Australia has refused to issue an entrance visa to pop star Chris Brown because of his questionable character and past criminal behavior. In an effort to attain a visa so he can perform concerts in the country, Chris Brown has taken to Twitter, claiming that he plans to raise awareness for domestic violence. We have Chris Brown’s detailed plan for how he’ll educate Australians on domestic violence if granted his visa.
Hey Australian government. Chris Brown here. I know you guys don’t want me in your country because you think I’m a “bad influence” and a “criminal.” Yeah, I beat up and threatened to kill Rihanna. Yeah, I once went to a party offensively dressed as an Islamic terrorist. And yeah, I’ve punched Drake and Frank Ocean and a Good Morning America dressing room.
But I think Australia can learn a lot from my mistakes, and that’s why you should let me into your country. To prove that I’m worthy of visiting, I’ve put together the following plan to raise awareness about domestic violence in Australia:
- I’m taking a “show, don’t tell” approach to educating people about domestic violence — by performing a bunch of big, spectacular music concerts in large arenas. Now, when I perform, it may look like I’m just doing a regular music performance, but deep down in my heart, it’s also a domestic violence PSA. You just won’t be able to tell! Music is what I do best. Unless you include being a menace to society, which is actually what I do best.
- I’ll do a press junket to promote my shows. My goal is to get as many attendees as possible to my concerts. Because the more people come out, the more people will hear my music — uh, I mean, my anti-violence message. It’s simple math.
- I’ll perform these music concerts in as many Australian cities as I can in order to spread awareness of my career — whoops, this very important and serious cause — as much as possible. It’s a music-with-an-extremely-subtle-undercurrent-of-domestic-violence-education tour, if you will. That’s right, I’m coming at YOU, Wollongong! But not in a violent way.
- I’ll collect donations for the domestic violence cause from the Australian people. Each concert attendee will be required to donate at minimum $100 to the source and cause of domestic abuse. You can make a difference by attending my shows! Rest assured, this money will go toward domestic-violence funding … in the form of paying my lawyers each time I assault someone.
- I’ll sing and dance in an effort to teach people with my music. Education does not have to be boring. Education can be fun! For example, in one song, I sing the following lyrics: “I’ve got to give it to her rough. But I better not get violent — ha!” The “ha” is there because it’s true. There is a court order barring me from being violent toward women.
- Guest performance by Pitbull (the rapper)!
- Gyrating women will perform in my show. What better way to get the anti-violence message out than by including scantily clad women, front and center, showing off the body parts that are most likely to be assaulted by people like me?
- I’ll give a shout-out to my man Jesus for encouraging me to be a better person. Feel free to infer what this religious symbolism means.
- Guest performance by kangaroos (the animal)!
- I’ll sell many T-shirts and posters and other swag with my face and name plastered on them at these concerts. We want to spread the Chris Brown message far and wide. This way, people not attending my concerts will see my face and think long and hard about domestic violence. And also, we’ll make additional money for the cause since those T-shirts bring in lots of cash for me. Win-win!
- I’ll party hard in your cities after my concerts. Ladies — but only hot ones: If you come out with me, I will show you first hand how to love and honor women. With my penis. But please, don’t make me mad. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Remember, Chris Brown isn’t doing this for Chris Brown. I’m doing this for the Australian people. To educate and only to educate. Nothing more. Because I am charitable and care about people. Peace.