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June 23, 2016
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The other contestants scramble to fill the void left by this season's villain's departure.

We pick up almost where we left off, with all the dudes celebrating Mad Chad’s theoretical departure from the show. “Cheers to good times!” “Chad-less baby!” James Taylor: “She did the right thing and Alex did his job and the world is right.” I want to live in James Taylor II’s world so badly. A-Ro-Bro fist-pumps the air and celebrates like he actually got drafted in professional football.

This feels almost as good as those 5,672 times girls banged me because they mistook me for my bro.

Wells: “Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to honor arguably the worst person anyone has ever met.” Wells confused the words worst with best AGAIN.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad has been eliminated by Alex, and there’s a huge load off of everybody’s back, so we’re all kind of having a funeral. We’re taking a bunch of his protein powder that’s left over and spreading those protein ashes. I’m super happy. Sayonara, Chad.”

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A tub of protein supps with no heinous and obnoxiously rapey label? Not possible.

Wells: “Tonight we say goodbye to quite literally the shittiest person who has ever been on either ‘The Bachelor’ or ‘The Bachelorette’.” Wells, have you been watching since you were 12? Really feel like you can’t make that call. Juan Pablo is very arguably worse. Jake Pavelka is up there. Courtney who Ben F. picked. Bentley! Tierra of Tierra’s eyebrows? Singer Wes? Rated R? I WOULD say Chad’s the greatest character of all the seasons though. And what about the most underrated villain of them all, VILE NICK VIALL?
Wells: “Chad, farewell, sweet prince… Death to tyrants!” Then Wells punts the protein container into the forest. Wells is still my #1, obviously, but I’m really not into his littering and lack of appreciation for Mad Chad’s genius.

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It would be funny if this attracted real bears.

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “Chad was such a buzzkill. Like a dark cloud hovering over the house. See ya never, ever, ever, ever, ever again.” Um, until Men Tell All? I hate Robby and he shouldn’t be allowed to quote TSwift.

Mad Chad knocks on the door and drags his fingers down the glass. His sidekick Damn Daniel is the only one brave enough to open the door.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “Um, I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder or we’re all gonna be toast!”

Mad Chad explaining his breakup: “Um, apparently when it came down to like, each person’s different, like time to have a conversation with her, I guess [Alex] did the same damn thing he’s been doing, which is just talk about me the entire time.. I guess she thinks that I’m too intense or something. Honestly, like in the long run, if a girl doesn’t understand that like, you know, when a guy’s backed into a corner with 15, 20 guys coming at him, sometimes you have to do things that aren’t pretty.”

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Sometimes girls just don’t get how snitches get stitches either.

A-Ro-Bro: “I understand what it would be like to have a group of people not see things the way you see things. Let’s have an opportunity right here where we can say sorry if anything came off on our end as far as not understanding you, because that’s a difficult place for us, as well. So if you want to take this opportunity to be genuinely sorry, that would be great for all of us, moving on.”

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If you would like to take this opportunity to apologize for threatening to beat my ass after the show, I think that would be spectacular.

Silly A-Ro-Bro. Mad Chad will never give this to you: “Like I’ve said all along, I’m gonna say what I want to say when I want to say it. Looking back, I would still say the same damn things. And when you all attack me, there’s absolutely nothing that I can do. And the only thing that I could think of was literally to get physical… You all put me in a position where I had to say things that I wouldn’t normally say.”

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I think if you reflect on these incidents, you’ll see that how I acted is really on you guys.

A-Ro-Bro: “That’s just not true."Chad: "That is 100% true. And if you literally think that, you don’t have half a brain inside there.”

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Mad Chad knows A-Ro-Bro’s true weakness is his hair.

Mad Chad crushes A-Ro-Bro’s hand. A-Ro-Bro: “Chad, it was interesting getting to know you. And I’m sorry that you think that this is intimidating that you’re gripping my hand hard. I’m sorry that you can’t come to the point to be a man to apologize cause I was apologizing. I think all of us were apologizing for the fact that–”

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Get woke AF and this won’t feel like an intimidation tactic anymore, half-brain.

