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August 22, 2016

Step 1) Watch Stranger Things obviously

You know what they say: “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Of course, by “they” I’m referring to that one Macklemore song so take that however you will.

People sure do talk about this whole love thing a lot, though. From The Bible to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Tony speech to me talking about power naps to every single fucking country song in existence, life is an overcrowded and slightly uncomfortable college house party and everyone seems to be binge-drinking the love kool-aid. Oh, also you can’t leave because the Uber surge price is x45.

me after every uber

I get it, love seems cool from what I see from my Facebook friends’ photos. For those of us who haven’t experienced the feeling, the idea is a bit of a mystery, like Donald Trump’s hair. It’s like hearing about Stranger Things on Netflix: you’re vaguely familiar, but you don’t actually know what it’s about until you’ve experienced it. Butttt what about affection that doesn’t pan out long-term? What then, huh? Must we be forced to look to 90’s TV shows and Adele lyrics for comforting advice? Because my wifi just isn’t reliable enough to do that.


Seriously wtf

For a society that is so obsessed with romance, there is hardly any focus on the process of breaking up and the points thereafter. What is a healthy coping process? How soon should you move on? Is it normal to hold out hope? What spontaneous life decisions can you make without totally worrying your friends? For instance, should you buy an iguana? Obviously you should buy a fucking iguana. It’s an iguana!! They’re basically mini dinosaurs that won’t
eat you.
Breaking up can be a discouraging situation. Like listening to your coworker talk about their recent vacation. P.S. your vacation sounded super lame, Barb. Nobody particular enjoys it, but sometimes you simply have to do it.

Thankfully, with this simple 13 step guide you can learn how to cope with your new reality.

bye, past

13 Steps to Coping with a Breakup

1) Pretending not to care

Hey, is this a ‘T,’ ‘U,’ conversation? Because it’s V important. There are a lot of rules in life: Don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, don’t watch Fuller House ever. NONE are more important than this rule. Pretending you care about stuff is for squares/losers/Ryan Lochte. You know who cared about things? Albert Einstein, Socrates, Dumbledore. You know where they are now? Dead.

“Pretending you care about stuff is for squares/losers/Ryan Lochte.”

— Me

“Nice haha”- Ryan

2) Denial

Denial is like climate change, you need to accept that it’s real. Retweet to save a life.

3) Confusion (???)

This is the logical next phase after denial. Part of this phase is devoted to attempting to rationalize the situation, the other part is just telling yourself how good you are at Pokemon over and over until you feel better.

4) Spontaneous purchases

Tickets to Spain? A motorcycle? Costco-sized box of wheat thins? Dealer’s choice.

5) Memories

Now that you’ve accepted that there are other people that exist who are probably better than you, it’s fine to bask in the past for a bit. Go crazy! Think about that one time you did that one thing, or that other time with the stuff or that time you two ate food together.

6) Taylor Swift songs only

You know, the classsicccsss. I’m talking “Love Story,” “Our Song,” “22,” shit throw in some “Teardrops on My Guitar” I don’t give a fuck. As long as the T-Swift is cranked up to a modest all-the-way-up.

7) Overthinking everything

Like that scene in The Little Mermaid, but you’ll do it with french toast sticks and it will be sad and you’re weird c ya.

8) The Cure songs only

Ugh. You’re too happy now. That’s my bad. You’re living an alternate truth and that’s not healthy. Balance the positive vibes with some spine-chilling 80’s synth.

9) Avoiding foods that start with the first letter of your ex’s name

I know, obvious right? I probably didn’t even need to list this one. One time Amber and I ended things and I didn’t eat apples for six years. She’s in a Dixie Chicks cover band now and has been to jail.

10) Throw yourself into work

You’re there anyways, might as well use it as a distraction. How many hours are you currently working? 40? Oh so you’re basically unemployed. That’s adorable. Crank that up to, like, 110. Throw some professional development on top of that on weekends. Also go to grad school. Retake the SAT just for fun. Sleep under your desk. Start ordering all of your Amazon Prime packages to the office.

11) Pick up a bad TV show

It sucks but you’re going to do it. Whether it’s Criminal Minds, Two and A Half Men, Fox News, whatever, choose wisely (not Fuller House).

12) Fashion choice

Don’t be freaked out if you start wearing a turtleneck or two minimum per every 5 business days. You’re just trying new things and that’s natural.

13) Join the witness protection program

Well, nothing left to do now but get the eff out of there and change your name and entire life, leaving your past life behind for eternity. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? You’re Chumbawamba and this new life is your “Tubthumping.” Own it.


you hiding from your ex

In conclusion: Your relationship didn’t work out – it’s not the end of the world. It’s not like grilled cheese suddenly became illegal, or another Expendables movie is being made. Wait, what? Seriously, another one? Fuck, that sucks. Follow these steps and you’ll soon be moving on, like “Drake from Degrassi to rapper” moving on. That, or you two will get back together. Because life.

Happy dating!