1) Bed Company
Times are tough. Remember the good days, back when there were plenty of bedside apples to go around? WE GOT NO MORE BED APPLES, FOLKS. And it’s tearing this happy couple apart! I don’t know a ton about successful relationships except how to not have them, but I’m pretty sure it’s a bad sign when you start hiding your fireplace rifles from your significant other.
Oh, yeah! Rick has a baby. Forgot all about you, Christinatha! Nice to see you on this show again.
2) Enemy At The Gate
Negan’s silhouette is a lot more terrifying than his revealed posture. He should do all his menacing as a silhouette! Hot diggity dog, time to see if this camera’s zoom feature works!
ZOOM? CHECK. Because nothing immerses me in a show more than reminding me the camera’s there. Dwight, I get just following orders and fitting in with your gang, but you’re being a real wiener about all of this. Pouring out perfectly good water and looking under hats? Go get a job working security at a music festival if you want to pull that crap.
3) Michonne Needs To Go Back To Gun School
Michonne needs to Pokemon Go to gun school because she can’t shoot for beans. She spent too much time on her sword skills! Maybe throw the sword? Yeah, that’s it. Throw the sword, Michonne. Way better plan than the bullet charity you’re currently running for woodland creatures.
4) One Night In Alexandria
Guys. This video is NOT what it looks like. Rick was young! He needed the money for stuff and things. Hey, remember when I asked who would ever watch these videotapes back in season 5? WE FINALLY GOT OUR ANSWER. I’ve been writing these for almost two years and don’t totally know what I’m doing with my life.
AHH! Holy moses, really crept up on us there! Forgot this show has a priest, nice to see you, Father Raphael.
5) Grave Danger
If you think a little thing like Maggie being dead and buried is going to stop Negan from digging her corpse up and banging her like a drum, you must have him confused. What’s the team’s end game here? Because eventually Negan is going to find out Maggie’s not in that hole. Half of her baby belongs to Negan now! Maybe they can do a reverse She’s All That? Put her hair up, throw some glasses and overalls on her and call it a wrap. “Oh, her? The one who looks like Maggie but not as hot for subjective reasons? That’s her less attractive sister Saggy. Yeah, I know. Weird name but it really fits her brand.”
6) Carl Still Needs A Haircut
Carl Grimes, the town’s most trusted medicine guard, continues his rich story arc of needing a haircut ever since his dad killed the husband of the one lady who cuts hair. Putting Carl in life threatening situations doesn’t work for me. The stakes couldn’t be lower. I just mumble, “Fucking do it already,” like I’m taking a constipated dog for a walk in the rain.
7) Broken Window & The Rocket Launcher Detective
Remember Rick’s thing about windows from season 5? This was a callback to that. I liked it a lot! But way more important, how did Negan know the rocket launcher they found is the one that blew up his crew? How did he even know a rocket launcher was involved? Everyone who could’ve told him any details about that story exploded. Wait, never mind, just answered my own question.
8) Lucille’s Guitar Riff
I guess every supervillain needs his theme music, but why does it sound like Korn is doing a soundcheck every time Negan mentions Lucille? It’s so
corny korny. No music would be better here, especially since this so starkly contrasts the show’s effective use of diegetic noise. Did I mention I went to college and got a useless media studies degree? I feel like I should mention that at least once in one of these.
9) Rick Grimes’ Sermon That Things And Stuff Have Changed
Gather ye faithful, Father Ricky G is in the house. And as it says in the scripture, “We are so boned right now. I’m seriously, you guys. Stop being childish and tell me where the gats be. Amen.” Kind of an odd place to have this talk when the town has a history of hiding random firearms in the church.
Neat, that girl made it out of the pantry. Nice to see you, Edith! Totally slipped my mind you were a part of this.
10) Rick’s House Interrogation
Rick, I don’t think flipping over a bookcase and waterboarding the couch is going to get you the gun answers you’re looking for. That couch will say anything to get you to stop! Also, I love Father Gabriel’s optimism to just trust that the guns will turn up in a Monopoly box or under a Space Jam DVD. Glad someone on this show FINALLY dug a hole for a good reason! And that reason was to not put anything inside of the hole. God damn, what a twist.