Mad Chad: “You were mad at me literally from the moment you saw me.
A-Ro-Bro: "I had no problem with you in the beginning. I don’t care that you work out by yourself.” Implying that all the guys do group work outs all together which we never see.

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I don’t even care that you work out by yourself, that you take a shit by yourself, or even that you jerk off by yourself. We chalked it up to you “loving alone time” or something.

“In the hot tub multiple times, when we asked you about your family–"Chad: ”–Working out by yourself is a thing?“ Mad Chad’s Canadian lunatic sidekick tries to avoid this confrontation by eating pasta quietly in the background.

I TOLD him to be less Hitler-like…

Dick Pastor Evan: “Do you have your wallet on you? You owe me a shirt.”

Mad Chad: “Are you that broke? I thought you owned dick companies?”

Robby: “Don’t turn to insults.”

A-Ro-Bro: “It’s worthless. Let’s go. Let’s enjoy the time, he’s not here anymore. You’re not here any more. All of us are still here. Have fun going home.”

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You’re not here anymore. Your protein powder’s not here anymore. This group is going to turn into a fucking tranquil oasis now.

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “You can only give somebody so many clear opportunities to be an adult and walk away from things cordial. I was expecting a reasonable action from a very unreasonable person, and frankly, unstable person.”

Chad twist dances around: “I’m out.” More whistling! NOOOOOOO he’s gone for real.

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Most heartbreaking exit of the season.

James Taylor uses a thousand jumbled metaphors to describe Marine Alex coming home: “The man, the myth, the legend. We’re gonna let him rescue our princess this one time. We would all like to be that guy who cuts off the dragon’s head, but today the cards fell in Alex’s hand.” Marine Alex comes in and the guys hoist him in the air and start chanting “Dragon slayer!” What is with all these misguided GOT references? The dragons are the protagonists and Jaime’s the king-slayer!

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “The house is ecstatic that Chad’s gone. Alex did everyone a favor. I think he’s gonna be America’s hero.” Yeah, no. They shove America’s hero’s face into a bunch of cupcakes arranged as a cake, you know, as you do when you slay a dragon/do awesome shit for America. Producers provided them with party hats and sparklers as well.

Here’s Marine Alex’s face right before the Chad-less cupcakes are smashed into his face.

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Def gonna need some new shorts for Marine Alex

They start chanting, “Slayer of the dragon!” again.

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ET TU, DAMN DANIEL?!?!

FUCK YES MAD CHAD IS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE!!!! MAD CHAD + VILE NICK VIALL = BEST SEASON OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE EVER. That’s just math.

Cocktail Party #1

Shit-stirrer Luke looks SO MUCH like an Anime character.

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Dragonball-Sleaze

Chase: “I stole some of the KnockerBalls.” He traps her in one with him. It’s insanely rapey.

Chase: “My relationship with Jojo at this point is incredibly comfortable.”

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SO COMFY!

Chase: “Looks like you’re gonna knock me off my feet.”

And that’s for the time you called me HoeJo!

Ex-Swimmer Robby then drags Jojo to the fountain to make a wish. Robby: “I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with you and I… like, a very intensely shiny object… 42 days from now.” GROSS. Robby then asks if he can have a kiss.

Chase: “Robby decided to take Jojo out by the fountain and kiss her in front of everybody. So the stress is definitely out there.”

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Ex-Swimmer Robby goes for a Breaststroke.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Now everybody’s kind of starting to look around like, ‘has he kissed her?’… Everybody’s kind of judging where each guy stands, so I think everybody’s a little bit nervous.”

Boxer James proceeds to read this gross poem he’s been keeping in his pockets for every date and rose ceremony. Jojo is crying???

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so is dat ass.

Luke interrupts Damn Daniel’s time with Jojo and he asks for “one more minute” and calls Luke “Mr. Rose over there.”
Damn Daniel’s confessional: “They say they’re great guys… and you’re pouncing on in my time, you know?”

