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May 16, 2017
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My show is better!

Dear students and parents of Pleasant Valley High School,

As principal, there come times when I have to put my foot down and ban certain things to keep our high school running smoothly. You may recall my recent ban of sunglasses since they discriminate against the sun, or when I outlawed pocket knives because they’re just too darn cool. Well, once more I must wield my power in forbidding something from school grounds. From now on,The Handmaid’s Tale, a novel by Margaret Atwood, is banned!

You must understand that I’m not alone in banning this book. Several other schools have banned it for its depictions of sex and violence. However, that’s not why I’m keeping students from reading or possessing it. No, see The Handmaid’s Tale was just turned into a television show on the digital streaming service Hulu, the very same digital streaming service that rejected my own television show idea a few months ago!

Now if you think I’m just banning the book as a petty attempt to get back at Margaret Atwood for getting her show selected over mine, you’re damn right I am! I’m all about being petty. I’m a high school principal and that’s what we do! Heck, I give kids detention just for looking at me funny, even if they have eye conditions where they can only look at people funny.

My show was gonna be so good, too. It was called Princi-Palz, and it starred 3 high school principals that were also friends. So relatable, right? The lead, played by me, was the strongest and coolest of them all, but the other two, played by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (female Tom Hanks), weren’t bad. Each episode would have them talking trash on their students (I used your real names, students, so the show not getting made prevented you from becoming famous!), whipping teachers into shape, and fighting crime at night with our special principal weapons (guns)! It could’ve easily ran for 20 or 30 seasons, if not for The Handmaid’sFail.

Yeah, that’s the name I came up to make fun of it. Too bad you won’t see whip-smart writing like that coming from Tom Hanks’ mouth on Hulu anytime soon.

If I see any students, or teachers, or just any random people I run into on the street, carrying a copy of Margaret Fatwood’s (again, whip-smart) book, they will immediately be expelled, or fired, or elbowed in the groin.

You’re not missing much anyways. I read the book (“Know Your Enemy,” says Green Day), and let me tell you, it’s terrible. It has no things that my show was gonna have. There’s no sexy aliens. There’s no sexy references to The Matrix. There’s not even a sexy character named Principal Findley in it! I assume the Hulu show is just as bad, but with less reading.

I hope I have made myself loud and clear. I’d truly hate for a promising young student to be expelled due to such a terrible book written by a terrible person turned into a terrible show on a terrible digital streaming service.

Your sexy principal,

Mr. Findley

P.S. Anyone who gets Princi-Palz made into a TV show is allowed to have sunglasses in school.

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