By now you may have heard about how the Silk Road 2.0 was shut down and its genuinely very nice and cool ringleader was arrested. The Silk Road 2.0 was an online marketplace that lived on the Deep Web and was used by thousands of people to buy and sell all sorts of illegal goods. From drugs to fake passports to lots more drugs, the Silk Road 2.0 had it all, plus, seriously, tons of drugs. So when my girlfriend and I decided it was time for me to learn how to perform oral sex on her a few weeks ago, the place to go was obvious: the Deep Web. This is how I learned to give “Oral Sex She’ll never forget” on the Deep Web.

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Welcome to the Deep Web, where totally legitimate goods and services are bought and sold.


What Is The Deep Web?

Before I get into how I learned to perform cunnilingus, I should give a little background. The Deep Web is a term used to describe the stuff on the internet that is not indexed by common search engines like Google. This encompasses a lot of stuff, including plenty of normal stuff that is meant to be kept private like the website you log into when you look up your bank statement or temporary websites like the one made when you check your Domino’s pizza status.

But the websites we are really referring to when we talk about the Deep Web are the ones that are intentionally being hidden. You know … the scary and illegal ones. The ones with drugs, guns, child porn, and guides on oral sex.

These websites are only accessible with browsers that keep their users anonymous.The biggest name in anonymous browsers is Tor, which anyone can download and use. It is basically a modified Firefox browser and it looks like this:

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Tor: The only 501©(3) non-profit that serves as the backbone of the worlds largest illegal-goods marketplace.

Basically Tor makes it look like you are someone else. If you go to a “what is my IP address” website when using Tor it will say your IP address is elsewhere, usually in a different country. This allows you to browse the web anonymously (assuming you also follow best practices — i.e., don’t leave a trail of identifying information like your name, phone number, or nude photos).

Using Tor, you can access websites with .onion addresses. They are called that because of the method of security they use of protecting data with successive layers of encryption that are peeled back with each relay like an onion. If you want to learn more feel free to get a PhD in this shit, but otherwise you can be like me and assume all this is fine and power through with great ignorance.

Finding good .onion sites is a little tricky since, by definition, they are not indexed by search engines. So you gotta find lists.

But once you are in — oh man — there is some crazy shit.


Some Crazy Shit On The Deep Web

Let’s just take a quick tour through some great .onion sites I stumbled on as I got up the courage to look for that guide to vagina smooching.

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The real-life way to unlock the gold machine-gun achievement.


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This FakeID store wishes you a “charming and lucky New Year” with a great 10% off discount!


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Wanna fund ISIS from the comfort of your own home? No problem!


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The Deep Web is home to a giant, long-lost repository of “vore,” erotica that features people being swallowed whole by animals. In this piece a man enjoys being swallowed by an Orca (Voreca?) named Dark Ice.


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Not scared of the Deep Web yet? Here is a site with tons of SCARY PHOTOS … if you DARE!


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AHHHHHHHHH!!!!


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My personal favorite, this is the website of a bunch of guys that seem to have gotten themselves stuck in an ’80s heist comedy about a bunch of stoners who robbed a gold vault and need to get rid of their loot quick!


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Need John Bon Jovi’s credit report? Woooaaahhh! You’re halfway there!


See what I mean? Some crazy shit.

There are also a lot of sites that advertise for extremely illegal and violent crimes. I found a site that advertises that you can buy a hit man to kill someone. I will show you some screenshots from this site but I will not make fun of it because it is terrifying and I don’t want anyone from there voting Die on this article … for real.

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A totally normal site that I am not making fun of. For real, cool illustration too.

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Prices and other details for things that there is no reason anyone should do to me or my loved ones.

But anyway, you get it. The Deep Web is crazy and looks like the internet did in the ’90s since people there put more of a premium on privacy rather than site design (except the C'thulhu guys, really, your site is nice and simple and perfectly designed). I highly recommend checking the Deep Web out.

However, I just wanted that guide to eating pussy. But before I could head to the Deep Web market, I was going to have to get my hands on some Deep Web currency: bitcoins.