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In Canada Mr. Rose wouldn’t be pouncin on my time ya know? He’d be like oh, of course, fellow Canuck, I respect ya, sorry for the kerfuffle, ya know?

Wells: “There was a wonderful thing about Chad. We all took for granted that we had a common enemy.”

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “The irony of Chad being gone and then these guys all of a sudden turning into mini-Chads is thick.” THE THICKEST IRONY.

Luke to Dick Pastor Evan: “I’m going for seconds if you don’t want to go.” This is a very upsetting way to talk about time with Jojo.

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “This is an interesting scenario tonight how the guys who are so compassionate for Jojo are all of a sudden cutthroat and willing to jump in front of me.”

Luke to Sensitive Derek: “I’m just saying– you got to take control at some point.”

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I’m going back for seconds. You want scraps, bro?

A-Ro-Bro forces Jojo against the wall right next to the other guys and attacks her face.

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “I know I have a rose so it wasn’t like, completely necessary for me to spend a ton of time with her, but I’m in it for me. Yeah, I mean, the guys were on the other side of the wall, but oops!”

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Oopsiedaisies! I did another slip-em-up!

Lord Harrison crashes the party.

If you haven’t made out by the time you hear this glass clink, good luck.

Jojo: “I do have some tough decisions to make so I’m going to go think about that, and I will see you all at rose.” Hope everything goes well at rose.

Rose Ceremony #1

Roses for Sensitive Derek, Ex-Swimmer Robby, Chase, Dark Horse Wells, Firefighter Grant, Barber Vinny—HOW, James Taylor II, and Dick Pastor Evan. It is absolutely shocking that Vinny and Evan are still here.

Goodbye Boxer James who sounds like Batman. Real lesson learned is never say a poem. Goodbye Damn Daniel. With Chad gone, you have no purpose here as his Canadian oddball sounding board.

Damn Daniel’s reaction to going home is fucking priceless and something I don’t think Bachelor Nation has ever heard before: “I just wasn’t the type of guy for her, and fair enough. She’s obviously going for personality and obviously my personality is shit.”

Such self-awareness!

Damn Daniel: “If this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance I would still be here. My body had nothing to do with this, ‘cause obviously she doesn’t care about that 'cause she’s picked guys like Evan and Wells, you know? Those guys aren’t on my level, bottom line. No one’s on my level. I know I’m a great catch. I’ve had more experiences than all these guys have combined. But there’s millions of people in the world, and you know, the chance of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning… while you know… shaving my face.”

Getting struck by lightning while shaving your face is technically THE most statistically improbable event.

Jojo: “I’m ready to take this international. I’m gonna take you guys somewhere exotic and romantic. MORE EXOTIC THAN NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA? SLIM FUCKING CHANCE, DUDE.

"We are headed south, to where South America’s most elite go to play. We are going to Punta del Este, Uruguay.” I hate the word play used like this. The guys lose their shit like they made it to The Merge in Survivor.

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James Taylor II: “We’re going to Uruguay. I don’t know where that is but it’s by Paraguay I think. It’s in South America I think. My mom taught geography when I was a kid, and I should know that. She’d be pissed. I don’t even care, I’m so happy!”

Vinny: “Oroguay, we’re coming baby. I’m so happy to go to South America with the future wife of mine.” Nooo fucking way dude.

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Uruguay shall be my biggest fire to conquer yet!

Uruguay

We see a map graphic of their journey from Nemacolin, PA to Punta del Este, Uruguay.

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Oooh THAT’S where South America is!

Jojo describes the Uruguayans as very friendly.

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Uruguayans are so friendly they will stop traffic to do unsolicited street performances.

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Jojo’s already made Uruguayan friends, two rocks with flowers resting on top of them.

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “Bienvenidos a Uruguay! We’re staying at a place called The Grand Hotel and it is grand.”

