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August 15, 2016
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The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

We’re back in Paradise, though it can hardly be called that now that Mad Chad seems to be officially gone from our Bachelor lives. They should definitely do a reunion show for BIP. After The Final Sandy Dick. I’m available for creative consulting.

Josh has an intro which is him kicking a soccer ball so it now appears that Nick is getting hit by Josh’s ball, a deep and impactful metaphor for their rivalry. My new favorite remaining character, sweet Damn Daniel, counts his abs upon waking.

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One, two, three, four, ya know, five, six eh?

Vile Nick Viall helplessly looks on as Josh and Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda suck face right next to him. Vile Nick Viall: “It’s like we never went out… Josh is trying to irritate me.”

I don’t REALLY get off raising another man’s two children but watching Nick cry is definitely causing never-before-seen pants explosions.

Damn Daniel loves this tension, as one of the “twisted people that enjoy that sort of thing.”

I mean, it’s nothing like maple syrup drizzling down my glowing package, but it’ll do!

Christian Joins Paradise

Beautiful, freakishly upbeat Christian tries and fails to whistle as he comes in.

Only true evil can pull off the whistle in Paradise though.

“His guys” fill him in on the lady situashe. Josh re: Amanda: “I don’t think you’re going to get that far. Just looking out for you.”

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Really, I’m just looking out for you, broseph. You’re not going to get that far with Amanda. I wouldn’t want you to be trying things and then an unfortunate off-camera beach accident involving Andi Dorfman’s book rendered you paralyzed. Or whatevs.

Christian grabs Sarah and Damn Daniel lingers awkwardly.

Oh I was just looking for coconuts, ya know! Don’t mind me. Nope, no coconuts here eh?

Sarah is very casual about her romantic situation to Christian despite Daniel lurking nearby: “I’m just hanging out, taking it one day at a time.”

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I’m just kinda chillin, seeing what new d falls into me each day, ya know?

Christian invites her on the date, and Sarah being a straight CHILLER acquiesces.

The Next Day…

Carly continues to bitch to people about Dick Pastor Evan. She says his hands were “all over [her] body” during their 90-second spicy kiss from Hell.

Just imagine for a second, yourself, covered in one million tiny limp dicks.

Carly: “Evan gives me erectile dysfunction. He’s not concentrating on a lady boner.”

We see an image of a DEAD FISH.

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Limp Dick Pastor Evan’s romantic pursuits incarnate.

Carly gathers the courage to tell the man she’s REPULSED BY that she just wants to be friends.

I *did* tell Bachelor Nation that I threw up from kissing you so not *positive* you’ll still want to be my friend but…

Dick Pastor Evan freezes his face to try to hide his emotions.

Oh, yeah, cool. No, me too. Totes.

Evan starts crying. Jared to Carly: “You guys went on a date and you threw up. I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

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#JustJaredThoughts

Later, Jared, Daniel, and Christian do a fun sexual sunscreen line.

Dick Pastor Evan continuously cries in his bed. Imagine if this was your father.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Should I end it now or should I try again?”

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Hand, should I throw myself into the ocean? Or is there another chance for love?

Christian’s Date with Sarah

Of COURSE they make Sarah do the most physically strenuous date activities. I remember them making her climb up a giant bridge once and making her participate in an aggressive roller skating derby. Considering ALL the other dates haven’t had physical challenges, it’s bullshit.

I didn’t want a romantic candlelit dinner or a calm boat ride anyway. I choose arduous physical challenges that draw attention to my weaknesses any day!

Christian is extremely joyous like a lil puppy the whole date.

They make out.

Someone Named Brandon Joins Paradise

If I don’t remember who someone is from a previous Bachelor season, that means they are EXTREMELY forgettable. So is the case with the new guy, Brandon from Des’s season. When Lord Harrison greets him, he too is not convinced Brandon was on the show.

Yep, yep, I was there. You don’t remember Night 1 saying “Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose please say your goodbyes”? It was a big moment for me…

Carly sets her sights on Brandon.

So far he hasn’t made me throw up and that’s also good.

Forgettable Brandon interviews both Carly and Twin Haley and picks Twin Haley for the date. Twin Emily is so excited about this and Amanda “being practically engaged” that she gets completely shit-faced.

Twin Emily: “I’m not gonna fuck Jorge.”

Apparently she’s only had one beer and she is on the verge of tears.

Twin Emily: “Do you think Jared likes me? I’m glad he’s not here right now. I don’t want him to see me like this.” Sure enough, Jared comes over.

Twin Emily: “I’m pretty tight, right?” Then she collapses laughing.

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I’m pretty tight, right? Get it? Do you get that I’m a garbage person yet, JARED???

Twin Emily’s true evil personality is coming out. Christian and Sarah come back glowing from their date. Damn Daniel is sad because he’s been sitting there with “[his] dick in [his] hand.”

Damn Daniel sets up a special date spot with champagne and strawberries for Sarah to try to win her back.

Damn Daniel goes hard in the paint and admits to Sarah that he was jealous of her going out with Christian but that he’s also happy because it made him realize he cared about her. He also jokes about having Zika virus.

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Sarah eats it up.

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Aw! You didn’t realize you liked me until there was competition for me! How sweet and mature!

Meanwhile, the Twins Producers have set up a scenario for the date with Brandon in which they will SWITCH places halfway through the date to see if he notices. They did this on Big Brother where it kind of made sense but this is just absurd. It’s not like he’s known Twin Haley for longer than 20 minutes, they’re identical twins, they switch outfits, and it’s ridiculously paranoid to go into a date with the mindset that that would even be a possibility.

Brandon seems like a total dud and talks all about how he’s never had this much chemistry with someone, not realizing that it was two different people.

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I’ve like, never had this much chemistry with someone. Chemistry is the thing when you’re mildly excited there’s boobs near you, right?

Twin Emily should not go into acting. It doesn’t matter though because Brandon is completely clueless.

Back in Paradise, someone has set up the couples in a make out line. Lace tries to get everyone to call them the “Sexy Six.”

Another producer has somehow convinced Dick Pastor Evan to stop crying for one second and to ASK OUT SEXY-BABY-VOICED AMANDA. Great idea Evan. Yes, definitely do that.

He mentally prepares for this suicide mission.

You can do this Dick Pastor Evan! You’ve made the limpest dicks in the universe hard, this should be nothing!!

He makes his own date card, carries two wine glasses, and LITERALLY STOPS JOSH AND AMANDA MID-MAKE OUT.

We’re left with that cliffhanger. When the HELL is Mad Chad coming back?!?!

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1

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