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September 30, 2015

What's going on with these Hollywood celebs? I always thought you were supposed to keep it lean when you're on the screen, but I guess not. Take a look!

January Jones


January Jones. Mad Man? Or Fat Woman?

January used to be so thin and pretty. Now she looks like a big fat Betty (Draper, I mean). I only saw the first season of Mad Men, but something tells me Betty Draper must’ve died or been killed off soon after because an inch on the waistline is a pinch on the bottom line (the TV bottom line, I mean). Sad to see a lady with everything going for her eating EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!

Ryan Reynolds


Ryan Reynolds. Who would’ve thought the star of Van Wilder would become a Van himself!

Oh how far the funny muscle man has fallen. I guess we know why Alanis Morissette dumped him: Irreconcilable Meal Choices! I haven’t seen the trailer for Deadpool, but I hope they retitle it FED FOOL, because nobody wants to see an obese superhero, especially yours truly!

Courtney Cox


More like Chutney Cox!

Well, it seems our Friend Mrs. Cox has been busy chowing down on too much lox! Ever since Friends was cancelled, I guess she’s been eating her feelings. And that’s a bad thing because if she ever wants to be on TV again, the camera’s gonna add 10 pounds, BUT YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO FIT THROUGH THE DAMN STUDIO DOOR FIRST!

Gwyneth Paltrow


Pepper Pots needs to lay off the pepper!

Hey Gwyneth, is GOOP the name of your website? Or the name of your breakfast! But seriously, ever since Shakespeare In Love, I’ve wondered where the beautiful, thin Gwyneth has gone. Well it looks like she went to Sizzler and never left. COME BACK TO US GWYN! But go on a diet first, please!

Tim Allen


Cover your face with that white beard all you want, Tim. It won’t hide that chubby mug!

This former Home Improvement hunk needs to focus on improving his temple (his body)! How’s a guy famous for being such a hunk turn into such a lunk? I’ll never know. But I do know with those cheeks and that hair, Tim would make a convincing mall Santa! Ho-Ho-Hoooooollld the mayo, Tim!!

Jiminy Glick


Jiminy Glick. I hope he’s calling a Jiminy GYM!

Jiminy Glick has always been my favorite celebrity interviewer. You may say, “He’s always been a little heavy” but now he’s downright HUGE! I’ve seen beached whales on coastlines with smaller waistlines. Well, here’s hoping Jiminy SLIMinies down so we can have more Primetime Glick!

Fat Bastard


Put a shirt on, wouldja?

Not to be bombastic, but this Scottish superstar seems like he might EXPLODE at any moment! I’ve seen bagpipes less inflated than Fat Bastard. Seriously, he’s gotta start thinking about his health, cause he ain’t gettin’ any younger. But he should start gettin’ THINNER, like yesterday. My advice: Lay off the porridge and kippers, not to mention the pub beer!

Eddie Murphy’s Family


The Murphy family is starting to look like a bunch of lumps!

Not only would I like to see Eddie Murphy get back to his RAW standup roots, I’d like to see him get back to eating a diet of RAW fruits and vegetables. I mean, this guy has really let himself go! And it isn’t just Eddie, it’s his whole family! His wife, brother, and elderly grandparents appear to be one BIG happy family. But if Eddie ever wants to take over Hollywood again, he’s gonna need to take over a gym! It’s called 24 Hour Fitness, Eddie, not 24 Hour French Fries!

Well, that’s my roundup of heavy celebrities. Hopefully they’ll take my advice so they can get back into showbiz!