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It is grand! Do you get it?!

Dick Pastor Evan: “We’ve got a 360-degree view of the ocean, and it’s just breathtaking.” They absolutely do not. A-Ro-Bro gets the first one-on-one. Vinny: “Hair-flip number one.”

Dark Horse Wells: “Everyone considers Jordan the front-runner cause Jordan had a very strong relationship with her without even having a one-on-one… I think Jordan is playing the game to get another stamp on his passport.”

Barber Vinny has never seen binoculars before and tries to figure out how they work by pointing them at things in the room.

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Vinny searching for a chance to continue on this show for one more week despite being a standard night 1 cut.

Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “Not to stereotype just football players, but if there’s one person here that I would probably question more than anyone, it’s Jordan.” Marine Alex: “I’m not here to compete or compare myself to a guy like Jordan.”

Vinny: “Obviously, Jordan also had almost two football dates geared around him. So there’s a little twinkle in Jojo’s eye for Jordan.”

Date #1: One-on-One with A-Ro-Bro

On A-Ro-Bro’s date, he and Jojo boat naked to an island of seals. Jordan makes seal noises at the seals.

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Arrt arrt arrt! 10 bucks he’s done this gesture and barking noise to/about a group of girls before.

We haven’t seen the last of mad Marine Alex! Yes!
Marine Alex: “Jordan’s on a date. Cool. I bet they’re having a great time. And as scared as that makes me feel, I still trust that, her decision-making skills, is that everything’s gonna work out.”

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Just another shot of Jojo using her decision-making skillz hard.

In “Vinny’s Barber Shop”, the producers literally inject a plot point into the show for the first time ever by providing the guys with a gossip magazine about Jojo. They’re allowed ZERO contact with the outside world and this is incredibly blatant. Someone: “Vinny why you keeping these rumor mags in your shop?” Yeah, this was totally Vinny’s doing.

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Sensitive Derek reads aloud: “Jojo reunites with ex, then dumps him for ‘The Bachelorette’. Her jilted ex-boyfriend tells all to In Touch.” Marine Alex reads: “‘We were sneaking around the whole time 'The Bachelor’ was airing because she wasn’t allowed to be seen with me’… If she’s in love with him right now, then what are we doing here?”

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Butthurt from this scandalous news, for the first time this season the guys don’t cheer when their names are called on the group date list. Dick Pastor Evan goes off to do something weird with the photo of Jojo’s face.

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Meanwhile on the date, A-Ro-Bro keeps doing this buck toothed bunny look.
Jojo’s confessional: “I met a girl that used to date Jordan and I was told that he wasn’t the best boyfriend as far as relationships. So now that I feel myself falling for him, I want to know whether or not that rumor is true.”

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Jojo confronts A-Ro-Bro: “I actually met somebody that you used to date. She was in Dallas and this girl told me that you guys had dated and you kind of were off and on with her. You kind of blew her off. There was some trust stuff.”

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She kinda said you were a complete a-hole. Tell me to not believe it.

A-Ro-Bro: “That’s um.”

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That’s ummmbelievable!

A-Ro-Bro takes sip of his drink.

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Pina Colada, please give me the answers.

A-Ro-Bro: “It’s just, uh, interesting. Um, I don’t even know what to say there ‘cause–”

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What an interesting factoid you got there!

Jojo: “You told me earlier today that you were ready now…”
A-Ro-Bro: “Mmhmm–”

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Mmhmm… Yes, I did SAY that…

A-Ro-Bro, panicking, goes for his go-to move, grabbing his hair.

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MUST COIFFE HAIR! MUST RETURN TO HAPPY PLACE!!!

Jojo: “For something serious, like a marriage… but that you weren’t before."A-Ro-Bro: "Mmhmm.”
Jojo: “Why now?”
A-Ro-Bro blames football. A-Ro-Bro: “I’ll be the first one to admit that that was awful. And I wasn’t the best person all the time because of all that stuff.”
Jojo: “Was there cheating?”
A-Ro-Bro looks down: “No.” A-Ro-Bro licks his lips. BULLLLLLLSHIITTTTTTT!

