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February 10, 2015

This Valentine's Day, just accept that love is dead and ignore romance.

Valentine’s Day is here once again, and with it comes your opportunity for a romantic, sexy, blah, blah, blah, it doesn’t matter. Listen, you’re probably sick of this holiday by now. I know I am. I write this article every year, and every year it’s worthless. So let’s just get through this god-awful piece and pretend like we’re actually gonna do any of this dumb stuff. Here are however many tips I wound up writing that won’t help anybody do anything.

Set The Mood


Romance can’t begin without a little atmosphere. Dim the lights, put on a Miles Davis album, and oh my god I can’t even believe I’m writing this crap again. Seriously, we all hate this “holiday” and in 24 hours it won’t matter. You’ll both wake up and just be glad that once again this cursed day is 364 days away. So, light a candle or something. I’m sure that’ll cover up the fact that you’re both only in this because it’s comfortable. But just to continue this charade, here are six tips.

Dress Up


Sure it’s fun for him to see you dressed to the nines, but it’s also fun for you to wear something that makes you feel sexy and desired and I 100% hate myself for writing that. Jesus, I’m sorry. It’s like, we all know this is bullshit, right? You know what? Do whatever you want because it doesn’t matter. Just wear your sweatpants. Not even the Victoria’s Secret ones. The ones you took from an ex like seven years ago. Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

Dine In


Why go through all the trouble of getting a reservation at a crowded restaurant when you can enjoy each other’s company at home? Because you don’t have to cook at a restaurant, that’s why. Honestly, this is such a bad idea. Can you cook? Can either of you? No. But February rolls around and all of a sudden you think you’re going to turn into a tolerable Bobby Flay? You’re going to set off a smoke detector while she wears stupidly complicated underwear underneath a dress that she wishes she could return. Order Chinese food. Get fat, or fatter.

Rose Petals

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Perhaps the most romantic setting to make love is on a bed of roses. Did you notice I said “perhaps?” That’s because it isn’t. The petals are just there, stuck to your back sweat. Oh, and then you have to clean them up. You know what’s better than making love on rose petals? Not making love on rose petals. And while we’re at it, let’s stop calling it “making love.” Have sex on a bed, then go to sleep and try to forget this miserable day. By the way, the price of roses gets jacked up 400% on February 14th. Kill me.

Play A Sexy Game


Nope. Not even gonna write this one.

Write Love Letters

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Sometimes our words are the most romantic thing you can give … Sorry, my mind wandered to something less worthless. You’re not going to do this. Nobody is going to do this. I’ve written basically this same article for eight years in a row now. Christ, I went to school for journalism. I should be in Syria or something. But whatever. Write him a note that he’ll forget about and accidentally use as a coaster within the month.

Love is a beautiful flower that needs nourishment to grow. Without support and compassion, it will wither and— I just rolled by eyes so hard they could’ve powered a generator. Here’s the deal: The Pinterest-perfect day you want is a fantasy, and a shallow one at that. If you did a single thing from this article it would be too much. Just pick up some mediocre Thai food, choose a passable Netflix movie after 45 minutes of searching, and then have sex if you’re both still awake. Boom. There’s your Valentine’s Day. I’m positive love doesn’t exist.