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March 30, 2015

When exactly did Morgan become a Jedi Ninja Turtle? Nine of the most ridiculous things from last night's season finale of The Walking Dead: S05E16 Conquer

1) Worst Brunch Ever

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If you want to casually join a stranger for a meal in the woods, definitely do it with a gun drawn and a dirty “W” on your forehead to set a chill vibe. This conversation sounded like two broken radios talking to each other. One of them is being way too creepy and the other is being way too calm. I thought they would’ve hit it off over one thing in particular.

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“We have traps…”

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“Did we just become best friends?”

Oh well! Maybe they can still bond over other common interests. Or not. Probably better just to woods fight.

2) Morganatello

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I missed the episode where Morgan becomes a Jedi Ninja Turtle. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching someone spin a broomstick into faces as much as the next guy, but this seemed to come out of nowhere. And he spends most of the fight just looking at the ground? Good for you, Morgan. Glad you found a hobby on the road. You’re only slightly less crazy than you used to be.

3) Nobody’s Perfect

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Look, Rick is just a guy. He’s just a man! That’s why he shrugs it off when he wakes up in a makeshift jail cell after waving a gun around at a town full of frightened innocents. “I screwed up!” Pretty big whoopsies, Rick. You didn’t leave your headlights on overnight or forget to pick Carl up from zombie soccer practice.

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“You keep talking like a bitch, I’m going to smack you like a bitch.”

But it’s fine, because he definitely learned from his past mistakes and is ready to make it work here. That’s why he instantly creates a new plan to take the leaders hostage and maybe murder them.

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“When I whistle, just go bananas and stab the person next to you.”

It’s a new leaf for Rick Grimes! A new leaf that looks exactly like the old one, but with knives instead of guns until they can get their hands on guns. Then it’s more or less the same leaf.

4) Sasha’s Nap Time

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Yeah, this seems like a reasonable place to take a nap. Hey, remember when Huell found a reasonable place to take a nap in season five of Breaking Bad?

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Breaking Bad is its own separate show; there’s really no need to compare the two in these recaps.

5) How Did They Not Hear 500 Walkers?

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I am by no means an expert survivalist in the zombie apocalypse, but even I took one look at the cans dangling off a bunch of eerily abandoned food trucks and was like, “Yes, that is 100% a trap.”

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Totally normal thing you see all the time.

And HOW DID THEY NOT HEAR THE MANY WALKERS INSIDE? How is such a thing possible? It’s not. It’s impossible. Maybe tap on doors before you open them? Or break out Aaron’s goofy satellite mic and scope things out from a block away? You’re better than that, guys. I guess the zombies were just tired in there from all their fun dance parties.

6) Triple Chain Kill

This was really good. Arguably the best thing ever in the history of televised chain-based decapitations. If Daryl starts carrying around a chain with his crossbow for maximum kills that require zero new ammunition, I’m all for that. And how about Aaron’s license plate kill right before it?

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Awesome. I will never talk shit about collecting license plates again, because apparently it’s a totally badass hobby that might save your life one day.

7) Casserole Drop

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Pete, she said she wanted the dish back clean when you’re done! Now it’s all over the floor. Pete, you just made a mess in your brand-new not your house. But seriously, folks, it was fun seeing Carol work Pete up just so he could completely blow it at the meeting later that night. Carol is a real boss lady. Also, I bet that casserole was delicious. Probably full of chocolate. What a waste.

8) White Shirt Still Clean

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White shirts don’t stay clean for long. They’re like magnets for various sauces and debris. How Father Gabriel managed to bludgeon two zombies to death with a rock and come back in a factory-fresh shirt is beyond me. Maybe he does have God on his side after all.

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And way to leave the gate open, Father! You had one job! This dude is not to be trusted when it comes to doors and zombies. He pretty much blows it every time.

9) That’s How You Make An Entrance

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Rick’s method of proving he’s not crazy by showing up to the meeting covered in blood with a walker corpse was certainly a gamble. But it paid off! Sort of. I mean, he got a pass to stay and the green light to regulate via headshots again, so I guess that’s a win. The Ricktatorship is back, you guys! But did he really have to shoot Pete in front of Morgan? That was sad. You could just tell it bummed Morgan out. It’s like seeing your teacher outside of school, and they’re at the supermarket in sweatpants and a dirty shirt, and all they’re buying is Jack Daniels and toilet paper. That’s all for season five! See you in seven months! Or maybe sooner if the spinoff series happens to be half as ridiculous as the original.