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Would I be making THIS FACE if there was cheating?? Nah, brah.

Now A-Ro-Bro is biting his lip as Jojo says she wishes she could read his mind.

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Plz don’t read my mind.

A-Ro-Bro: “I’m really not thinking anything. I have nothing to hide and I’m gonna tell you that– like things, I was immature. And that– that’s where those trust issues come from, not physically cheating, but just being in an environment and enjoying talking to girls when I probably shouldn’t have been.” You know, how usually the story as reported back to the girlfriend is generally the exact full extent of it.

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All of this photo evidence is necessary.

A-Ro-Bro: “I remember something like, my pastor said growing up that like, still really stuck with me, that you know, ‘Don’t say you love somebody unless you are willing to put a ring on their finger.’”
Jojo: “That was the only girl that you said, ‘I love you’ to?
A-Ro-Bro: "Mmhmm. We talked about getting married and I wanted to spend my life with this girl, but I knew I wasn’t there… I know what kind of man I am now, and I know I’m not a cheater."So how was the pastor’s idiom relevant??

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As my pastor said, don’t trick girls into fucking you by saying you love them. Trick them by saying you’re Aaron Rodgers’s brother instead.

Jojo’s confessional: “I was so scared going into this conversation with Jordan, but now I’m not as scared anymore.” OH NO. JOJO BELIEVE A-RO-BRO NOT A CHEATER.

Jojo: “I didn’t want to hear something that would hurt me.”

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I didn’t want to hear something that would hurt me so I didn’t hear it!

Jojo gives A-Ro-Bro the rose.

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They see a group of people playing music and dancing in the street so they join in of course. A-Ro-Bro does a stupid dance. They stop dancing almost immediately and just start making out while surrounded by all the performers.

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They don’t dance for the tips, they do it to encircle true love.

Jojo Addresses Her Other-Ex-Chad

Jojo’s confessional: “I feel like if there’s anything to come with Jordan, him and I would be able to get through it. I mean, I just feel so happy. I don’t think anything could take away this feeling.” One of the producers takes this opportune moment to interrupt her. Producer: “I want to show this to you. Open it up.”
Jojo: “Ew, are you kidding me? Why are you showing me this?”

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Why are you showing me this? It’s like you’re trying to get an emotional reaction out of me for America’s pleasure?!

Producer: “So I think we need to address it. Guys have seen it.”
Jojo: “My guys?”
Producer: “Yeah.”

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Somehow I think “your guys” will forgive you.

Jojo’s confessional: “This makes me so fucking mad, because he does this. He does this to me. He’s just a shitty human being. I don’t get people like that. I don’t deserve that! I’ve been so good.”

Jojo: “Even when he was hurting I tried to be a good friend to him. He can’t just let someone be happy. If he’s not happy, he wants to take everyone down with him.”

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Jojo: “This is the shit I’m talking about. Coming onto last season was the best thing that could have happened for me because I realized I don’t deserve people like that in my life. And for him to say that I never really loved Ben, that pisses me the fuck off, because that probably was the truest form of love that I felt… It was a good love, and to be dragged back to that. That was such a terrible time in my life. I’m mad. I hate him.” I believe her.

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Jojo’s rock flower friends provide her little comfort during this trying time.

Jojo: “If I wanted to be with Chad, I would be with Chad. I just hope that they believe me.” Jojo goes to go tell her beaus.

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Jojo forgets shoes she’s so distressed.

Jojo explains to the guys: “This was somebody that brought me to a bad place in my relationship with him. I don’t ever want a single one of you guys to think that I’m faking this. I really care so much about you guys. I don’t want you to think for a second that there’s a reason for you to be worried. Or that you’re nervous that I’m not here for the right reasons.”

