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August 08, 2016

How many printer promotion deals or coupons for pastel sticky notes do I need at one time. Zero. This is the only Back to School list you'll ever, ever need for college.

The Only Back to School List You Need

Face it. It’s fruitless to give into the brewing storm of Back to School promotions because by the second week of school, you will have already lost your third pack of multi-colored pens, and the only one you have left is a yellow highlighter that you found on the ground.

So why waste money on things you will end up losing track of anyway?

Which is why I crafted together this Back to School List, the only one that will ever, ever matter to any college student.

1. Your Drinking Kit

This one is obvious, so might as well get it out of the way now.
- Solo cups- Ping pong balls
- Beer bottle opener (keep this attached to your room keys – people will ask you, “You must use that all the time, huh?” and you’ll give them a side-eye glance with a subtley cool shrug and a “…Yeah”.)

You’re probably wondering why bring the Kit with you? Well, you want it with you the first second your mom let’s go of that tight hug, your step-dad releases that firm handshake, and both cease to exist from your life for the next four months.

Yeah, that moment. Don’t waste another minute dawdling. The time you’re not using to study, you’re partying. So, still GO TO CLASS, but be ready.

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2. Air Freshener

Giveth that man a cookie who doth recite all reasons for why college students’ rooms smell.

I don’t understand people who purposely let their rooms reek of weed and moist sweat… Those don’t mix. Bath and Body Works doesn’t make candles out of that.

Load up on the air freshener, my friend. It’s how you correctly solve all your problems – by covering and forgetting about them till it haunts you in your sleep…. #ragrets

Also, this gives you an excuse to not do your laundry for another week or so.

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3. Drunk Stoned or Stupid.

Maybe it’s time for a break from all these raucous Friday and Saturday night occurrences.

Let’s get Drunk Stoned or Stupid.
Not drunk, stoned, or stupid.
I used capitals, b*tch.

This is a party game that doesn’t have to involve alcohol but it does involve a lot of sh*tting on people. Even better.

How it works: Each card in the deck states a certain scenario or character trait that may match the personality of one of the players of the game. If you believe that Bartholomew is “Most likely to wake up with a burrito in his bed”, you would accuse Ol’ Bart of such an atrocity. But, every strong argument is backed with evidence. By making this statement, you now have to explain why. Maybe Bart murmurs “burritos” in his sleep. Or maybe he is constantly lonely! You tell the story. Everyone else, make the judgment.

Mistrust, betrayal, humiliation, pain, and laughter ensue… all under the name of “Fun”, of course.

You can’t get through college if you’re drunk, stoned, or stupid.
But you can, and have an awesome time, if you have Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid. (see what I did there. I’m a genius.)

Order it here.

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“Look at me! I’m so fun!”
What? Who said that?!

4. The Domino’s App

My freshman roommate was the asshole that would place a pizza order ten minutes before our local Domino’s closed. When conflicted whether or not to get garlic-powdered crust, she reasons “Yes to garlic. Because garlic’s antiflammatory.”

Ah, I can see it now… Domino’s Pizza — curing humanity’s global health problems. Perhaps if I use this pepperoni slice as a face mask, my acne will go away! #logic #imsosmurt

Seriously though, this app is genius. You can order your own personal pizza and simultaneously drunk text your fifth grade teacher! Why you have your fifth grade teacher’s number, I don’t know.

Specificity is key to comedy, though.

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5. 42 bajillion packs of underwear

If either jock itch or chafing sound pleasant to you, then try not changing your underwear for a few days!

(Please. Please do not try this. The world has enough atrocities. Your crotch doesn’t need to be one of ‘em).

So: it’s either do laundry more often, -OR- wear the same pair for an extended period of time. -OR- you can invest in ten more packs of underwear. Think of it as an investment in your privates.

Still don’t believe me? Well, one: you’re disgusting. And two: well, fine, hopefully some trust, academic sources will convince you. WebMD recommends changing every 24 hours. If you don’t, you’ll probably still end up on WebMD, self-diagnosing your jock itch as an STD. Read more here.


So many undies! Lucky bastard.
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6. One BIC Pen

Whether it’s that mid-term you spent all two hours of your morning studying for or an apology letter to your parents for why you dropped out, you’re gonna have to write something.

Might as well buy your own, or pick one out of the admissions receptionist’s pen-holder. They have so many options!