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December 16, 2014
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A good humidifier can do wonders for your genitals when you're non-stop fucking to 'Black Messiah.'

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As you’re no doubt aware, D’Angelo’s highly anticipated third studio album, Black Messiah — 15 years in the making— was released Monday to wide critical acclaim and commercial success. And because everyone is going to be fucking and fucking and fucking for as long and hard as they possibly can for the foreseeable future due to the album’s visceral, irresistible portrayal of love, sex, money, life, and death, here is some information in regard to protecting your genitals and keeping them as healthy as possible:

Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate!

From the second you put this album on, you’re going to start losing a lot of fluids, whether via sweating, ejaculating, or the overproduction of vaginal mucous, so you’ll want to push water or electrolyte-laden beverages such as Pedialyte as much as possible. In addition to keeping your strength up and increasing your endurance, this will go a long way to keeping your genitals as elastic, dewy, and fresh-smelling as possible.

Chafing

Keeping labia and penile glans from getting severely chaffed during the marathon fuck sessions that smoldering songs such as “Sugah Daddy” and “Betray My Heart” are going to inspire will prove challenging. The good news is, this is easily preventable, as water-soluble personal lubricants for all tastes are widely available in most drug stores. However, you’ll probably want to go to one of the warehouse chains such as Sam’s Club or Costco and get the largest size you can find. You’ll understand why once you hear the chorus to “Ain’t That Easy.”

Chapping

For those in dryer climates, chapping is going to be something to consider when you’re fucking like you’re on a burning ship because the raw emotional depth of D’Angelo’s genius will make you painfully but deliciously aware of the tenuousness of existence, and of the importance of squeezing every last drop of life out of the present moment. A humidifier will go a long way toward keeping the gentle skin of scrotums and vulvae moist and supple — the Air-O-Swiss 7135 comes highly recommended.

Cleaning

“When am I going to have time to stop and clean my genitals, what with all the non-stop fucking I’m going to be doing to this sexy, sexy album?” is a totally legitimate question. However, we suggest you take a few minutes during some of the more politically tinged songs such as “1000 Deaths” to thoroughly wash and dry your genitals. This will not only give you the opportunity to cleanse your nethers of dried, caked-on fluids that can cause rashes and irritation, but it will also give you a moment to reflect on how far we still need to progress as a society. Then you can confidently and powerfully lay into your partner(s)’ genitals once the sensual, snaking bass line of “The Charade” begins.

Staying Within Your Skill Set

Right around the time you hit “The Door” on Black Messiah, you’re going to start thinking you’re pretty hot stuff. Of course, we’d never say this wasn’t true, but the temptation to throw some sexual Hail Marys that may fall outside your particular skill set is going to be very strong. Just keep in mind that erect penises can be ruptured and cervixes can be bruised, so if you’re going to try something new, build off of what you already know rather than just chucking yourself and your genitals into the deep end.


If you follow this simple advice, you should easily be able to eliminate any pesky distractions that stem from genital discomfort, and fuck to the deeply soulful, bittersweet strains of Black Messiah until you transcend your corporeal body and reach a higher spiritual plane. In other words, “Till It’s Done” (track 7)!

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