Robby: “Is this the guy that made you feel like an insecure person when you’re not?” I think the guy DID make her feel insecure Robby, ugh. Robby: “Then that’s not ok. Don’t be upset.” Fuck OFF Robby.

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Don’t be upset, human woman. Just stop up those tear ducts with something. You’re not pretty when you’re emotional so just stop…

Marine Alex has been waiting this entire conversation to finally get in his dig on the other Chad: “Whether it’s true or false, to talk about a private relationship in a public forum shows what kind of piece of shit that Chad is, also.”

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THAT CHAD ALSO SUCKS!!! MEANINGLESS CONNECTIONS!

Jojo: “I’m just so glad that I have moved on from such a negative, nasty thing and I’m here with people who are genuinely so good.”

We cut to two robed contestants getting pedicures and discussing the upcoming group-date rose. It’s shockingly Robby and A-Ro-Bro who don’t seem to care about their appearances at all.

A-Ro-Bro: “It’s a little windy. The weather’s not ideal. The weather is ideal for a spa day.”

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A-Ro-Bro eats the cucumber on his eye. He never would do that in a million years if he didn’t know he was on camera.

Look how light-hearted and youthful and likable I am! I should def be the next Bachelor ammiright America?

Date #2: Sand Group Date

The guys approach the sand dunes walking in a long horizontal line. They’re going sand-boarding.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “So I’m staring down this sand dune, and I’m like, ‘I’m gonna get another bloody nose today.”
Wells: “How much sand is in my face right now? A lot?”

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FIND ME.

Marine Alex does a flip trick for Jojo.

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Look Jojo! Will you love me now?

Sensitive Derek: “I hate to see some of these other people, who I haven’t seen with her in a group setting yet. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to see that. It freaking sucks.”

Ex-Swimmer Robby gets the one-on-one and does a terrible McConaughey impression: “All right, all right, all right!“

Robby’s confessional: “Dude, I got a datecard.”

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DUDE, THIS GUY gotta daterape. Daterape. Datecard.

Robby: “Tomorrow’s gonna be awesome. And America will see who’s in love with Jojo.” Finger guns at himself. He’s in love with Jojo? THIS IS HIS FIRST DATE WITH HER. AMERICA WILL DEF ONLY SEE A LUNATIC.

Back at group date drinks, Luke: “I just want to reassure her that some news article is really not something that I’m concerned with.” I just realized he’s definitely going to get a fantasy suites date with fireworks. I hope I’m wrong.

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Don’t worry about that article. I’ve killed people.

Luke continues to stir the pot even after Mad Chad has left. “Is it weird for you guys during like, the day portion of the group date? It’s like they get more and more just awkward for me. Everybody’s like, ‘Oh, let me help you step up on this rock. Let me fasten your shoe thing. Let me pull that stick out of your hair.”

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Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “Hearing everybody else talk about feeling the same that I was creates a lot of jealousy.” Derek is like Tom Hanks in BIG.

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Jojo: “Um, tonight I want to give this rose to somebody that I want to give some reassurance to.” She gives it to Derek.

Marine Alex’s confessional: “My mind has officially been blown. She literally said, ‘I’m gonna give you this rose for your reassurance.’ So, now I get to speculate that he told her that he needs validation. He’s an insecure little bitch… I don’t need a group-date rose to feel okay. That’s the difference between myself and Derek is I don’t want the pity rose.”

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Date #3: One-on-one with Robby

Jojo begins this date by playing hide and seek around buried statue fingers with a wild street dog?? Whose dog is this??

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Rabies!! EEK!!!

Jojo: “I love dogs… When I’m with Robby it’s kind of like that puppy love that you know could turn into something so real.” Ah, so that’s how it relates.

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Same emotional intelligence as Robby too. Wait, that was kinda mean to the dog.

Jojo tells Robby he looks like Ryan Gosling out of the notebook.

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No.

A man asks them: “Casado?” Robby says, “Soon. Posible. Very posible.”

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Back at the house, the guys are doing rose math.
Marine Alex: “I’m going to be upset if I go home when Derek received himself a pity rose.”

