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February 28, 2015
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Description

Brian Williams's Resume

Brian Williams

123 Pinocchio Street
Atlantis, Lost City
bwilliams@pantsonfire.com


Experience

NBC Nightly News
New York, NY — 2004-???

I accurately report today’s top stories, both international and domestic, to approximately 10 million viewers each week. During my tenure I’ve consistently clinched the number one ratings spot for an evening news program. An accomplishment largely owed to my constant pursuit of truth and dedication to journalistic integrity.

Deep-Core Oil Driller
Houston, TX — 2000-2004

Oversaw a small team in the extraction of petroleum from offshore sites. Monitored rig activity, ensured crew safety and enforced protocols. Successfully assisted NASA in a mission to divert the trajectory of a large meteorite, effectively sparing the planet from an extinction level catastrophe. Tragically, I died.

Custodian
Boston, MA—1993-2000

Emptied classroom recycling bins, wiped chalkboards and restocked bathrooms as needed. Swept floors in a timely manner and kept the janitorial closet organized. During downtime I solved sophisticated graduate level math proofs if they were laying around.

Indentured Servant
Bayou Boeuf, LA—1981-1993

Entry level position on a large plantation. Tilled soil from sun up to sun down. Planted crops, with a focus on tobacco and cotton. Met daily harvest quotas despite less than desirable work conditions. Left after twelve years to pursue other ventures.

Education

George Washington University
1977-1981

Rydell High
1973-1977

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
1969-1973

Skills

  • Fluent in the major Romance languages: Spanish, Italian, French, etc.
  • Fluent in the major Un-romantic languages: Russian, Arabic, Dothraki
  • Resurrection
  • Lick my elbow
  • Can use an entire ChapStick without losing it
  • I see dead people
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