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February 09, 2017

We've all been in that situation where you're out having a good time with your friends feeling good about life until you get to the club and there is a massive cover charge!

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You’re pregaming with your friends. The night is young. It’s full of so much potential. You may even make a move on that girl Stacey you’ve been talking about making a move on all month. You and your friends get a nice buzz going, call the Uber and get to the club. You wait in line. As time elapses,and the bouncer still won’t let people in, you and your friends start to lose your buzz. You’re thinking, if we lose our buzz, that obviously means we need to purchase more alcohol when we get inside to sustain the good time. How am I supposed to make a move on Stacey without being under the influence? Finally you get to the door and there is a $20 cover! You decide whether it’s worth it.Does that mean I gotta pay Stacey’s cover too if I’m trying to impress her? If I pay for just myself, I’m $20 in the red BEFORE I even purchase/have a sip of alcohol. If I cough it up and pay for Stacey, now I’m $40 in the red before taking a dang sip of alcohol! I was gonna buy Stacey a drink too to increase my chances! I might as well sell my car to go out tonight! Dammit!

Here’s 20 Things You Would Much Rather Do Than Pay a $20 Cover Charge

  • 1. See a bad 1-man theatrical play (He had 1 job!)
  • 2. Eat tofu, kimchi, AND kale on the same plate (Yeah I know, it’s healthy, but it tastes like something spicy that was shot out of someone’s asshole!)
  • 3. Attend a random funeral (Who the heck was this Todd guy everyone keeps talking about!?)
  • 4. Receive a “purple-nerple” (Purple+Nipple=getting your nipple pinched and squeezed thus turning it purple)
  • 5. Going for a dentist appointment AND him/her regretting to inform you that you need a root canal and that you WILL die if he/she doesn’t perform it RIGHT NOW
  • 6. Sleep in a dumpster
  • 7. Make out with a girl with no teeth. (C’mon,we’ve all been there!)
  • 8. Watch Bob Ross for 24 hours straight NOT HIGH
  • 9. Get kidnapped with NO candy in the van (Goddammit! Again!?)
  • 10. Drive backwards on the freeway (We’ve all missed that exit!)
  • 11. Go to your niece/nephew/little brother/little cousin’s soccer game, watch the kids score for the wrong team and do NOT complain about it after
  • 12. Find your second grade teacher on Facebook and message her saying that she isn’t as attractive as you remembered
  • 13. Actually give a homeless guy change (We’re talking PENNIES here! What are you buying with PENNIES anyway!?)
  • 14. Listen to an entire Nickelback album in one sitting (If Avril Lavigne can date the guy, you can give it a listen)
  • 15. Call people on the phone instead of texting, or AOL instant messaging, or whatever the kids are doing these days
  • 16. Tell your parents that you’re perfectly fine and you do not need their monetary aid ever again
  • 17. Immediately regret that decision!
  • 18. Regret every decision you’ve ever made period
  • 19. Ask yourself why you have friends who would knowingly take you to a bar that has cover charge in general (Who picked that dang bar???)
  • 20. Get friendzoned by Stacey (Let’s face it. She’s been giving you mixed signals for awhile. She barely responds to your AOL messages. You actually don’t like the perfume she wears anyway. And you waited a freaking MONTH to make a move!)