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Stats & Data

November 22, 2017

As cliche as it may sound let's compare shopping on "Black Friday" compared to the other 364 days of the year.

Remember when you were a child and you went to the beach. Frolicking in the surf you soon realized when you looked up that you were several yards to the right of where you had entered the water. As you wearily walked back to your parents and their beach towels you all realized that you had slowly been swept down the beach in an “undertow.” Undertows, while usually benign, were always alarmingly surprising. It was a way for the bigger ocean to show you its overall influence over you.

Society as a whole is a lot like that ocean you swam in as a child. It has a way of pulling us in directions that when we look up we see that as humanity we are at a different place in our history than when we “entered the water” years before. Such is the dynamic of how we as Americans approach the holiday season. Instead of the process of family and altruistic endeavors mixed with the compromise of self sacrifice it seems to be total sacrifice of self with the results being loss of passion, service and in some tragic cases even life.

Men all over the country would like to observe only, if they are lucky enough to have wives, children and girlfriends that will let them. Although, shopping is an ancient concept; the terror of “Black Friday” on the other hand is fairly recent. Sort of a place that that “undertow” has carried us to without us realizing it fast enough. So as men let’s celebrate our logical study and loathing of this phenomenon, most women loathe it to, by comparing a regular shopping day any other day of the year.

REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR- (SCHEDULE)Mostly 10:05 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Includes a break for an hour then again from 3:30-9:00 p.m. This is the “soccer mom” schedule, they pick up their children at 3:00 from school so they leave at 2:30 pick them up and hold them hostage by promising ice cream- head back to mall. Senior adults come in at 10:00 a.m. on the dot since they are already engaging in cardio walks outside stores and leave at 10:05. (They say: “ this is ridiculous-I spent a lifetime doing this and there are no good toilets-besides I do not want to get trampled by soccer moms.”) This dynamic created the concept of birthday cards with money folders inside that hold $20 bills, since they really don’t want to shop for snotty grandchildren anyway.
BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (SCHEDULE)10% 12:00 A.M. - 12:05 (Those that are trampled to death @Walmart) 40% 12:00 A.M.- 4:00 A.M. Those that are shot by accidentally taking someone else’s parking space the shooter thought that they were entitled to) 30% 12:00 A.M.- 12:07) aka- Lunch (Those that are injured while waiting in line at checkout or run over by a husband driven to drink by wife who made him come with her!) 20% 12:00 A.M. to 11:00 P.M. (Those lucky enough to have managed to stay alive but are now criminally insane or atheistic because they now hate Christmas)
REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(WEAPONS)Ice cream cone (used to bait children into going), condom (found in teenage son’s wallet and used to potentially blackmail him for not complying to go, girlfriend’s parents will be notified it needed)
BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (WEAPONS)Guns, umbrella tip (for use if you don’t have a gun) car (used if the person you wanted to shoot got lost in a crowd but was rediscovered in parking lot) plastic food bag and knives forks (used to suffocate and or stab people in line in front of you at food court. 2,000 pounds of humanity (used to crush security guards or anyone in front of the door at the store you need to get into before them)
REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(SOUNDS/LANGUAGE)*Layaway*Credit*Discount*Buy one get one free*Buy one get one half off*Rebate*“This will only take a minute”
BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (SOUNDS/LANGUAGE)“YOU !@%$#” “ GO TO H#$L”Sign response with middle finger of hand“NO, NO HELP ME!!!!!!!!”“Probate”“You have the right to remain silent!”“I’m converting to Judaism or ATHEISM!”
REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(AFTERMATH/NEXT DAY)Thank you honey, let me pay you back!” “No, no it was on sale and I knew it’d look great on you!”“Thanks mom!”
“You’re free to go you bail has just been posted!”
“Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to pay respect to an individual well loved by their community. They will be sorely missed yet they are looking down on us with joy!”