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July 31, 2015
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Which planets are hot and which planets are not? Lemme give you the breakdown.

1. EARTH

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Oh baby, it doesn’t get any better than this.

Earth is absolutely, stunningly gorgeous. Green and Blue, oceans, mountains, astonishing diversity of plant and animal life. No planet is hotter than Earth- she’s in a league of her own.

2. SATURN

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The Princess of planets.

Saturn is so beautiful. Good size, good color, those graceful, iconic rings. Even the angle of the rings is alluring- it’s like Saturn’s bowing her head just a little bit- not only is she stunningly beautiful, she’s also modest and classy. The Grace Kelly of planets.

3. JUPITER

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All hail the Queen.

What a magnificent planet. Imposing size, one of the richest color schemes of any planet, and that trademark red spot. For absolute grandeur, you can’t beat Jupiter.

4. MARS

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You can’t resist his rugged charm.

Now we’re in the middle class of planet beauty. The hottest three planets can’t be disputed. But once you get to Mars, Uranus and Neptune, it really comes down to- what impresses you most? Do you like smooth, gassy surfaces or that rougher, rocky look? What’s the best color, red or blue?

I am not a fan of the rocky planets, and blue is prettier than red. But Mars still gets an edge because he’s got such a compelling storyline. Mars is familiar and endearing. Uranus and Neptune? Too remote. I don’t like my planets so far away, out in the vast emptiness of space. Frankly, it’s a turn off.

5. URANUS

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So Uranus, been to any good parties lately? No? Uh, ok…

Clean and blue, a perfect jewel. One slim, subtle, vertical ring to stand out in the crowd. But like I said- a little remote. Uranus doesn’t have much to say.

6. NEPTUNE

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One of these days, Neptune, someone’s gonna reach you…

Much like Uranus, Neptune is a beauty- smooth and blue. Not much personality though. No rings. And so, so far away. Neptune is pretty but she makes me a little sad.

7. PLUTO

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Aw look at this little guy! Ya gotta love him.

Most people don’t count Pluto, but that underdog credit just makes him that much more appealing. You gotta root for the little guy, even if you couldn’t pick him out of a moon lineup.

8. VENUS

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All sizzle, no steak.

Ironically enough, the planet named for Beauty is not a particularly pretty planet. Yellow, with not much going on on the surface (endless brown rocks? No thanks.) Maybe you like Venus if you’re into yellow, or if you like her proximity to Earth. Well, sorry- the ‘girl next door’ trope just doesn’t work if the girl next door is an overhyped rock.

9. MERCURY

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Ugh. Just, no.

This is the only definitely ugly planet in our solar system. Mercury’s just a hot rock, nothing memorable to his color or anything. He’s Pluto without a personality. Sorry, Mercury- you might be close to the Sun, but you are most definitely Not the hottest planet.

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