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June 28, 2016
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The Catholic Church has a lot to apologize for. First up? Being boring.

Pope Francis announced in a press conference that the Catholic Church should apologize for it’s systemic discrimination against gay people (as well as other marginalized groups). This is a step in the right direction, but unfortunately full reconciliation will not be possible until the church apologizes for mass being so frigging boring all these years. I mean geeeeeeeeez.

The Catholic Church has had milleniums to work on an hour of material, maybe two hours tops. Yea, mass got a punch up session (Vatican II), but that was sixty years ago. Do they know how many James Bonds we’ve had since then? 5. Supermans? 7. Aunt Vivs? 2. If the notoriously intractable entertainment industry can keep apace of the changing times, so can the Catholic Church.

For starters: mass is too dang early. You know who likes getting up at 9 AM on a Sunday morning? NOBODY. All the brunch babies out there know tired lil’ mommies and daddies don’t get moving until eleven o’clock at the earliest. Just agree that mass starts noon or later. Done and done.

The next problem is monotony. Folks get in there and the whole thing is pretty much the same every week. Let’s get some variation, please–if Beyonce can drop an album unannounced, the church can drop a new mass for sure. At least switch up the track list. Maybe the homily before a gospel? Just something to think about.

Speaking of homilies: there are so many internet videos these days do we even needs a homily anymore? Just play some funny youtube stuff–like maybe a clip of a buncha baby giraffes when you’re talking about Noah or something. Eventually the church can even make their own vids (provided they get a handle on their unique comedic voice).

And hey, why do they save all that java and those glazed d-nuts for after mass? No one watches a whole movie and then buys an overpriced bucket of popcorn. How can congregants focus on eating the Body of Christ when they haven’t had their coffee? Talk about crucifixion.

confetti cannon.jpg

Just load the body of Christ into one of these puppies and say goodbye to long communion lines.

Here’s a few more ideas just off the cuff: fun costumes for altar servers, faster singing, shorter talking, move it from a church to somewhere fun like a pool with a water slide, get a DJ, Kiss of Peace = French Kiss of Peace, Michael Jackson covers, Pringles, skateboards.

Any of these things would finally be a step in the right direction for the notoriously backwards church. Hey ho, hey ho, those medieval rituals have got to go. Let’s start by making mass tolerable–then we can talk about your repeated injustices against those at the edges of mainstream society. Cuz that’s gonna take a while.

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