Buying A Bitcoin Like A Cool Brooklyn Dude

Bitcoins are … fuck it. I’m not going to explain them. They are very complicated, I barely understand them and you can learn about them here. All you need to know for now is that bitcoins are a currency that can be used on the internet and has a real, fluctuating price. Like Disney Dollars if they were invented by a mad genius whose true identity we still don’t know.
Buying a bitcoin was way more labor-intensive than I expected. I bought mine in person in Brooklyn, NY, from Coin Cafe. Why I bought it in person is because I misunderstood some things on their website and before I knew it I had a reservation to buy one bitcoin at an ATM located in an old phone booth stationed in a coworking space in Brooklyn. Too cool or too-est cool I asked myself as I entered the shitty office building.

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Screenshot from The Matrix or my life? The author attempts to buy some bitcoins.

I was waiting for someone to care that I was buying a bitcoin but nobody did and the instructions on the ATM told me explicitly not to ask anyone to care.

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Bitcoins are so cool that nobody gives a shit about you buying them.

The price of Bitcoin when I bought it was exactly $420. I thought this was hilarious until the price dropped by a hundred dollars a week later. But hey, that’s the cost being an innovator.

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The website said the ATM only took $100s but then it also took a $20. Whatever, these guys are still more trustworthy than my normal bank, which was just fined $4 billion for being asshole criminals.

The only other thing to mention about buying and using bitcoins is that it was the first and only time in my life I have used a QR code for something (you know, a QR code: those magic eye-looking squares that companies started putting on all their ads because some consulting firm told them it would make them look hip and go viral). So the next time you crack a joke about how QR codes are useless, you should know you are outing yourself as someone who has never traded a bitcoin using a QR code. Fucking n00b.


The Deep Web Markets

OK, so now that I had my bitcoin it was time to finally learn how to chow down on some pussy. The first digital marketplace I checked out was the only one I had heard about, the Silk Road. The original Silk Road was shut down a year ago in a raid, so where I was actually headed was the Silk Road 2.0. I guess the logic was that the Silk Road had brand recognition and you can’t keep a good brand name down … unless you are the FBI, I guess.

The Silk Road 2.0 looked like this:

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Yeah, of course I know what ultra-pure Pentedron Crystalz are, I use them all the time — what, you don’t?

But now the Silk Road 2.0 looks like this:

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Narc much, FBI?

But back a few weeks ago before all this went down and the Silk Road 2.0 was moving along blissfully unaware it had been infiltrated, I had set about trying to buy my eBook about eating pussy.

When I first found the cunnilingus guide, the thing that impressed me the most was the description it gave of what was inside:

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The master describes his craft

When I saw this description, I knew that I was dealing with an oral sex master. Here’s how I could tell:

- At first when he made his thesis statement that “people have been using their mouths to stimulate each other sexually for about as long as there have been people,” I was like “what the hell is this guy talking about?” but then he drops the example, “How about kissing each other?” OH YEAH! My mind was blown. During that whole sentence I had totally forgotten about kissing.

- I appreciated his description of the human male desperately kissing women’s thighs and ears for hundreds of years before figuring out kissing the vulva worked. The struggle this was describing mirrored my own: I’ve spent hours kissing my girlfriend’s kneecaps and nothing ever happens. That’s why I went looking for this guide in the first place.

- “The Latin word cunnilingus was coined to describe licking the vulva.” This guy even knew the etymology of the sex act. He must be good.

- Whoever this “equally enterprising woman” is that found out that “men liked for her to suck their penis” must have been some kind of genius, too. It is so sad her identity has been lost to time. I can only assume all records of her were destroyed in the fire that destroyed the Library of Alexandria.

I was truly lucky to be in the hands of this master named “professorhouse.” But to be sure he was good, I checked the product reviews. Just like Amazon or eBay, users on the Silk Road are asked to rate and review the vendors and products. Here were the reviews for this eBook:

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What struck me about these reviews was how they were very obviously not fake. “THis is a good one” and “Works perfectly” were all I had to hear but I was really sold based on the review stating “GReat methods !!!! Making money after 4 days.” My oral sex skills were about to get so good women were going to be throwing cash at me! The Deep Web — no wonder they keep you a secret!

Time to buy:

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Purchase made.

The eBook was going to cost about $11. Sounded like a total steal, especially now that I knew I was going to be making money on the deal.

So, I began the process of purchasing. This involved uploading money into my Silk Road 2.0 account and notifying the seller I wanted to buy. Then my money was basically put in escrow, meaning it goes to a third party and is claimed by the seller once I confirm I have received the product. No prob. I put the money in and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And the book never came.