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If I don’t get a rose I’m going to receive myself his head on a platter.

On the date, Robby talks about how he’s ready to tell Jojo he loves her. WEEK 4, DUDE. It would be really funny if he pushed her off these cliffs.

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Ugh, the patriarchy.

Jojo: “Robby is this spontaneous crazy one where this is just the tip of who he is.”

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Just the tip of his flamboyant swimsuit collection as well.

Meanwhile at the hotel, Chase and Marine Alex interrogate Sensitive Derek on why he got the group date rose. Marine Alex should keep the facial hair, side note. Chase: “What do you think you did to get that rose from Jojo?

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For real, I mean you didn’t even do a backflip dude.

Sensitive Derek: “I don’t think that there was anything– um any magic words that I said.”

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Unless you count please, please, pretty pleaseeeeee…

Chase: “So she said, ‘I want to give this to someone who needs some reassurance.’ To me I’m thinking OK, Derek went in there saying, ‘I don’t know if you like me enough.’”
Sensitive Derek: “I didn’t say any of that.”
Marine Alex: “She could have been like, ‘I want to give this guy a rose because I just like him a lot, and now I want to give him a rose. But instead, she chose to say stuff about reassurance. Like, that sits well with you?”
Derek: “Yeah it does.”

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That sits well with you? The most shameful rose-giving of all time?

Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “Lately, it feels too much like a frat house to me. Chad’s gone, and now I’m a little bit bothered by the fact that we have this little, like, mean girls’ clique. I’m just not that like, fraternity kind of guy.”

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Lately it’s too much like a frat house. I wake up with body parts glued to other body parts. They made me do something called “the elephant walk”?

Sensitive Derek: “I just don’t know how I can show you that."Marine Alex: "You don’t need to prove anything to me. We don’t go around picking fights with people. I think he needs reassurance.” Alex and Chase laugh maniacally.
Derek: “You know, that– that specific word can maybe make me appear weak. I mean, I think that’s what you’re trying to say.”

Marine Alex: “I’m not saying that you’re weak. What I’m saying is, it’s almost too good. No matter what you think and whatever rose is on your lapel, there are men here that are moving forward.”

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I’m not saying you’re weak. I’m just saying you lack physical and emotional power and you easily fold under pressure.

Back in downtown Punta, Ex-Swimmer Robby tells Jojo about how his friend drove off a bridge last year. He blames him dumping his girlfriend and going on the show on his dead friend. Then… “I’ve fallen in love with you Jojo.”

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I’ve fallen in love with you Jojo. Love is the one where exciting stuff happens in your down-there-parts, right?

Jojo: “Thank you so much.” It’s week 4. My friend sums up their first date the best: “Best first date ever. ‘My friend died, I broke up with my girlfriend, and I love you.’”

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Thank… you? Wait were you the wood-burning-tub makeout or the pool-table makeout?

Ex-Swimmer-Robby: “Love is a mutual thing. It’s a force that pulls two bodies together. And I think that if it’s there on one side, it’s there on the other.” If I’m feeling it you must be feeling it.

In Robby’s confessional, he screams Tom-Cruise-style: “I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in love!!!”

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I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in love! No, I will not stop jumping on this couch Oprah!

Cocktail Party #2?

The guys walk in the pouring rain toward the cocktail party.

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I just noticed that they’ve assigned seating on the couches via the dudes’ drinks.

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Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “I have a rose on my lapel but Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan have been ganging up on me. They created some mean girls’ clique… I need to slough this negative off of me.” Sensitive Derek pulls the clique aside before the cocktail party.

This Sensitive Derek drama is SO WEAK in comparison to Mad Chad.

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “We’re about to go into a cocktail party. Time is valuable. Everybody’s on edge. And he decides to talk to them now? Like, that’s ridiculous. Like, you don’t do that.”

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Time is valuable. You can’t just be having “conversations” with people right now. Everyone knows you need to be pissing your pants in preparation for your three minutes with Jojo!

