun away an I’ll kill ya.‘I have a gun in my bathroom. I have a gun mounted on the wall. I have a gun in my car. They’re all fully loaded automatics rapid fire. They'ze all fire steel-jacketed, armor piercing, tracer glow-in-the-dark rounds. I need it to hunt deer and pro-tec us from———whoever. I have a gun on an alter that I pray to 'cause that’s what made America great. I can shoot my own shoes off without nickin’ the skin if I need to, or part the hair on a sparrow at 300 yards. We’re gonna have us a meetin’ where we talk about how to git back at them communist socialist bastard elected officials who don’t think our way and their immigrant homo friends. Tryin’ to socialize us and force us to do health care and abortions and such and we know how to make threatening phone calls to their wives and children. How to dump nails in their driveway. Or worse! If that don’t scare em off, we have other means. Love me. Love my gun. Kiss my gun. Any real man huntz with a gun. Any real American man like that guy who luved guns and was in that movie where he wuz’ the old Jew-boy with the beard(Charlton Heston as Moses). Weez’ related to the founders of this country who shot the sh.‘t outta the Indians, who made our God the God over em and cleared the land and made it work. And then them foreign traitors come over here and try and take it away. And people of minorities and lesbians who get uppity and don’t know their place start whining and the political sonsofbitches left-wing traitors like Kennedy and Roosevelt suck up to 'em. Not me. They can kiss my ass. Love me. Love my gun. I be a pat-riot, and I’m proud of it. I jus’ love to polish my gun and to hold it in my hands because the day of reckoning iz-a-comin.‘I have an unregistered fully loaded fully automatic M-16 rifle and a 1970s LAW rocket launcher with high-explosive rounds. I need 'em to hunt deer with.You mess with me and I’ll kill ya.’ If they keep a-lectin’ them traitor f*ggots then we in the association will meet and think about ways we kin’ take our country back. A country where a white man and woman can walk safe down the street. You’re safer ‘cause I have my guns. In fact, the Constitution guran-tees me the right to have a fully loaded 155-millimeter howitzer with armor piercing shells if I cun git one. They'z expensive.I have my gun. I love my gun. To arms! To arms! You jus’ watch what we do. Love me. Love my gun.