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October 12, 2015

8 Things You Might Have Missed From NFL Week 5

1. Aaron Rodgers says that the undefeated Packer’s offense is struggling, also asks Coach McCarthy if he forgot to assign homework for the weekend.


As McCarthy was finishing his post-game speech it appeared as if he was going to let the players have a few days off before coming in for practice next week. Just as everyone was taking their first step toward the door, Rodgers had to raise his little nerd hand and suggest to McCarthy that the Packers should work on their offense a little more.

“Maybe we should all come in and go over the audibles tomorrow,” said the coach’s pet.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Everyone has to come in tomorrow.” Coach McCarthy quickly shouted before anyone was able to leave.

“That’s a great idea, Aaron. You’re a good little boy. One day I think you’ll grow up to be a senator!”

2. Jamaal Charles suffered a season-ending injury, literally losing millions of dollars for 1/12 of fantasy football players.


At approximately 2:18 p.m. Sunday afternoon, America witnessed many many adults took a possibly career-ending injury of one of the best players in recent NFL history and make it all about how there’s no way they can win their $20 fantasy league now.

In the great American tradition, chicken wings were thrown, beer was spit out onto 36-inch plasma screen TV’s, and children were told that dad can’t go out and have a catch in the backyard — not today, and not for a long time probably — once the news reached all of the Jamaal Charles fantasy owners across the country.

3. After Weeden’s poor start, Cowboys plan to reevaluate QB options, choosing from Weeden, Cassel, Tony Romo using his feet, or Other.


Here is a list of seven other QB option for the Cowboys:

–Troy Aikman — He’s at the games anyway.

–Terrell Owens — He wants to play for the Cowboys, that counts for something.

–Trade first-, second-, and third-string QB’s with the neighboring Houston Texans. It won’t help either team, but it will give fans a different name to use when they complain about their terrible teams.

–Switch to exclusive “punt or run” offense.

–Come to grips with the fact that your franchise is a representation of all that is wrong with America in it’s unearned swagger, uncontrollable bloat, and oblivious sense that other teams are jealous of you and accept that the candidates to run your offense all fall short because that is what you deserve.

–Pizza Rat!

–Trade for Johnny Manziel, forcing Weeden and Cassel to play better just so no one has to listen to people talk about Johnny Football all week.

4. Golden Tate blames Lions fans for turning their back on the team and kissing other teams while they were still going out.


It’s really disgusting what Detroit fans have done. The Lions are the last winless team in the NFL for a record eighth time in history, but that’s when players like Tate need their fans the most, ya know? But no, Lions fans are out going on dates with other teams and, at least what I heard: They’re kissing other teams and giving them dry handjobs in the other teams’ fancy sports cars that their parents bought for them.

So what if the Lions drive a ’92 Ford Taurus and don’t wear shirts that fit or know all the latest dance moves? Fans should still be loyal to their team. Not laugh, like, too hard at other team’s jokes and touch their shoulders for, like, way too long all while the Lions are sitting right there at the same booth in the 24-hour Steak ’n Shake. Everyone is talking about it and it’s embarrassing.

5. Neil deGrasse Tyson says Bengals win was due to the rotation of Earth, indicating that the One True Creator Himself really wants to get Bengals fans’ hopes up, making the inevitable fall in the first round of the playoffs a final assertion of the O.T.C.H.’s ultimate authority on the universe and the happiness of Earthly beings.

If the One True Creator Himself deems it necessary for Bengals fans to get themselves all worked up and happy after winning regular season games by the narrowest of margins only to be cut down and banished into eternal suffering during the first weekend of the playoffs, then that is what is right and true.

On this, the ten-season anniversary of the Carson-Palmer-knee-injury-on-the-first-drive-of-the-first-Bengals-playoff-appearance-in-17-years, it seems especially right and true that the hope of Bengals fans must be exceptionally bolstered so that their first-round playoff loss will be singularly surprising and soul crushing. For Bengals fans must always know and accept that they are servants to the One True Creator Himself, not the other way around.

6. Greg Hardy sacks Tom Brady, Jerry Jones falls even deeper in love. The two will be married during the Cowboys bye week.


The ceremony between the unrepentant woman beater Greg Hardy and the good-old-boy billionaire who loves giving men who beat women millions of dollars, Jerry Jones, is rumored to be planned as a “low key” affair with Bill Cowher presiding over the two’s exchange of vows and washing both of their feet afterwards.

Hardy has had a tough year, being convicted of domestic abuse after throwing his ex-girlfriend onto a futon full of guns and then threatening to kill her. Thankfully, Jerry Jones was there to pick him back up, offer him millions and millions of dollars, and go on national TV and try to tell America that he doesn’t condone domestic violence. That’s when they fell in love.

7. Six teams remain undefeated after week 5. Here are some unexpected things they all have in common.

  • They all brought back a large percentage of their starting lineup from last year
  • They all cover their eyes during scary movies
  • They all have a balanced run game and a deep threat wide receiver
  • They all scrunch up their nose in a really cute way when they laugh
  • They all think it’s cute and squeal when they see animals of different species cuddling
  • They all have quarterbacks with playoff experience
  • They all love eating chicken wings with the guys but still make sure their hair looks cute
  • They all introduce us to cool indie rock bands that we never would have listened to otherwise
  • They all get passed over for the “hot” girl when it comes to getting asked to the homecoming dance
  • They all have playmaking defenses
  • They all are going off to NYU next year to study art

8. Draft Kings and Fan Duel experienced record traffic after a week of controversy, bringing happiness and warmth to households across America.


Parents: “Hey kids, mom and dad are home and guess what? We won a million dollars playing Draft Kings and you can too!”

Kids: “Yaaaaaay!”

Dad: “Alright kids let’s get you set up.”

Son: “Can we play Fan Duel, daddy?”

Dad: “We are a Draft Kings family, Tyler. Fan Duel is for the gangsters and sex perverts that live on the other side of town.”

Daughter: “Is this gambling, mommy?”

Mom: “It’s only gambling if you lose and this family doesn’t lose so get that straight or else you’re gonna be out on your ass in the Fan Duel part of town. Got it?!”

Daughter: “OK, anything you say. I’m scared.”