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July 28, 2015
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America doesn't need gun control — it needs people control. So let's pass some people laws already.

Senator Johnny Isakson (R, GA) introduced an NRA-sponsored bill this morning to end gun violence against Americans by regulating Americans. “The leading cause of gun deaths in America is people, and we need common-sense legislation to regulate them. Obviously this means limiting reproduction, but we also need to ensure the safety of our public places, by completely eliminating the public from them.”

The bill includes a three-day waiting period before a woman is allowed to conceive and requires background checks for anyone planning to have sex. Further, people will no longer be allowed in airports, movie theaters, churches, or classrooms.

“Especially classrooms,” noted the senator.

Wayne LaPierre, spokesman for the NRA, applauds the bill. “It just straight up makes sense. A gun never hurt anyone it wasn’t aimed at, and it’s time we took aim at those doing the aimin’! This law is gonna stop anyone on Social Security or Welfare from having sex of any kind. Even the gay shit.”

“It’s not that I don’t like folks,” continued the senator,“But they are dangerous as hell and dirty as a dollar. When this bill becomes law people will no longer be able to have sex with anyone they meet online, at flea markets, or gun shows. Also, Las Vegas will be turned into one single, enormous gun show. Fuck yes it will!”

Reaction across the country has been predominantly positive. Pat Conroy, resident of Jackson, Alabama, and father of three, agrees with the bill. “I’m sick of all the liberals trying to tell me what kinda gun I can have. Like somehow it’s the gun’s fault. A gun can’t pull it’s own trigger, am I right? Now, you get rid of all the fucking Italians, you’ll feel safer immediately!”

The bill is expected to pass swiftly through both Houses of Congress.

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