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August 12, 2014

I'm pretty sure, if it came down to it, I could take a shark. Here's why.


You may have noticed it’s Shark Week. YAWN. This is gonna sound redic but hear me out: I’m pretty positive I could take a great white in a fight.

Honestly, it’s not crazy. I’m like 70–75% sure that, if it really came down to it, I would win. And it’s not even one of those things where regular humans gets super strength in times of crisis and can lift cars. I just straight up would beat a shark.

Here’s my evidence:

1. You can’t see me right now but I have a sharktooth necklace and I always wear it, even in the shower. Granted, it came from Declan’s Souvenir Shop in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, and not from a shark I took down, but still — it’s pretty damn intimidating. Plus, the shark wouldn’t even know that. He’d just see it and be like, “Wait, what. Did he kill a shark and make a necklace from his teeth? This is a guy I gotta watch out for.”

2. Sharks can swim. I can swim and also be on land. So even my worst-case scenario is a fair fight. And on the off-chance this took place on land, like in a UFC ring or something, the shark would be so fucked. You see, sharks have gils (gills? I don’t know how it’s spelled. Whatever.) which means they can only breathe underwater. He’d be gasping for air the whole time if I lucked out and got home-court advantage. (Brooklyn. That’s where I live.)

3. I have never been eaten by a shark in my entire life. So there’s no precedent set of, like, “Oh, Mike always gets eaten when he fights sharks.” The most you could say as a spectator would be like, “Oh wow, this scenario has never happened before. I can’t wait to see where it goes.”

4. I’ve seen every Die Hard so I know some good fighting tricks. There are no movies in the ocean so a shark definitely wouldn’t know them, as well. He’d just be like, “Are you kidding? Where did you learn that?” as I pummeled the fucking shit out of him.

5. Sharks only live till about 30. So I’d either be fighting a child, which is easy and I’ve done before, or I’d be fighting someone my own age but who is already very close to death.

6. Sharks can’t make a fist. I can make two. Moving on.

7. I heard sharks can get stuck in those plastic rings they put around six packs and, no disrespect, but that is the least metal thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If a sixer of Natty Light can take you down, I definitely can, too. Get a grip, sharks.

8. I had like 12 Nutri-Grain bars this morning. So if it goes down today, I’ll up that 70–75% to a solid 90%.

9. I’ve got something a shark doesn’t have: a plan. Basically, I’ve spent my entire life strategizing if I ever fought a great white. They don’t have this benefit. I don’t even mind sharing it cause sharks don’t have internet access so won’t ever see this. Basically, if a great white came at me, first I’d punch him in the dick and then rip his fins off. Then I’d swing him around my head real fast by his tail and launch him into space. Presto Dunzo.

10. Sharks moms abandon them as soon as they’re born. The dads leave even earlier. Right before the fight, I would remind the shark of this and just really throw him off his game.

Um, so, yeah, that’s about it.