I will never know the reason I never got my eBook. Maybe profesorhouse was running a scam. Maybe he had abandoned the market because he got word it had been compromised by the FBI. Hell, profesorhouse may have been an FBI agent himself who had particularly strong cunnilingus skills and the desire to make a little money on the side while working undercover but then got too busy with work to send me his guide as his final act before shutting the site down. I’ll never know.

What I do know is that he never claimed my .031656 bitcoins (~ $13). Rather than getting them returned to me, though, they were lost forever when the site was seized by the FBI.

But hey, no one ever said eating pussy was easy, right?


A New Hope

Don’t worry. The story doesn’t end here.

By this point I had been promising my girlfriend mind-blowing oral sex for weeks and damned if I wasn’t going to deliver.

It was time to head to different market. So I went to one called Evolution.

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Sleek, simple, and obviously not employing a full-time graphic designer.

The Evolution market is very similar to the Silk Road except for some key differences that apparently are enough to keep it safe from the FBI (for now?). But fortunately for me, there was at least one thing these two deep-net markets had in common: They both sold guides to eating pussy.

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We had to do the blurring, sorry. If you can’t make it out, that one girl has her nipples out and the other one has her mouth on the vagina.

And holy smokes, this guide is WAY cheaper than the $13 one on the Silk Road. Good thing that site ripped me off, because apparently I’m a sucker that deserves it! This one is almost free! Plus it’s sold by a man named optiman! You know, like optimum man. That’s exactly what I hope to be after I learn this stuff.

Suffice it to say, I bought it. But it wasn’t easy. To prove I was legit I had to learn a mnemonic.

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I remembered this mnemonic by making a sentence: “Random men make daffodil belts out of titanium to comfort themselves while waiting in the evening line for hot dogs which as everyone knows are the way to get rid of hunger. They had tickets.” Easy!

I placed the order and waited…

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Processing the future of my mouth.

Unlike on the Silk Road 2.0, where my order never came through and then the FBI took my money, this guide came in less than a day!

Now it was time to download.

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Which download button to choose? One leads to treasure, the others… to certain pop-up ads.

What was great about the download page was it didn’t look suspicious at all. When a website tells you that the thing you are about to download’s “Virus Status” is “Clean(Clean)” then you know it’s safe. I even got this little message in French telling me something!

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Très bon!

I have no idea what it says but my assumption is something along the lines of “This file is great! Enjoy eating your pussy!” French is the language of love after all. And to top it all off, when I clicked “Download” my browser also automatically opened this ad for Sparta: War of Empires. I am sure that game’s developers are proud to have their ad dollars supporting the spread of Deep Web cunnilingus knowledge.

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I bet these Sparta guys knew how to chomp vag like champs.

The Document Is Opened

Finally it was time, I turned off my Wi-Fi (Tor warned me many times never to open anything downloaded using Tor but if I do to turn off my internet) and opened the .pdf.

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The guide. Yep, it starts with Part 2.

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The guide. Yep, it starts with Part 2.

Now you, like me, may have a lot of questions about this document. Like, if this is part 2 of some guide, then where is part 1? Is there a part 3? Who is the anonymous woman? What does it mean for tongue-fucking to feel “define?"Why do this woman and her friends pass around the same men? Once I get good at this will I be forced to be with many more women?

But despite all these questions there is one thing that gives this document true credibility: It gives the same advice as a bunch of other guides I found on the normal web. Just do a Google search of "guide to oral sex by an anonymous woman” and you will find tons of these. Like, verbatim. The only difference is that I went through literally weeks of work and exposed myself to the FBI to get this one. Of course mine can’t possibly be exactly the same as those; mine must be more special. This I choose to believe because if I do not then I would be an idiot to have done what I did. And I, my friends, am no idiot.


Conclusion: Farewell Deep Web

I’ve since left the Deep Web for the safer web surfing found on the boring old waters of the “regular” internet. I’m grateful for my time there and I learned a lot. Was it worth it to have the market value of the $420 worth of Bitcoin I purchased decline by 25% and to spend $13 on a guide that was never delivered and then pay another $13 for a guide that I could have found with a regular Google search? I guess I’ll just let my girlfriend answer that with what she said after I used the guide to go down on her: “What in the hell are you doing?”

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