To: Arizona Cardinals Players and Coaching Staff
From: Bruce Arians, Head Coach Arizona Cardinals
Cc: Other Men Who Are Around A Lot
Re: Female Coach Hired, New Rules In Place
Earlier today we, the Arizona Cardinals, hired Jen Welter as our training camp/preseason intern coach working with inside linebackers. Coach Welter is now officially the first female coach ever hired by an NFL team. After so many years of being a single-sex operation, you might imagine this is going to change the way we do things around here. With that in mind, I have consulted with HR, also all men, to decide what practices we will need to modify or get rid of all together.
Therefore, the following is a list of new rules and restrictions that are effective immediately as part of the Arizona Cardinals football team:
-Everyone must wear a base layer, full-body, flesh-colored Lycra suit in the shower.
There is only one locker room and all players and coaches will be expected to share.
-The Russian Bath Facility adjacent to the weight room will be destroyed.
Women do not like Russian baths. Only big hairy men do. There will be a SoulCycle installed in its place.
-Everyone must wear high-heel shoes to post-game press conferences.
This will make it an even playing field, shoe comfort–wise
-Players can no longer walk around with their penis hanging out of their pants fly and start conversations while acting like nothing weird is going on.
It is hilarious but also has been deemed inappropriate by HR. April Fools Day is, of course, an exception to this and all other rules.
-Players can no longer dance around with a bra and lipstick on singing “Santa Baby.”
This one was only hilarious when Neil Rackers did it after the 2009 NFC Championship, so cut it out all the rest of you.
-Cuss a lot.
Some men will try to be cute and say, “Watch your mouth, there’s a lady present” when someone cusses but that is in fact a very disrespectful and othering axiom. So cuss away! Or, at least cuss as much as you normally do; don’t go out of your way to cuss more … just don’t cuss any less, OK?
-Coaches and Players can no longer yell “Man Up!” at someone who’s being a pussy.
-“Friendship Kissing” is no longer permitted.
While it is traditional for football players to kiss coaches on the lips before they leave to go home for the day in order for the player and coach to assure each other that whatever was said or done out on the football field that day does not ruin but rather enhances the love and strengthens the friendship they have for each other, we can no longer do that because women apparently do not do friendship kissing the way men do.
-All the posters with bikini models draped on the hoods of Pontiac Firebirds must be taken down.
This has nothing to do with having a female coach. It is mainly because these posters have been hanging up since the mid-’80s and are covered in dust.
-Start wearing cologne.
Women go wild for cologne.
-Talking about speed boats is prohibited.
Speed boating is an alienating subject between genders. If you must talk boats, pontoon or paddle are recommended.
-Hang up your towels.
If we have learned anything from our mothers and wives, the only two women we have ever spent more than a half hour with at a time, it’s that hanging up a wet towel is the highest form of respect you can show a lady.