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July 13, 2017

Something is going down in the bathroom and it is noisy. Here's a guide to what is actually happening as well as how much danger you are in.

You’re at a coffee shop waiting to the use the bathroom. Someone’s been in there for what seems like 20 minutes. Since this is way too long for simply using the restroom, you put your ear to the door to hear what’s going on. Strange noises you’ve never even heard before are originating just beyond the door. What could possibly be going on in there? WHAT THE HELL is the person in that bathroom doing?? Well, here’s a comprised list of all the noises you’ll hear from a bathroom, and exactly what each one means.


This sound is similar to what you hear when opening a can of soda. If you hear this, you must be alert. This is almost definitely someone mixing different chemicals together. The question is: which chemicals and why? They might be mixing dichlorophenoxyacetic acid with trichlorophenoxyacetic acid - creating agent orange to engage in herbicidal warfare. But there is also a chance they are farting.


This will sound like jello being pushed through a rubber tube – not a good sign. Whoever is in the bathroom is about to start serious shit. They are, for sure, putting together a sticky bomb – an anti-tank hand grenade used by the British during the Second World War. It is conceivable that they are simply pooping, but you should never take any risks (ever). Leave immediately.


This noise will remind you of the act of filling a cup full of water - but know this sound is far more sinister. The person in the bathroom is pretty much absolutely checking the quality of the fuses used for creating an incendiary bomb. Outside chance, they are peeing - but for that long? Not likely. Whatever this person’s problem is, you want nothing to do with it. Don’t wait a second - get out of there.

Clink clink clink

Imagine a couple pieces of metal knocking into each other. If this noise is coming from the bathroom you are probably in trouble. In most situations, the person inside of the bathroom is assembling a small homemade firearm. The fact is: you are always surrounded by total psychopaths at all times. Get the fuck out of the area right away and never go back. Then again, they could be trying to flush the toilet - but with all the crazies around you that is truly unlikely.

Uuuuurrrckt POP

You will hear a suction style noise followed by a sudden high pitched pop. You are in mortal danger. Someone is doing some extreme surgical torture inside of the bathroom you are standing outside of. They are removing vital organs and searching for answers. If they don’t find the truth within the person they’ve abducted they will for sure come after you. Watch out! This is absolutely what is happening without question. Run - do not walk. Get the fuck out. It’s either this, which is totally what it is, or maybe they’re using a plunger.