Sensitive Derek: “It bothers the rest of us, and I just want you to know from an outsider’s perspective it starts to look like a high school clique.”
A-Ro-Bro: “In no way, shape, or form, being cliquey at all, and we’re as a group, not just us. And you didn’t have to bring us out here to do this. The cocktail party’s not a place to bring that up. It’s petty and it’s a non-issue. I’m sorry that you feel that way but I guarantee not everybody feels that way.”

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Sensitive Derek: “It is a slap in the face.”
Marine Alex: “You’re being sensitive. Does it actually get in the way of what you’re doing here?”

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You’re being sensitive. Is this actually affecting your ability to conquer Jojo?

Marine Alex’s confessional: “Derek got a rose on his chest, but yet he feels the need to call over a group of men and talk about some petty bull. That’s calculated. And I think that he made an effort to deter us from focusing on what we actually need to focus on, and that speaks volumes to how insecure he is as a man.”

Chase: “Alex and I don’t have roses so we’ve got kind of more important things to tend to. You three obviously, are safe. So I’m gonna put my energy towards that.”

Shit-stirrer/Anime Luke demands a summary of the drama afterwards. A-Ro-Bro (aggressively): “The main issue was he felt that we excluded people. As so if I look around, and any of you feel like I have excluded you emotionally, in conversation, in any way, shape, or form, is that the case?”

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Raise your hand if ANY of you feel I’ve excluded you. I won’t not belittle you like I just did to Derek.

Wells: “It was something that was bugging Derek, and I think that there’s a little bit of valor for having the balls to say that.” WELLS, YOU ARE SUCH AN UPSTANDING MAN. FIND ME.

Chase: “The only thing I don’t like is your timing. I don’t have a rose on my lapel right now.” These guys are super into their lapels.
A-Ro-Bro: “And you spoke for the group.”
Sensitive Derek: “No I didn’t.”
A-Ro-Bro: “The very first thing you said was ‘we all feel excluded.’”
Sensitive Derek: “I did not say that.”

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Eeyore won’t tell a lie.

Lord Harrison crashes this squabble: “There will not be a cocktail party here tonight. Her mind is made up and there’s no reason to delay the inevitable. Three of you will be going home tonight."Have they ever done two rose ceremonies in one episode? I mean, I’m glad they’re not staying in the rose-ceremony-in-middle-of-episode format though.

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It’s OK buddy, just think about how many more limp dicks are going to be waiting for you at home after this!

Rose Ceremony #2

Roses for Shit-stirrer Luke, Chase, Marine Alex (he accepts it saying YES PLEASE!), James Taylor II, and Dark Horse Wells!!!

Goodbye Dick Pastor Evan, Barber Vinny, and Firefighter Grant.

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More like… Uru-WHY?!

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But… who’s gonna trim my bros’ hair?

Dick Pastor Evan: “It felt like daggers through my heart. I thought I could come out here and be this amazing guy. In some ways I never got the chance to show her my heart.” I feel like we saw your heart and then some, Dick Pastor Evan.

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In some ways I never got to show her my heart. Only all of the insides of my nose and armpits.

Scenes from Season: Jojo saying goodbye to a man that she loves because he won’t be able to love her the way she needs to be loved?! He don’t go downtown????? IT’S 2016.

I miss Mad Chad. LOOK WHAT HE DID: CHAD SHENANIGANS.

In other news, the most boring Bachelor franchise couple of all time, the Unlovable Ben Higgins and Lauren B.land are the first couple to get their own spinoff reality TV show. I’m sure they’re doing that for “the right reasons” also. I would watch the shit out of Shawn and Kaitlyn though, when’s that happening?

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Jojo’s Beaus Throw Down: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 3, PART 2

Jojo Talks Mojo With Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 3, PART 1

Jojo Hoses Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 2

Jojo Meets Beaus: A Recap of The Bachelorette Week 1

The Bachelorette Preview: Jojo’s Beaus

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