11) Green Balloons Are Back
Green Balloons, a fan favorite character from the comics maybe I don’t know I don’t read the comics you nerds, are back! This time they went with real balloons instead of the worst CGI balloons in the history of CGI and also balloons. Strong choice. This scene was GROSS and uncomfortable and has caused me to officially retire my joke about Carl trying to finger a moody girl in the woods. Mostly because I don’t want to be a creep like this guy. Also I reserve the right to still do that joke again. I’ll probably do it again, it’s a funny joke. I’m officially un-retiring it.
12) Negan Has No Ass
There must be some hilarious comedians back at the Savior Shack because Negan has laughed his ass off. My friend John suffers from a similar condition where his butt seems to be inverted, like the middle of an intermediate rock-climbing wall. I call it John Ass. Reader Dane pointed out on Twitter (I read all your tweets) that Negan is always leaning back when he talks. Think I figured it out, Dane! With zero ass, his back has no support and he’s constantly falling backwards. I didn’t go to med school, but that logic feels sound and without any major holes or flaws. Uh, you want something interesting, Negan? Black lady with a samurai sword carrying a dead deer on her back not interesting enough for you? Cool. On it. Eugene is going to figure out a way to hook up an N64 to a toaster oven. Then he’s going to cover the whole thing in maple syrup and confetti. We’re going full blown liberal arts major, it’s going to be interesting as shit.
13) “Nobody Died This Time” = New Standard For A Good Day
Nobody died this time! That’s how you know it was a good day. Makes sense, I use the same system for Coachella.
14) Negan Slipped His Dick Down Rick’s Throat
We are getting closer and closer to the day where my long running suggestion of a character on this show putting a gun in someone’s mouth and telling them to “suck it like a diiiiiiiiiiick” is a thing that happens. Do the writers read these? No. I don’t think anyone reads these. Sound off in the comments if you don’t read these even though you’re reading this right now. I read all your comments, btw. Feel like I should mention that at least once in one of these.
15) Rick’s Backwards Whisper Threat
Speak up, Rick! I don’t think Spencer can hear your threats when you’re whispering and also standing in the wrong direction. Andrew Lincoln is really gunning for the “Best Back Of Head Acting” Emmy, the competition is stiff but I’ve got a great feeling about his chances. It’s nice to see Rick is still Rick, even if he’s using some very Negan “repeat after me” leadership techniques. But seeing him strut around with an empty holster is sad. Put something in there, champ! Maybe a banana? That would be fun, put a banana in that bad boy and call it a wrap.
16) Rosita Bonita
Must’ve missed the episode where they raided Sephora to get Rosita her lipstick cache. Sephora is a weird place. Any time my friend Alex is near a Sephora, she needs to go inside to get something, even if she doesn’t know what it is. And there are millions of other Alexes out there constantly going into Sephoras for things they need but don’t know they need. How is that mathematically possible? What did all the Alexes do before Sephora existed? Did they still need the things they didn’t know they needed? There’s so much about this world I don’t understand and most of it involves Sephora.
17) First Fight
Jeez, times just got tougher. Remember the good days when they had beds but no apples? It was earlier today! NOW THEY GOT NO MORE BEDS, FOLKS. I really appreciated Rick’s speech about losing a friend. T-Dog is gone but not forgotten. Forever in our hearts, the one True Dog.
What was your first clue that Judith isn’t your kid, Rick? The fact that she’s not terrible and also doesn’t wear a stupid hat?
18) I Had To Use The Internet To Figure Out What The Hell I’m Looking At Here
I had to go on reddit to figure out what the hell I’m looking at here. And I wasn’t alone! My favorite comments were the people who thought maybe it was a UFO. That’s so cute some of you guys thought that. It’s the mattresses Negan took, by the way. Guess it’s true what they say, some men just want to watch mattresses burn. They’re going to get what’s coming to them any day now. A day in the year 2018 maybe I don’t know I don’t read the comics you nerds.Yes, I understand that burning mattresses is bad for the environment and wasteful (reddit had to explain this to me also) but you know what else is wasteful? Making me waste my time by going on reddit to figure out what this grey CGI mess is. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Dwight sign up for a bunch of credit cards in Daryl’s name? That appears to be where his identity theft scheme is going. Will Eugene have as much success with his bullet factory as he’s having with the Nintoaster 64 project? God help us if he doesn’t. Will Carl kill the green balloon creep? YOU KNOW IT! On the mid-quarter season two-part finale. In the year 2018. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E05 of The Walking Dead!
BONUS: Dave Chappelle’s Negan Skit From SNL
You’ve probably seen this already, but just in case you haven’t you really should. Because it’s the best.