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February 01, 2018

Everyone know Judaism has a period where young men and women are ceremoniously inducted into adulthood. Their rituals are known as Bar/Bat Mitzva. What society does not know is that Gentile, Rural and redneck America also has a "coming of age' ritual, where sons and daughters are passed into adulthood mirroring their Hebrew counter parts. The ritual of Bar Mitzva means "Son/Daughter of Commandment." The Gentile version is known as "Son of a Bitch" (for girls it is just Bitch). We thought we would introduce this phenomenon by comparing and contrasting elements from both.

Bar/Bat Mitzva “Son/Daughter of Commandment”

(1) Meticulous study and memorization

of portions of Torah (Brachot-speak

Maftir-read and the Haftarah, d, var

Torah also “The calling up on the

1st Sabbath of the 13th birthday”)

(2) “The Se'udah” (celebratory feast where

child is honored)

(3) Lavish parties

(4) Gifts: books with religious value,

religious items, writing implements

and monetary items

(5) Completing a Tzedakeh (event to

raise money for a charity of the

Bar Mitzva’s choice)

(6) Family of the Bar Mitzva often

honored with an “Aliyah” i.e.

calling family up to podium.

Torah is passed from grandfather/Mother

to father/mother to 13 year old

Gentile “Son of a Bitch”/“Bitch”

(1) Dad taking you to the lake to teach you how to vomit out of the boat after your first beer and chew. Also, memorization of who Miss March, April, July and October are.

(2) Large feast of more beer, refer, tobacco dip, catfish and pheasant ( where child is honored when dad tells him he was arrested and that son could do no worse).

(3) Party: calling your uncle, aunts, a few cousins, sisters and brothers-getting together and smoking weed and passing out by the campfire

(4) Charity event: “Getting mad at a nearby driver and throwing loose change from parent’s console through their window”

(5) Gifts: one year subscription to “Penthouse,” empty promise that you’ll go to ‘Vegas soon, skoal, contraception (girls) and a fake I.D.

(6) Family honored with court hearing where they are called in front of judge one month later to describe assault and disorderly conduct charge. Shame is passed from grandfather to father to son (also grandmother to mother to daughter).

Lenny (Masterbaitman & Chum Marker Chief) Quint’s Charter Service